international panic will start on a small scale then escalate exponentially

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UN inspectors have been asked to investigate allegations that Iran has been secretly developing weapons grade butterflies in an attempt to use chaos theory to launch hurricanes around the world.

‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said physicist Professor Michio Kaku. ‘The butterfly effect suggests that a single butterfly flapping its wings in one country could trigger a hurricane on the other side of the planet. Just imagine the devastation that could be caused by thousands of them all flapping together in the same direction.’

Suspicions were raised after US spy planes captured images of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard frantically running round the countryside with massive nets. Experts now believe Iran may have already collected enough enriched lepidoptera to construct a fully functioning butterfly house capable of launching a hurricane within forty-five minutes.

‘These butterflies represent a clear and present danger,’ said President Obama. ‘And if every nation starts doing the same we could be faced with the lethal combination of butterfly effect and domino theory, resulting in an endless sequence of hurricanes toppling into each other – something that could cause the Earth to spin off its axis.’

As the situation escalates, there are also rumours that North Korea is working on an even more sinister night-time project in an attempt to exploit the so-called ‘moth effect’. Scientists believe moths have much greater chaotic potential which could be triggered by somebody simply switching on a light.

Intelligence analysts also believe Al Qaeda may be trying to create a ‘dirty butterfly bomb’ using a mixture of cabbage whites, some pupae and a few very hungry caterpillars. Dirty butterfly bombs are particularly chaotic because once they go off there’s no telling where in the world the hurricane might occur.

‘These developments are very serious,’ said British Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘We have been blaming our recent spate of bad weather on global warming, but if it turns out Iran has been secretly controlling our weather systems using weaponised butterflies, then I shall be very angry indeed.’

However, Iran has strenuously denied the allegations. ‘Yes, we have butterflies,’ said Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, ‘but they are purely for domestic use, and in no way contravene the Papilionidae Non-Proliferation Treaty. There is absolutely no need for anyone to get into a flap.’

 

 

 

 

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JFK

The world is in shock after a 50th anniversary re-enactment of the killing of President Kennedy ended in chaos with a gun battle breaking out across Dealey Plaza in which a number of people were shot.

‘We’re not sure exactly how this happened,’ said Chesney Benson, head of the JFK Assassination Society, ‘but we suspect foul play. One of our men, dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald, was in position at the Texas School Book Depository and was just about to shoot a man dressed as President Kennedy, when a number of other shots were simultaneously fired.’

The resultant salvo of magic bullets ended in the shooting of the man dressed as Kennedy, a man dressed as Governor Connally and a man in the crowd dressed as a spectator.

‘This was clearly the work of more than one historical re-enactment society,’ said a man dressed as Kevin Costner dressed as Jim Garrison. ‘All the evidence suggests that there was a second re-enactment taking place near the grassy knoll and that the first re-enactment society was just a patsy.’

A man dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald strongly rejected claims that he was a patsy, before being immediately shot and killed by a passing Jack Ruby tribute act.

Meanwhile, more conspiracy theories have since developed following the emergence of video footage taken by a man dressed as Abraham Zapruder. The footage clearly suggests the existence of multiple re-enactment societies hidden all around Dealey Plaza, dressed as the Soviet Union, Cuba, the Mafia, the FBI and the CIA.

To resolve the confusion President Obama has called for a historical re-enactment of the Warren Commission. However, the investigation is unlikely to produce any results until 2021, when it is expected to clear everyone of any involvement and say nothing actually happened.

‘This is a tragic day for historical re-enactment societies,’ said a man dressed as Walter Cronkite, desperately trying to hold back the tears. ‘We needed this like we needed a hole in the head.’

The prospect of fifty more years of conspiracy theories has raised concerns that they might provoke another three hour movie by Oliver Stone. ‘Nobody wants to sit through a seemingly endless litany of wild and crazy conspiracies,’ said President Obama. ‘We already get that each night with Fox News.’

 

 

 

The prospect of a Third World War came a step closer this week when an attempt by an Isle of Wight historical society to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis escalated out of control.

‘We pride ourselves on being as authentic as possible,’ explained Professor Chesney Benson, president of the re-enactment society The Sealed Nuts, ‘but some of our members probably took things a bit too far by shipping over some intercontinental ballistic missiles from Russia.’

The situation rapidly escalated when a passing American spy plane noticed the missiles en route to the island, sparking a Code Red alert and leading to a game of international brinksmanship between the USA, Russia and the Isle of Wight County Council.

During a 13-day standoff President Obama ordered American forces to blockade Ventnor, Vladimir Putin countered with threats of a nuclear strike against Shanklin Chine, and the Isle of Wight Mayor locked himself in his garden shed and refused to come out.

The crisis further intensified following the intervention of local planning officer Mr Trevor Spatchcock. ‘We may be on the precipice of imminent nuclear catastrophe,’ he said, ‘but it is my duty to point out that the installation of missiles of this size, even as a temporary structure, is in clear contravention of our planning guidelines.’

A full-scale nuclear war was only averted following a last minute deal in which the re-enactment society agreed to remove the missiles. In return they would get a genuine bright red telephone from the 1960s giving them direct access to Washington and Moscow, something that may help to avoid any such crises occurring in the future.

‘We would like to apologise for any inconvenience caused by propelling the world towards imminent nuclear Armageddon,’ Professor Benson said in a statement. ‘Please rest assured that the missiles have now been removed from the island, safely dismantled and sold on to a nice chap from Iran who promised to get rid of them for us.’

‘This has all been a terrible misunderstanding,’ he went on. ‘It was the very last thing we wanted, especially after the embarrassment of last year’s Bay of Pigs re-enactment.’

The American government has confirmed that they intend to clone a new version of Osama bin Laden who will be made to stand trial, be found guilty and then executed all over again.

‘Many people were delighted when they heard that we had shot bin Laden,’ said President Obama, ‘but, at the same time, a lot of people also wanted to see him face trial for his crimes. Cloning bin Laden gives everyone what they want.’

The project, headed by geneticist Dr Craig Venter, will take DNA extracted from the body of bin Laden and use it to create what is being hailed as the world’s first test-tube terrorist. ‘Genes account for about 50% of human behaviour,’ explained Venter, ‘so, at the very least, this clone can be convicted for half his crimes.’

Legal restrictions on human cloning have been set aside on the grounds that the bin Laden DNA is technically classed as an ‘enemy combatant’ and therefore not subject to American law. As a precaution, to avoid any legal challenges, the cloning will take place at a secret laboratory at Guantanamo Bay.

Fertility expert Lord Winston raised a note of caution: ‘While they may be able to create an Osama bin look-a-like, the Americans will also need to provide an unstable geo-political environment for him to grow and develop.’ However, Pentagon sources say they already have that one covered.

‘Making bin Laden stand trial will help the American people achieve closure,’ said their most respected psychiatrist Dr Phil McGraw. ‘Gaddafi just isn’t the same, and no-one even knows how to pronounce “al-Zawahiri”. The only solution is to bring back Osama, put him on trial and kill him on prime-time tv.’

However, the conviction of a cloned bin Laden is by no means guaranteed. ‘The trial of OBL Mark II could be OJ Simpson all over again,’ said legal expert Professor Alan Dershowitz, ‘and defence counsel can always argue that their client was not only set up by the American government, he was deliberately bred and nurtured by them from the start. They quite literally made him what he is.’

Claims that the plan was just a cynical election stunt designed to boost President Obama’s ratings were rejected by Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney: ‘Cloning bin Laden is about truth, justice and the American way,’ he said. ‘We are treating this trial with the utmost seriousness, which is why it will be televised around the world and be presided over by Judge Judy.’

The much-heralded Sarah Palin One Nation Bus Tour has been given an added level of excitement after it was revealed that there is a bomb on board that will detonate if she takes her foot off the pedal.

It is unclear who planted the bomb although it may have been the work of a crazed Dennis Hopper fan, or a desperate attempt by Keanu Reeves to find work.

The former vice-presidential candidate was first alerted to the danger when Fox News presenter Glenn Beck pulled up alongside the bus waving and screaming like a madman. ‘At first we thought it was just Glenn being Glenn,’ said Palin, ‘but it turns out he was trying to warn us.’

Beck has so far done everything he can to help save Palin by clambering on and off her bus while wildly flapping his arms about. However, this was to no avail as a visibly panicked Palin performed a number of extreme manoeuvres, veering wildly to the right and totally out of control.

Meanwhile, an attempt by Donald Trump to get under the bus and defuse the bomb had to be abandoned after he cut the wrong wire and his hair flew off.

Despite the setback Palin has vowed to carry on with the tour. ‘The bomb will inevitably change the campaign,’ admitted a Palin aide, ‘but so far everyone seems delighted that she is speeding through their town without stopping. If anything it might help.’

The tour will travel the East coast of America, allowing Palin to visit a number of ‘patriotic’ sites, although for the sake of security she will only be allowed to do so at very high speed, shouting out of the window as she goes by.

The bus will then accelerate along an unfinished highway before attempting to jump a massive credibility gap. Palin is then expected to finish the tour driving around in circles, hotly pursued by a convoy of reporters in a high-speed media merry-go-round.

President Obama has already dispatched a SWAT team to help rescue Palin. ‘Although we have our political differences I cannot stand by and allow Mrs Palin to be blown up,’ he said, ‘her running for President is my best hope of winning.’

“Everybody wants the moon on a stick,” said the President, “but this project is over budget, behind schedule and just plain crazy.” The multi-billion dollar scheme to connect a long slender piece of wood to the lunar sphere has finally hit the buffers after NASA exceeded their $9 billion budget trying to find the right size stick.

Breaking the news to his colleagues, NASA Administrator Charles Bolden said, “The cancellation of this scheme is a major disappointment. Ever since humans first looked up at the moon they have dreamed of holding it on a stick. Sadly, we may have to wait a little longer for that dream to come true.”

NASA technicians say that they have struggled to find one single stick long enough to reach the moon. “Ideally we need a stick that is more than 238,000 miles long,” said NASA’s head of logistics, Chuck Nurgleburger, “So far we have been forced to spend most of our time gluing together lots of smaller sticks. Of course, even if we can get a stick up there we still have to find a way of wrapping the sellotape round the moon in order to keep it in place.”

The cancellation of the project comes as a severe blow to 8-year-old Billy Bob Jenkins who had been specially selected to be the first holder of the Lunar Lolly. “It’s so unfair,” he whined, “I want the moon on a stick. Obama sucks.”

Alabama Senator Richard Shelby joined in the criticism. “President Obama promised the people of America the moon. Now he is abandoning this noble project in order to pay for madcap schemes such as healthcare insurance. As an American patriot I demand my inalienable right to life, liberty and the moon on a stick.”

“On the bright side, the cancellation of this mission has freed up resources for NASA to pursue other projects,” said Charles Bolden, “We can now really focus our efforts into putting spiders on Mars, creating a space station for otters and building a tunnel to Neptune.”