‘These new Boris Cannons are a tremendous wheeze,’ said the London Mayor. ‘I have already spent the day riding around on one, hosing down hoi polloi and washing away beggars from shop doorways. It’s tremendous fun.’
Under the new scheme, anyone in London will now be able to hire a Barclays sponsored water cannon, for as little as £2 per-hour, enabling them to cycle around the capital firing a high velocity water jet at anyone they dislike. ‘At first I just wanted the police to have them,’ explained Mr. Johnson, ‘but then I thought, why should they have all the fun? I say, let everyone have a go with these new hydro-velocipedes. I mean, what can possibly go wrong?’
The scheme already has the approval of London cyclists who believe that being equipped with an on-board water cannon will help them navigate busy traffic. However, some cyclists have expressed concerns about the 8,000-litre water trailer they will also need to carry behind them.
Mr. Johnson addressed anxieties about the poor safety record of water cannons, which have been known to cause serious injury and blindness. ‘Yes, there are some safety issues,’ he admitted, ‘but pedestrians should be fine so long as they always take the precaution of carrying a cagoule, a pair of safety goggles and a specially reinforced brolly.’
The London Mayor hopes the water-cannons-for-hire scheme will encourage members of the public to chip in and do their bit maintaining law and order. ‘All I ask is that if you happen to see a potential rioter, maybe one of those student, lefty, unemployed types, then point your nozzle at them and give them a jolly good soaking. A lot of these chaps look like they could do with a wash anyway’.
Tory peer Lord Tebbit added his support. ‘This is a splendid idea,’ he said. ‘At long last people will be able to get on their bikes and look for the work-shy.’
Mr. Johnson rejected claims that the scheme was yet another one of his ridiculous self-promoting publicity stunts. ‘That is utter tish, tosh and tommyrot,’ he said, before launching himself out of a water cannon, flying high across the Thames, and back into Parliament.