MPs are preparing for the arrival of a new piece of wearable technology that will help them navigate difficult terrain and always guide them towards the high moral ground.
The EPS, or Ethical Positioning System, operates by triangulating a person’s political standpoint via a number of morally aware ‘smart satellites’. If a politician starts to veer off course, perhaps about to break a manifesto pledge, the Sat Nav will interrupt with the message: ‘You are no longer on the agreed route, please perform a U-turn now.’
The new system replaces the old and unreliable moral compass. ‘In theory the moral compass should have worked,’ explained philosopher AC Grayling, ‘but many politicians found it confusing and were clearly unable to tell which way it was pointing. All too often they either they left it at home or held it upside down and headed off in entirely the wrong direction.’
The Ethical Sat Nav has the advantage of always being in view, attaching to every politician’s forehead via a special rubber suction pad. To convey extra moral authority the unit has a range of respected voices including those of Morgan Freeman, Dame Judi Dench and Sir David Attenborough.
To accommodate different viewpoints, MPs can choose from a selection of moralities: Kantian, Utilitarian and Neo-Aristotelian. However, some politicians have already found ways to jailbreak their Sat Nav so that it shifts into the more dubious Machiavellian mode, although on this setting they do have to put up with the voice of Peter Mandelson.
‘As an election approaches, MPs often get taken off course,’ said BBC political editor Nick Robinson. ‘This new moral guidance system should help to keep them on track, re-calculating their route each time they take a wrong turn and avoiding any politically costly toll roads. It also warns them if they are speeding, avoiding responsibility or lying. If they do all three it flashes up an emergency picture of Chris Huhne.’
The Ethical Sat Nav will be issued to every politician next month, although a faulty trial batch have already been recalled. ‘I had just attached it to my head when it stopped working,’ said one bemused MP. ‘I have no idea why. I was simply trying to claim for it on expenses when the unit gave an exasperated sigh and blew up in my face.’
August 24, 2010
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg says that he is ‘absolutely delighted’ to be the wet nurse for David and Samantha Cameron’s new child.
‘I have spent the last few months undergoing hormone replacement therapy in preparation for this very moment,’ said Mr Clegg, who has already developed what he describes as ‘a fulsome pair of lactating man boobs.’
The ‘wet-nursing clause’ is understood to have been a deal breaker in the coalition agreement with Mr Cameron refusing a referendum on voting reform until Mr Clegg promised to offer up his breast in return.
‘It’s so jolly nice of Cleggie to be helping out like this,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘Samantha and I lead such busy lives so it is good to know that Nick is there at home, dressed as a nurse and suckling our young.’
However, there have been some objections to the prospect of Mr Clegg breastfeeding during meetings of Cabinet. ‘I am not sure that any of us want to see Nick’s Knockers thrust in our face,’ said Communities Secretary Eric Pickles, ‘that sort of thing could put me right off my dinner.’
Other members of the Lib Dem team will also help to provide round-the-clock baby care. Business Secretary Vince Cable will read bedtime stories while Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander will dress up as a jester and merrily prance about the room in an attempt to keep the baby amused – reprising a role that he currently performs for George Osborne.
‘What Nick and his team are doing is the very essence of what I mean by The Big Society,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘they run around doing all the work while Samantha and I sit in the garden drinking Pimm’s.’
Mr Clegg is expected to breast feed for the next six months, although he may continue for longer after a number of Tory backbenchers expressed a keen interest in his services.
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is to be given a tiny steering wheel, just like Maggie from The Simpsons, while David Cameron is answering Prime Minister’s Questions.
Mr Clegg is understood to be absolutely delighted with his new wheel, which he can use to turn left and turn right in accordance with prevailing government policy. ‘It gives me a real sense of power,’ said an excited Mr Clegg ‘and it even has a little horn which I can honk, but only if Dave says it is safe to do so.’
‘The wheel was a crucial part of the coalition agreement,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘and it is great to think that while I am up at the dispatch box dealing with important matters of state, Nick can sit behind me with his steering wheel and still feel part of the action.’The original inspiration for the wheel came from the popular TV show, The Simpsons. ‘As soon as Nick saw that baby Maggie had a steering wheel, he wanted one too,’ said a Downing Street source, ‘we even managed to find him a nice yellow one to match his tie.’
‘The steering wheel is a clear sign that Nick is influencing government policy,’ said Liberal Democrat Simon Hughes, ‘when I look across at the government benches and see the wheel come out, I know that we are really making a difference.’
Other Liberal Democrat cabinet members have also been issued with their own tiny toys. Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander has a Fisher Price shop till while Business Secretary Vince Cable regularly sits in a Wendy House rocking backwards and forwards with his head in his hands.
Nick Clegg will unveil his new steering wheel at the next Prime Minister’s Questions. ‘This government is all about giving power back to the people,’ said Mr Clegg, ‘I want everyone in Britain to feel the same sense of power as I do when I honk my little horn.’
May 13, 2010
The first meeting of David Cameron’s coalition cabinet has ended in chaos and division with angry arguments about the fairest distribution of tea and biscuits.
‘The existing system of ‘First-Pass-the-HobNobs’ is patently unfair,’ said Lib-Dem leader, Nick Clegg, ‘by the time the biscuits get round to us Eric Pickles has taken all the Chocolate Bourbons. All we are left with are Dr Liam Fox’s Butter Crinkles and nobody wants them.’
‘The Liberal Democrats would like to see a fairer system in which biscuits are allocated according to the number of teas that each of us has,’ said Business Secretary, Vince Cable, ‘I drank three cups of tea but got no biscuits. George Osborne had one cup but snaffled four Custard Creams and a Jammie Dodger, which I clearly saw him hiding under the table.’
The arguments intensified when Home Secretary, Theresa May, raised objections to the Lib-Dem policy of ‘dunking’. ‘We are a modern, progressive party,’ said Mrs May, ‘but I have to draw the line at people who dunk. It is immoral, unnatural and it leaves a horrid gunky mess at the bottom of the cup. That is something I find very difficult to swallow.’
Tensions reached breaking point when William Hague stormed out of the room following a perceived insult from Energy Secretary, Chris Huhne. ‘I think he must have misheard me,’ said Mr Huhne, ‘all I said was that I really hate Garibaldis.’
As the coalition began to crumble, David Cameron made a last ditch attempt to salvage the situation by promising a referendum on AB, or Alternative Biscuits. Under the system every member of cabinet would list their three favourite biscuits in strict order of preference before receiving a variety box containing biscuits nobody really wanted.
‘If the cabinet cannot agree over biscuits then it could trigger a ‘Ginger Snap Election’,’ said constitutional expert, Professor Peter Hennessy, ‘the only remaining option is for David Cameron to ask The Queen to call for the Duchy Originals – something that sounds good in principle but the country simply cannot afford.’
May 12, 2010
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is ‘honoured’ by his new appointment as personal fag to David Cameron.
Under the arrangement, Mr Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members of Cabinet.
‘Of course Clegg is not a full boarder,’ said Cameron, ‘he’s a day boy. But rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.’
‘This is a unique opportunity,’ said Clegg, ‘For some people, running around and opening doors for your fagmaster might seem demeaning. But for me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.’
David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie. ‘This is all part of the rough and tumble of government,’ said Cameron, ‘I am sure that the new boys will soon get used to this horseplay and find their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.’
Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. ‘This isn’t exactly what I had signed up for,’ said Mr Cable, ‘and it may take a little while getting used to my new ministerial title as ‘Scullion’.’
When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied, ‘I have made his bed, and I will lie in it.’