international panic will start on a small scale then escalate exponentially

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UN inspectors have been asked to investigate allegations that Iran has been secretly developing weapons grade butterflies in an attempt to use chaos theory to launch hurricanes around the world.

‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said physicist Professor Michio Kaku. ‘The butterfly effect suggests that a single butterfly flapping its wings in one country could trigger a hurricane on the other side of the planet. Just imagine the devastation that could be caused by thousands of them all flapping together in the same direction.’

Suspicions were raised after US spy planes captured images of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard frantically running round the countryside with massive nets. Experts now believe Iran may have already collected enough enriched lepidoptera to construct a fully functioning butterfly house capable of launching a hurricane within forty-five minutes.

‘These butterflies represent a clear and present danger,’ said President Obama. ‘And if every nation starts doing the same we could be faced with the lethal combination of butterfly effect and domino theory, resulting in an endless sequence of hurricanes toppling into each other – something that could cause the Earth to spin off its axis.’

As the situation escalates, there are also rumours that North Korea is working on an even more sinister night-time project in an attempt to exploit the so-called ‘moth effect’. Scientists believe moths have much greater chaotic potential which could be triggered by somebody simply switching on a light.

Intelligence analysts also believe Al Qaeda may be trying to create a ‘dirty butterfly bomb’ using a mixture of cabbage whites, some pupae and a few very hungry caterpillars. Dirty butterfly bombs are particularly chaotic because once they go off there’s no telling where in the world the hurricane might occur.

‘These developments are very serious,’ said British Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘We have been blaming our recent spate of bad weather on global warming, but if it turns out Iran has been secretly controlling our weather systems using weaponised butterflies, then I shall be very angry indeed.’

However, Iran has strenuously denied the allegations. ‘Yes, we have butterflies,’ said Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, ‘but they are purely for domestic use, and in no way contravene the Papilionidae Non-Proliferation Treaty. There is absolutely no need for anyone to get into a flap.’

 

 

 

 

hydro velocipede

‘These new Boris Cannons are a tremendous wheeze,’ said the London Mayor. ‘I have already spent the day riding around on one, hosing down hoi polloi and washing away beggars from shop doorways. It’s tremendous fun.’

Under the new scheme, anyone in London will now be able to hire a Barclays sponsored water cannon, for as little as £2 per-hour, enabling them to cycle around the capital firing a high velocity water jet at anyone they dislike. ‘At first I just wanted the police to have them,’ explained Mr. Johnson, ‘but then I thought, why should they have all the fun? I say, let everyone have a go with these new hydro-velocipedes. I mean, what can possibly go wrong?’

The scheme already has the approval of London cyclists who believe that being equipped with an on-board water cannon will help them navigate busy traffic. However, some cyclists have expressed concerns about the 8,000-litre water trailer they will also need to carry behind them.

Mr. Johnson addressed anxieties about the poor safety record of water cannons, which have been known to cause serious injury and blindness. ‘Yes, there are some safety issues,’ he admitted, ‘but pedestrians should be fine so long as they always take the precaution of carrying a cagoule, a pair of safety goggles and a specially reinforced brolly.’

The London Mayor hopes the water-cannons-for-hire scheme will encourage members of the public to chip in and do their bit maintaining law and order. ‘All I ask is that if you happen to see a potential rioter, maybe one of those student, lefty, unemployed types, then point your nozzle at them and give them a jolly good soaking.  A lot of these chaps look like they could do with a wash anyway’.

Tory peer Lord Tebbit added his support.  ‘This is a splendid idea,’ he said. ‘At long last people will be able to get on their bikes and look for the work-shy.’

sponsored by BarclaysMr. Johnson rejected claims that the scheme was yet another one of his ridiculous self-promoting publicity stunts. ‘That is utter tish, tosh and tommyrot,’ he said, before launching himself out of a water cannon, flying high across the Thames, and back into Parliament.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Iain-Duncan-Smith-funny

‘The current system of cock-ups is complicated and confusing,’ said the Work and Pensions Secretary. ‘Even I have trouble keeping track of them all. That’s why I have decided to create a new system to unify all my cock-ups into one monumental cock-up – something that everyone can understand’.

The Universal Cock-Up will cost an estimated £2bn to implement and is due to be rolled out next year. However, given that it is being organised by Mr Duncan Smith, experts say it is more likely to cost £200bn and never happen at all.

The new system will create an extensive database of all Iain Duncan Smith’s failures: departmental mismanagement, making up statistics, cruel treatment of benefit claimants with disabilities, illegally forcing people to work in Poundland, a jobs website that hosts fake jobs, and once writing a really terrible novel.

‘I have every confidence that the Universal Cock-Up will be delivered on time and on budget,’ said Mr Duncan Smith. ‘I have already commissioned the very latest state-of-the-art IT system to run it: a Sinclair ZX 81. Nothing can possibly go wrong, although admittedly we are having some teething troubles getting the cassette player to load the software.’

Mr Duncan Smith has also arranged for himself to be constantly monitored by Atos, who will conduct a continuous assessment of his inability to do the job properly and ensure that he is always doing everything he possibly can to do everything possibly wrong.

The Universal Cock-Up is already being heralded as one of the government’s flagship policies. If the scheme is a success, it may be extended to all government departments, although Michael Gove has insisted on keeping his pet project of taxpayer funded ‘free cock-ups’.

Mr Duncan Smith rejected claims that the whole thing was yet another failure waiting to happen for which he would refuse to accept responsibility. ‘I am sick and tired of this constant culture of blame,’ he told reporters, ‘and it’s all YOUR fault.’

 

 

 

350-escher

Emergency services have been called to Tate Modern after a number of visitors were unable to escape from a retrospective of the artist MC Escher.

‘I have been up and down these stairs for three days now,’ complained one man, ‘but I always seem to end up where I began.’

Another visitor is believed to be lost within an infinite loop of hyperbolic tessellations, while a family of three is currently being held hostage by a pair of self-drawing hands.

‘Escher can be a dangerous artist to look at,’ said Tate Director Nicholas Serota, ‘and it is all too easy for people to become caught up within his seemingly impossible constructions. I fear that the weight of paradox has caused the exhibition to reach a state of critical mass and collapse in on itself trapping the visitors within.’

An initial rescue attempt was abandoned after emergency services broke in through a side window only to find themselves looking in on themselves breaking out. A later attempt was also confounded when a helicopter rescue team lowered a ladder onto the roof but were hampered when the ladder led nowhere, endlessly looping back round on itself.

‘This is all very confusing,’ said head of Rescue Services Commander Henry Polkinghorne. ‘We do have a map of the exhibition, but it doesn’t help much since whichever way you hold it, it always seems to be upside down or back to front.’

The situation is further complicated because the visitors are believed to be trapped within one of three independent gravity wells, each of which is orthogonal to the other two. ‘None of this makes any sense’, said Commander Polkinghorne, ‘and it’s hurting my head.’

As the crisis continues, the trapped visitors are being counselled by an emergency neuroscientist who is standing outside the exhibition with a loud hailer explaining how they are all the victims of a complex cognitive illusion.

Sewell‘Personally, I find the endless inter-dimensional paradoxes of Escher to be both contrived and derivative,’ said art critic Brian Sewell, as he waited to be rescued from within a reflecting glass sphere that he was somehow still holding.

ethical sat nav

MPs are preparing for the arrival of a new piece of wearable technology that will help them navigate difficult terrain and always guide them towards the high moral ground.

The EPS, or Ethical Positioning System, operates by triangulating a person’s political standpoint via a number of morally aware ‘smart satellites’. If a politician starts to veer off course, perhaps about to break a manifesto pledge, the Sat Nav will interrupt with the message: ‘You are no longer on the agreed route, please perform a U-turn now.’

The new system replaces the old and unreliable moral compass. ‘In theory the moral compass should have worked,’ explained philosopher AC Grayling, ‘but many politicians found it confusing and were clearly unable to tell which way it was pointing. All too often they either they left it at home or held it upside down and headed off in entirely the wrong direction.’

The Ethical Sat Nav has the advantage of always being in view, attaching to every politician’s forehead via a special rubber suction pad. To convey extra moral authority the unit has a range of respected voices including those of Morgan Freeman, Dame Judi Dench and Sir David Attenborough.

To accommodate different viewpoints, MPs can choose from a selection of moralities: Kantian, Utilitarian and Neo-Aristotelian. However, some politicians have already found ways to jailbreak their Sat Nav so that it shifts into the more dubious Machiavellian mode, although on this setting they do have to put up with the voice of Peter Mandelson.

‘As an election approaches, MPs often get taken off course,’ said BBC political editor Nick Robinson. ‘This new moral guidance system should help to keep them on track, re-calculating their route each time they take a wrong turn and avoiding any politically costly toll roads. It also warns them if they are speeding, avoiding responsibility or lying. If they do all three it flashes up an emergency picture of Chris Huhne.’

The Ethical Sat Nav will be issued to every politician next month, although a faulty trial batch have already been recalled. ‘I had just attached it to my head when it stopped working,’ said one bemused MP. ‘I have no idea why. I was simply trying to claim for it on expenses when the unit gave an exasperated sigh and blew up in my face.’

3D serial killer

The world’s first gun-toting maniac created using 3D printer technology has been publicly unveiled and will be released into the community next week.

The synthetic psycho is the brainchild of American law student Billy Bob Eagleburger of Austin, Texas. It will undergo a test-run next Tuesday afternoon when it will be armed to teeth with an arsenal of 3D printer generated weaponry and let loose in a local shopping mall.

‘Once it was possible to print a 3D plastic gun it was the next logical step to print a 3D plastic serial killer,’ explained Eagleburger, who now plans to publish his blueprint on the internet. ‘I don’t see anything wrong with it,’ he said. ‘We live in a free society and it’s the constitutional right of every American to download and print their very own self-assembly sociopath.’

‘I recognise that in the wrong hands a gun-wielding killer might be used to harm other people,’ he admitted, ‘but the important thing to remember is that 3D printed guns don’t kill people. 3D printed psychopaths with 3D printed guns kill people….No, hang on. I haven’t thought this through properly. But just because it doesn’t make sense isn’t a good reason not to put it out there.’

Liberals are already calling for tighter regulations on 3D printer ownership, with proposals being drafted to restrict the use of automatic and semi-automatic printers, plus a seven day waiting period for anyone thinking of buying a replacement cartridge.

However, Wayne LaPierre of America’s newly formed NPA (National Printer Association) defended the freedom to print psychopaths. ‘The Second Amendment clearly gives every American the right to defend himself by pressing Ctrl P’, he said. ‘America would be a safer place if every man, woman and child had a plasticated gun-wielding maniac by their side.’

But, just as LaPierre was defending the right to print arms, the National Guard was already being called to Washington DC where a rogue 3D printer had gone one stage further and begun printing endless versions of itself.

‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said a visibly shocked President Obama. ‘Once the 3D printers start printing copies of themselves, there will be no stopping them.’

mountain-benefits

‘The benefits system should be about incentivising people,’ said the Work and Pensions Secretary, ‘and by placing benefits on the tops of mountains we are encouraging the unemployed to get off their backsides and make a bit more of an effort.’

Under the new system all benefit payments will be hidden somewhere on the top of a high peak. ‘It could be on Mount Snowdon; it could be Scafell Pike,’ explained Mr Duncan Smith. ‘That’s the fun of the system. And just to keep people on their toes, sometimes there won’t be any benefit at all.’

The Work and Pensions Secretary assured that people with disabilities would get extra help. ‘We have already fitted ramps to a number of mountains to give wheelchair access. Meanwhile those nice people from Atos will be on hand to observe claimants struggling up and down the hill tops and will be making on-the-spot assessments. If any of them look capable of reaching their benefits they will automatically be declared fit for work and become ineligible.’

Meanwhile, people suffering from clinical depression will be allowed to forgo the mountain altogether and collect their benefits from the depths of an abyss.

‘We have already spent over £2 billion on this project,’ explained Mr Duncan Smith. ‘That might seem like a lot of money but some areas of Britain are so deprived they don’t have a mountain to climb up. Whole swathes of Norfolk for example. That’s why we’re forcing the unemployed to build artificial mountains for the unemployed. So don’t say we never do anything for them.’

According to statistics released by the Department for Work and Pensions, 123% of people forced to climb up a mountain to look for benefits quickly found work. ‘I know these statistics are true,’ said Mr Duncan Smith, ‘I made them up myself.’

Asked why he seemed to be so hell-bent on dismantling the welfare state, the Work and Pensions Secretary smiled enigmatically and said, ‘because it’s there.’

 

 

JFK

The world is in shock after a 50th anniversary re-enactment of the killing of President Kennedy ended in chaos with a gun battle breaking out across Dealey Plaza in which a number of people were shot.

‘We’re not sure exactly how this happened,’ said Chesney Benson, head of the JFK Assassination Society, ‘but we suspect foul play. One of our men, dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald, was in position at the Texas School Book Depository and was just about to shoot a man dressed as President Kennedy, when a number of other shots were simultaneously fired.’

The resultant salvo of magic bullets ended in the shooting of the man dressed as Kennedy, a man dressed as Governor Connally and a man in the crowd dressed as a spectator.

‘This was clearly the work of more than one historical re-enactment society,’ said a man dressed as Kevin Costner dressed as Jim Garrison. ‘All the evidence suggests that there was a second re-enactment taking place near the grassy knoll and that the first re-enactment society was just a patsy.’

A man dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald strongly rejected claims that he was a patsy, before being immediately shot and killed by a passing Jack Ruby tribute act.

Meanwhile, more conspiracy theories have since developed following the emergence of video footage taken by a man dressed as Abraham Zapruder. The footage clearly suggests the existence of multiple re-enactment societies hidden all around Dealey Plaza, dressed as the Soviet Union, Cuba, the Mafia, the FBI and the CIA.

To resolve the confusion President Obama has called for a historical re-enactment of the Warren Commission. However, the investigation is unlikely to produce any results until 2021, when it is expected to clear everyone of any involvement and say nothing actually happened.

‘This is a tragic day for historical re-enactment societies,’ said a man dressed as Walter Cronkite, desperately trying to hold back the tears. ‘We needed this like we needed a hole in the head.’

The prospect of fifty more years of conspiracy theories has raised concerns that they might provoke another three hour movie by Oliver Stone. ‘Nobody wants to sit through a seemingly endless litany of wild and crazy conspiracies,’ said President Obama. ‘We already get that each night with Fox News.’

 

 

 

Moral Guardian

In a move that has surprised media experts, the Daily Mail and the Guardian are to join forces to create the Moral Guardian, a new paper that combines both moral outrage AND hummus recipes.

In their first edition they have an exclusive scoop about how Romanian immigrants are coming over here and bringing with them delicious new cuisine, how Brussels bureaucrats are forcing everyone to do mindfulness yoga, plus leaked photos from the NSA revealing that Edward Snowden may be suffering from cellulite.

The Mail’s ‘sidebar of shame’ will stay, although it will mainly consist of social workers in bikinis complaining about negative body stereotyping. Meanwhile, the Guardian’s dating site, Guardian Soulmates, will be updated to include a new influx of Mail readers looking for love but with an underlying sense of bitterness and fear.

The paper will be jointly edited by Alan Rusbridger and Paul Dacre who will combine their liberal and conservative values into every story. Editorial disagreements will be resolved by them wrestling naked in front of a circle of cheering journalists until one of them submits.

‘The Moral Guardian shows that press self-regulation can work,’ said Dacre. ‘Every time I produce a malicious hatchet job about someone’s dead dad, Alan comes along and makes it nice, fluffy and socially aware.’

Mail and Guardian columnists will also unite into one holistic whole. In future, Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee will co-edit all their pieces to produce rabid, hateful polemics about the need for greater social justice, while Quentin Letts’ smug, smart-arsed sniping will be counter-balanced by a po-faced George Monbiot warning of imminent ecological disaster. Also, in a decision to be welcomed by all, Mail columnist Jan Moir will be sent to South America to do a feature on peasant farming in Bolivia, and then completely forgotten about.

The first edition of The Moral Guardian will be published tomorrow and will include a free ‘Illegal Immigrant Wallchart: ‘How to identify them, where they might be hiding and why they might have some interesting cultural lessons to teach us.’

 

 

 

cosmic-ordering-service                           In a shock announcement, the largest wish-list provider in the cosmos has been declared bankrupt, leaving many millions of customers unlikely to ever receive their orders.

‘This is the largest retail collapse in the entire history of the Universe,’ said BBC Business Editor Robert Peston, ‘and nobody saw it coming.’

The Cosmic Ordering Service operated a radical new business model in which customers placed orders by writing them down on a piece of paper and then waiting for them to be delivered. However, despite having such a solid business strategy, in recent months the system was beginning to break down with many customers complaining of last minute cancellations, late deliveries and wrong orders.

‘The whole thing is an absolute shambles,’ said one user, Mrs Maureen Grebe. ‘I ordered world peace and harmony and three weeks later they delivered global conflict and discord. And don’t get me started on their customer service line. I have no idea where in the cosmos they’re putting me through to; I’m not even sure any of them speak English.’

Noel Edmonds, a keen promoter of cosmic ordering, was visibly distraught. ‘I simply cannot understand what has gone wrong,’ he said. ‘The system was based on the soundest scientific principles of magic and mysterious things. It just doesn’t make any sense.’

It has also transpired that the Cosmos PLC faces investigation after claims that it has been avoiding billions in Corporation Tax by processing all its orders in another space, time and dimension. ‘What the Cosmic Ordering Service has done is quite unacceptable,’ said a furious Margaret Hodge, chair of the House of Commons Public Accounts Committee. ‘We have demanded that they appear before us to explain themselves. I wrote down the request myself on a piece of paper, although I have yet to receive a reply.’

In the meantime, customers are being advised that if their dreams are not realised in the next few weeks, then they might consider switching suppliers and making their orders from a parallel universe.

Despite numerous requests the cosmos was unavailable for comment.

 

 

 

 

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