international panic will start on a small scale then escalate exponentially

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UN inspectors have been asked to investigate allegations that Iran has been secretly developing weapons grade butterflies in an attempt to use chaos theory to launch hurricanes around the world.

‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said physicist Professor Michio Kaku. ‘The butterfly effect suggests that a single butterfly flapping its wings in one country could trigger a hurricane on the other side of the planet. Just imagine the devastation that could be caused by thousands of them all flapping together in the same direction.’

Suspicions were raised after US spy planes captured images of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard frantically running round the countryside with massive nets. Experts now believe Iran may have already collected enough enriched lepidoptera to construct a fully functioning butterfly house capable of launching a hurricane within forty-five minutes.

‘These butterflies represent a clear and present danger,’ said President Obama. ‘And if every nation starts doing the same we could be faced with the lethal combination of butterfly effect and domino theory, resulting in an endless sequence of hurricanes toppling into each other – something that could cause the Earth to spin off its axis.’

As the situation escalates, there are also rumours that North Korea is working on an even more sinister night-time project in an attempt to exploit the so-called ‘moth effect’. Scientists believe moths have much greater chaotic potential which could be triggered by somebody simply switching on a light.

Intelligence analysts also believe Al Qaeda may be trying to create a ‘dirty butterfly bomb’ using a mixture of cabbage whites, some pupae and a few very hungry caterpillars. Dirty butterfly bombs are particularly chaotic because once they go off there’s no telling where in the world the hurricane might occur.

‘These developments are very serious,’ said British Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘We have been blaming our recent spate of bad weather on global warming, but if it turns out Iran has been secretly controlling our weather systems using weaponised butterflies, then I shall be very angry indeed.’

However, Iran has strenuously denied the allegations. ‘Yes, we have butterflies,’ said Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, ‘but they are purely for domestic use, and in no way contravene the Papilionidae Non-Proliferation Treaty. There is absolutely no need for anyone to get into a flap.’

 

 

 

 

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Swiss police were yesterday involved in a high speed pursuit after the Large Hadron Collider was hotwired and stolen by teenagers. The gang are believed to have jemmied their way in via a breach in the space-time continuum that may have been left open by a cleaner.

Police were unable to keep up with the youths as they drove the high speed particle accelerator around the Franco-Swiss border in a 27km circle of chaos. Eyewitnesses described their shock as the Collider whizzed past them at almost the speed of light before pulling handbrake turns and firing off protons in all directions.

‘I think I saw one of them wave,’ said a confused bystander, ‘although it may have also been a particle.’ An elderly woman was later treated for shock after seeing one boy pull down his pants and moon out of the window shouting: ‘Look! I’ve created a black hole!’

The Collider was eventually found abandoned in a side street covered in a mixture of quark-gluon plasma and Irn Bru.

Experts believe that during the escapade the boys may have inadvertently created the elusive Higgs boson particle when they crashed into a lamppost. However, by the time the police arrived the particle had escaped down a nearby alley.

Head of the Swiss Anti-Gravity Squad, Chief Inspector Lars Toblerone said, ‘These kids were driving around without tax, insurance or any basic understanding of quantum mechanics. Quite literally, anything could have happened.’

Two boys were later arrested and charged with breaking the laws of physics, time travelling without a permit and spray-painting an image of a cock and balls over the fabric of space-time.