international panic will start on a small scale then escalate exponentially












UN inspectors have been asked to investigate allegations that Iran has been secretly developing weapons grade butterflies in an attempt to use chaos theory to launch hurricanes around the world.

‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said physicist Professor Michio Kaku. ‘The butterfly effect suggests that a single butterfly flapping its wings in one country could trigger a hurricane on the other side of the planet. Just imagine the devastation that could be caused by thousands of them all flapping together in the same direction.’

Suspicions were raised after US spy planes captured images of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard frantically running round the countryside with massive nets. Experts now believe Iran may have already collected enough enriched lepidoptera to construct a fully functioning butterfly house capable of launching a hurricane within forty-five minutes.

‘These butterflies represent a clear and present danger,’ said President Obama. ‘And if every nation starts doing the same we could be faced with the lethal combination of butterfly effect and domino theory, resulting in an endless sequence of hurricanes toppling into each other – something that could cause the Earth to spin off its axis.’

As the situation escalates, there are also rumours that North Korea is working on an even more sinister night-time project in an attempt to exploit the so-called ‘moth effect’. Scientists believe moths have much greater chaotic potential which could be triggered by somebody simply switching on a light.

Intelligence analysts also believe Al Qaeda may be trying to create a ‘dirty butterfly bomb’ using a mixture of cabbage whites, some pupae and a few very hungry caterpillars. Dirty butterfly bombs are particularly chaotic because once they go off there’s no telling where in the world the hurricane might occur.

‘These developments are very serious,’ said British Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘We have been blaming our recent spate of bad weather on global warming, but if it turns out Iran has been secretly controlling our weather systems using weaponised butterflies, then I shall be very angry indeed.’

However, Iran has strenuously denied the allegations. ‘Yes, we have butterflies,’ said Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, ‘but they are purely for domestic use, and in no way contravene the Papilionidae Non-Proliferation Treaty. There is absolutely no need for anyone to get into a flap.’





As part of his campaign to abolish bad and unnecessary legislation, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced plans to abolish the second law of thermodynamics – the law that states the universal principle of entropy.

‘The British people are sick and tired of things continually breaking down,’ said Mr Clegg, ‘this law stands in the way of progress and it has to go.’

The announcement follows extensive consultation in which the public were invited to nominate the laws that they would most like to see abolished. ‘There was a clear consensus that the universal principle of decay had become a real nuisance,’ said Mr Clegg, before going on to promise what he described as ‘the biggest shake-up to the fundamental laws of physics since the Big Bang.’

Constitutional lawyers are now working alongside physicists to draft a replacement law of thermodynamics to plug the gap between laws one and three.

‘It won’t be easy creating an entirely new law of physics completely from scratch,’ explained government advisor Professor Brian Cox, ‘we tried it back in 1997 when I was a member of D:Ream and we drafted legislation stating that ‘things can only get better’. However, because of the second law of thermodynamics, things inevitably collapsed into a state of war, corruption and economic meltdown.’

The decision to reverse the irreversibility of nature was warmly welcomed by the Prime Minister: ‘The second law dates back to the beginning of time itself,’ said Mr Cameron ‘and is therefore an anachronism. The repeal of this fundamentally regressive legislation will go a long way to help mend Broken Britain.’

Speaking at a press conference the Deputy Prime Minister promised to repeal any other bothersome laws of physics. ‘Many people have expressed concerns that the law of gravity is placing an intolerable constraint on their civil liberties to float about from place to place,’ he said, ‘and nobody should have to live under the constant threat of being hit on the head with an apple.’

The newly revised laws of physics will come into effect next Tuesday, announced Mr Clegg, before he gently drifted out of the window and off into the distance.

Scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider have expressed concern after new audio recognition software revealed that the elusive Higgs boson ‘God Particle’ sounds just like squeaky voiced funny man Joe Pasquale.

‘We have spent years developing a sonification system to convert sub atomic collisions into audible sound waves,’ said project leader Dr Lily Asquith, ‘but when we turned it on, all we could hear was a high pitched voice singing: ‘I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.’

Some scientists have described listening to the sound of the God Particle as akin to that of a religious experience with one saying, ‘every time I hear it I feel like I am being crucified.’

According to physicist Professor Brian Cox, ‘It is precisely because the Higgs particle is so elusive that it can only be heard at a nauseatingly high pitch. We were hoping to discover the secrets of the Universe but so far all we have found is an annoying song and an endless stream of very bad puns.’

The £6 billion Large Hadron Collider is designed to shed light on the most fundamental questions, although it is still no nearer to explaining how or why Joe Pasquale ever achieved any kind of success.

‘The team cannot last out for much longer,’ confessed Dr Asquith, ‘we have all been forced to wear earplugs but if it doesn’t stop singing that bloody song soon we may have to close down the entire project.’

Physicists are now working around the clock, firing millions of protons at the squeaky particle in the hope of making it shut up. ‘Quite honestly, I wish that we had never found it,’ said Professor Cox, ‘people said that we might create a black hole that would destroy the Universe, but nobody warned us about this.’

The world’s first artificially created black hole will officially be opened next week in the Surrey town of Haslemere by physicist Professor Stephen Hawking. ‘I predict that this hole will become a major attraction,’ said Professor Hawking, ‘people will come from miles around to see it, whether they want to or not.’

The hole, which has been created using Haslemere’s world famous Small Hadron Collider, has been a controversial issue for many local residents. ‘It all sounds very fancy but I don’t want to live next door to a black hole,’ said pensioner, Mrs Mavis Treeb, ‘it will destroy all the light.’

Meanwhile others are concerned about the cost. ‘The council have poured millions into this black hole,’ complained local man, Arthur Mullins, ‘but as far as I can see we get absolutely nothing out of it.’

The Haslemere hole is the brainchild of physicist, Professor Brian Cox. ‘Ever since I was a small child I have dreamed of having my very own black hole,’ said Cox, ‘my parents would only let me have a hamster but it just wasn’t the same.’

Professor Cox rejected claims that opening a black hole in a busy commuter town would be a recipe for disaster. ‘We have deliberately made this black hole small and manageable,’ he said, ‘a number of our team have already been inside to have look around and it is perfectly safe, although admittedly they were all crushed to a point of infinite density.’

The Department for Transport has recently given the go ahead for a high-speed link between the Haslemere hole and a supermassive black hole being built in Switzerland by CERN. However, while people who enter the hole via CERN’S Large Hadron Collider will travel at almost the speed of light, the moment they enter Britain, they will slow down to a mere 40 miles per hour.

The Haslemere black hole will be opened next Tuesday, to be followed by wine, canapés and the collapse of spacetime.

‘We apologise for any inconvenience,’ said God, ‘but at the end of next year the Universe will be closed to carry out essential maintenance work.’

The decision follows reports that there are serious design flaws in the cosmos that are preventing it from achieving its full potential. It also appears that health and safety guidelines may have been breached because the fabric of space-time is not flame retardant. ‘The Universe is perfectly safe,’ insisted God, ‘but people must remember that it is a prototype and, at this early stage, there will be some teething problems.’

‘We have known for some time that there is not enough matter in the Universe to keep it going,’ explained physicist, Professor Brian Cox, ‘the official line is that there is a realm of invisible ‘dark matter’ but secretly we all suspect that God simply cocked up with the numbers.’

‘The entire project is riddled with black holes,’ added Professor Stephen Hawking, ‘I wouldn’t be at all surpised if the whole thing collapsed in on itself any day now.’

The closure is just the latest in a long line of problems to dog the Universe ever since it began operating 13.7 billion years ago. The original Big Bang was postponed for 12 months because of ‘technical issues’ over how to create something out of nothing; millions of galaxies were later recalled after being found to be ‘unfit for purpose’; and plans for the expansion of the Universe continue to suffer major delays due to ‘the wrong kind of gravity’.

Meanwhile, a ‘vanity project’ by God to develop civilised life on Earth is already 4.5 billion years overdue and horrendously over budget.

‘Quite honestly, if I had known it was all going to be so much trouble I probably wouldn’t have bothered’ said God, ‘but hindsight is a wonderful thing, even if you are omniscient.’

Engineering work will begin next January during which time a replacement bus service will be running to your nearest parallel universe.

Swiss police were yesterday involved in a high speed pursuit after the Large Hadron Collider was hotwired and stolen by teenagers. The gang are believed to have jemmied their way in via a breach in the space-time continuum that may have been left open by a cleaner.

Police were unable to keep up with the youths as they drove the high speed particle accelerator around the Franco-Swiss border in a 27km circle of chaos. Eyewitnesses described their shock as the Collider whizzed past them at almost the speed of light before pulling handbrake turns and firing off protons in all directions.

‘I think I saw one of them wave,’ said a confused bystander, ‘although it may have also been a particle.’ An elderly woman was later treated for shock after seeing one boy pull down his pants and moon out of the window shouting: ‘Look! I’ve created a black hole!’

The Collider was eventually found abandoned in a side street covered in a mixture of quark-gluon plasma and Irn Bru.

Experts believe that during the escapade the boys may have inadvertently created the elusive Higgs boson particle when they crashed into a lamppost. However, by the time the police arrived the particle had escaped down a nearby alley.

Head of the Swiss Anti-Gravity Squad, Chief Inspector Lars Toblerone said, ‘These kids were driving around without tax, insurance or any basic understanding of quantum mechanics. Quite literally, anything could have happened.’

Two boys were later arrested and charged with breaking the laws of physics, time travelling without a permit and spray-painting an image of a cock and balls over the fabric of space-time.