international panic will start on a small scale then escalate exponentially

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UN inspectors have been asked to investigate allegations that Iran has been secretly developing weapons grade butterflies in an attempt to use chaos theory to launch hurricanes around the world.

‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said physicist Professor Michio Kaku. ‘The butterfly effect suggests that a single butterfly flapping its wings in one country could trigger a hurricane on the other side of the planet. Just imagine the devastation that could be caused by thousands of them all flapping together in the same direction.’

Suspicions were raised after US spy planes captured images of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard frantically running round the countryside with massive nets. Experts now believe Iran may have already collected enough enriched lepidoptera to construct a fully functioning butterfly house capable of launching a hurricane within forty-five minutes.

‘These butterflies represent a clear and present danger,’ said President Obama. ‘And if every nation starts doing the same we could be faced with the lethal combination of butterfly effect and domino theory, resulting in an endless sequence of hurricanes toppling into each other – something that could cause the Earth to spin off its axis.’

As the situation escalates, there are also rumours that North Korea is working on an even more sinister night-time project in an attempt to exploit the so-called ‘moth effect’. Scientists believe moths have much greater chaotic potential which could be triggered by somebody simply switching on a light.

Intelligence analysts also believe Al Qaeda may be trying to create a ‘dirty butterfly bomb’ using a mixture of cabbage whites, some pupae and a few very hungry caterpillars. Dirty butterfly bombs are particularly chaotic because once they go off there’s no telling where in the world the hurricane might occur.

‘These developments are very serious,’ said British Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘We have been blaming our recent spate of bad weather on global warming, but if it turns out Iran has been secretly controlling our weather systems using weaponised butterflies, then I shall be very angry indeed.’

However, Iran has strenuously denied the allegations. ‘Yes, we have butterflies,’ said Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, ‘but they are purely for domestic use, and in no way contravene the Papilionidae Non-Proliferation Treaty. There is absolutely no need for anyone to get into a flap.’

 

 

 

 

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The American government has confirmed that they intend to clone a new version of Osama bin Laden who will be made to stand trial, be found guilty and then executed all over again.

‘Many people were delighted when they heard that we had shot bin Laden,’ said President Obama, ‘but, at the same time, a lot of people also wanted to see him face trial for his crimes. Cloning bin Laden gives everyone what they want.’

The project, headed by geneticist Dr Craig Venter, will take DNA extracted from the body of bin Laden and use it to create what is being hailed as the world’s first test-tube terrorist. ‘Genes account for about 50% of human behaviour,’ explained Venter, ‘so, at the very least, this clone can be convicted for half his crimes.’

Legal restrictions on human cloning have been set aside on the grounds that the bin Laden DNA is technically classed as an ‘enemy combatant’ and therefore not subject to American law. As a precaution, to avoid any legal challenges, the cloning will take place at a secret laboratory at Guantanamo Bay.

Fertility expert Lord Winston raised a note of caution: ‘While they may be able to create an Osama bin look-a-like, the Americans will also need to provide an unstable geo-political environment for him to grow and develop.’ However, Pentagon sources say they already have that one covered.

‘Making bin Laden stand trial will help the American people achieve closure,’ said their most respected psychiatrist Dr Phil McGraw. ‘Gaddafi just isn’t the same, and no-one even knows how to pronounce “al-Zawahiri”. The only solution is to bring back Osama, put him on trial and kill him on prime-time tv.’

However, the conviction of a cloned bin Laden is by no means guaranteed. ‘The trial of OBL Mark II could be OJ Simpson all over again,’ said legal expert Professor Alan Dershowitz, ‘and defence counsel can always argue that their client was not only set up by the American government, he was deliberately bred and nurtured by them from the start. They quite literally made him what he is.’

Claims that the plan was just a cynical election stunt designed to boost President Obama’s ratings were rejected by Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney: ‘Cloning bin Laden is about truth, justice and the American way,’ he said. ‘We are treating this trial with the utmost seriousness, which is why it will be televised around the world and be presided over by Judge Judy.’

Major delays at airports could be a thing of the past with the introduction of a new self-scan check-in for terrorists.

Under the system all prospective terrorists will be expected to walk into a full body scanner that will identify their cause, their mission and, most importantly, what kind of explosives they are carrying. At this stage the machine will give a little beep, issue them with a boarding pass and direct them to the self-detonation area.

‘This system will really help to speed things up,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May, ‘Admittedly, it does rely on the terrorists being honest and scanning themselves properly but I am told that most of them are pretty devout.’

However, airport staff say the machines are far from perfect. ‘The scanners do not always recognise every terrorist or their cause,’ said check-in assistant Kimberly Smalls, ‘I can’t tell you how many times we are getting called over for an ‘Unexpected Item in the Bombing Area.’

‘Only last week I tried to scan one man eight times before eventually giving up and typing him in manually. And then I had to ask him how to spell ‘martyr’. It was all very embarrassing.’

Airports including Luton and Stansted are also experimenting with other schemes to speed up security including a ’10- Suspicious-Items-Or-Less’ check-in and a  ‘Help-With-Your-Bomb-Packing’ Service.’

‘A lot of these young men have absolutely no idea how to pack,’ said check-in assistant Edna Sparks, ‘Many of them just shove some explosives down their pants without even thinking about the consequences. That’s why I am here to help. If they must insist on blowing themselves up then they should do it properly and without any unsightly creasing.’

Despite the teething troubles most terrorists welcome the system. ‘Self-scan is an absolute godsend’, said one, ‘the last thing we want to do is cause unnecessary delays to holidaymakers. Now everyone can get to their destination quicker, even if only a few of us will end up in Paradise.’