‘These new Boris Cannons are a tremendous wheeze,’ said the London Mayor. ‘I have already spent the day riding around on one, hosing down hoi polloi and washing away beggars from shop doorways. It’s tremendous fun.’
Under the new scheme, anyone in London will now be able to hire a Barclays sponsored water cannon, for as little as £2 per-hour, enabling them to cycle around the capital firing a high velocity water jet at anyone they dislike. ‘At first I just wanted the police to have them,’ explained Mr. Johnson, ‘but then I thought, why should they have all the fun? I say, let everyone have a go with these new hydro-velocipedes. I mean, what can possibly go wrong?’
The scheme already has the approval of London cyclists who believe that being equipped with an on-board water cannon will help them navigate busy traffic. However, some cyclists have expressed concerns about the 8,000-litre water trailer they will also need to carry behind them.
Mr. Johnson addressed anxieties about the poor safety record of water cannons, which have been known to cause serious injury and blindness. ‘Yes, there are some safety issues,’ he admitted, ‘but pedestrians should be fine so long as they always take the precaution of carrying a cagoule, a pair of safety goggles and a specially reinforced brolly.’
The London Mayor hopes the water-cannons-for-hire scheme will encourage members of the public to chip in and do their bit maintaining law and order. ‘All I ask is that if you happen to see a potential rioter, maybe one of those student, lefty, unemployed types, then point your nozzle at them and give them a jolly good soaking. A lot of these chaps look like they could do with a wash anyway’.
Tory peer Lord Tebbit added his support. ‘This is a splendid idea,’ he said. ‘At long last people will be able to get on their bikes and look for the work-shy.’
Mr. Johnson rejected claims that the scheme was yet another one of his ridiculous self-promoting publicity stunts. ‘That is utter tish, tosh and tommyrot,’ he said, before launching himself out of a water cannon, flying high across the Thames, and back into Parliament.
A massive rise in unemployed Daleks is causing major problems at jobcentres up and down the country, swamping offices and threatening to exterminate staff who fail to find them a job.
The problem has been caused after thousands of Daleks were laid off by the BBC, their traditional employer, who have decided to ‘give them a rest’.
‘We don’t want to end up on the scrap heap,’ said Dalek Caan, ‘although as scrap we probably do have considerable value.’
‘It’s an absolute nightmare,’ complained one employment adviser. ‘They wheel around the centre, crashing through walls as they go, and then they insist on applying for jobs that they cannot possibly do. One of them wanted to be a home carer and another tried for a job in a kindergarten. To be honest, the Daleks are not very strong on people skills, but you try telling them that.’
Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith insisted the government was doing everything it could to get the Daleks back to work. ‘The great thing about these guys is that they really want to find jobs,’ he said, ‘ok, so they might be threatening to annihilate the entire human race if they don’t find a job, but at least that shows some initiative.’
Meanwhile, former Employment Secretary Lord Tebbit gave unemployed Daleks some advice: ‘My father was a Dalek in the 1930s,’ he said. ‘He didn’t riot. He got on his castors and looked for work.’
However, local jobseekers are less than impressed with the Dalek invasion. ‘They come over here from the planet Skaro, claiming our benefits and taking our jobs,’ grumbled one man, ‘and I bet they go straight to the top of the council house waiting list. They should go back to where they came from.’
Jobcentre staff say that they are working hard to find work for the Daleks. ‘Some of them have already found jobs as plumbers,’ said employment advisor Mrs Maureen Grebe, ‘apparently they have these built-in sink plungers that are absolutely ideal. A few of the older ones also have an egg whisk facility so we got them jobs in catering.’
‘Of course the main problem is that the Daleks have had every emotion removed except that of pure hatred,’ explained Mr Duncan Smith, ‘but thankfully there are still plenty of vacancies out there for traffic wardens.’