‘These new Boris Cannons are a tremendous wheeze,’ said the London Mayor. ‘I have already spent the day riding around on one, hosing down hoi polloi and washing away beggars from shop doorways. It’s tremendous fun.’
Under the new scheme, anyone in London will now be able to hire a Barclays sponsored water cannon, for as little as £2 per-hour, enabling them to cycle around the capital firing a high velocity water jet at anyone they dislike. ‘At first I just wanted the police to have them,’ explained Mr. Johnson, ‘but then I thought, why should they have all the fun? I say, let everyone have a go with these new hydro-velocipedes. I mean, what can possibly go wrong?’
The scheme already has the approval of London cyclists who believe that being equipped with an on-board water cannon will help them navigate busy traffic. However, some cyclists have expressed concerns about the 8,000-litre water trailer they will also need to carry behind them.
Mr. Johnson addressed anxieties about the poor safety record of water cannons, which have been known to cause serious injury and blindness. ‘Yes, there are some safety issues,’ he admitted, ‘but pedestrians should be fine so long as they always take the precaution of carrying a cagoule, a pair of safety goggles and a specially reinforced brolly.’
The London Mayor hopes the water-cannons-for-hire scheme will encourage members of the public to chip in and do their bit maintaining law and order. ‘All I ask is that if you happen to see a potential rioter, maybe one of those student, lefty, unemployed types, then point your nozzle at them and give them a jolly good soaking. A lot of these chaps look like they could do with a wash anyway’.
Tory peer Lord Tebbit added his support. ‘This is a splendid idea,’ he said. ‘At long last people will be able to get on their bikes and look for the work-shy.’
Mr. Johnson rejected claims that the scheme was yet another one of his ridiculous self-promoting publicity stunts. ‘That is utter tish, tosh and tommyrot,’ he said, before launching himself out of a water cannon, flying high across the Thames, and back into Parliament.
September 4, 2013
Plans to contain the entire Westminster village within a vast geodesic sphere are almost complete. The multi-million pound Odium Project aims to collect every variety of politician, lobbyist and political journalist and keep them in a safe, temperature controlled environment.
‘We hope that by containing all the different types of political species we might be able to learn something new about how they operate,’ said Project Director Dr Marcus Pennington. ‘It will also keep them from interacting with the real world, which, as we know, can be disastrous.’
Within the bubble there will be two enclosures, or biomes. The topical biome will allow politicians to run around briefing, counter-briefing and making ill-informed comments about a hot topic in the news. Meanwhile, a second dome will give them something to claim expenses on.
The Odium Project is set to become a popular visitor attraction where the public can come and watch politicians operating in their natural environment. ‘We encourage visitors to look at these strange creatures, but not to touch them or try to give them food,’ explained Dr Pennington. ‘They might appear cute but they easily get excited and things can quickly escalate into a full-scale feeding frenzy.’
Dr Pennington also revealed plans to cross-fertilise certain species of politician to create entirely new varieties. ‘We currently have a very weak strain of Miliband that we are hoping to cross with a hardy perennial, the Dennis Skinner, to create a much more outspoken Leader of the Opposition with an endless supply of abusive comments.’
A more controversial scheme is the plan to create a new Tory hybrid, the Boris-Tebbit. The end result will be a politician that gets on its bike and looks for photo opportunities.
Meanwhile a conservation program will help save endangered species such as The Lesser Spotted Clegg, a rare two-faced chimera currently on the verge of extinction. However, so far, this proposal has seen a notable lack of funding.
The Westminster Bubble will be secured and vacuum sealed next month when all the air will be pumped out leaving the inhabitants to exist purely on the oxygen of publicity.
August 4, 2010
London Mayor, Boris Johnson, has unveiled his latest solution to the capital’s transport problems – the bendy bike, a 60ft-long, articulated bicycle that bends in the middle.
‘The bendy bike is just what Londoners need,’ said Mr Johnson. ‘It can carry up to fifty people and, with its accordion style flexi-frame, it can go round corners much more easily than any regular 60ft bike.’
The super-size velocipede can be hired at docking stations positioned around the capital and has the advantage of rapid simultaneous boarding. ‘People can simply hop on and hop off whenever they like,’ said the Mayor. ‘When you want it to stop just ring the bell or honk the horn.’
However, critics have already raised questions about the safety of the bendy bike. ‘It looks like a good idea,’ said former Mayor Ken Livingstone, ‘but whenever it goes round a corner the whole thing tips over and everyone falls off.’
‘Yes, there have been some teething problems,’ admitted Mr Johnson, ‘but I have spoken to the designers and so long as everybody does their fair share of pedalling it should stay upright. It’s just a question of balance.’
In a further blow to the scheme, since the bike was launched, British Transport Police have been called to numerous incidents of so-called ‘bendy rage’.
‘We attended one hold-up at the junction of Oxford Street and Tottenham Court Road,’ said Officer Colin Pringle. ‘All the cyclists on the Tottenham Court Road side wanted to go one way while the ones still on Oxford Street wanted to go in the other direction and had begun furiously pedalling backwards. In the end the only way to get the traffic moving again was to taser the lot of them.’
Despite the setbacks, Prime Minister David Cameron has given his support. ‘This bike is what the Big Society is all about,’ he said. ‘Everyone pedalling together with little or no idea where they are going.’
However London cabbie Ted Grubbs is less than impressed. ‘These bikes are a nightmare,’ he complained. ‘They fill up the bus lanes, fly through red lights, and, if you get caught behind one, all you can see are fifty big fat arses all wobbling from side to side. Nobody wants that shoved in their face.’
Mr Johnson rejected his critics. ‘Pish, Tish and Piddle,’ he declared. ‘The bendy bikes are a jolly good wheeze. And a damn sight safer than the double-decker versions they replaced.’
February 16, 2010
Speaking at the launch for London 2011, Ovett said: “I have been planning my Olympic Games for some time, but mostly from the middle of the field where no-one could see me. I have just been waiting for the right moment to break.”
“This is so typical,” said an enraged Lord Coe, “I have dedicated my life to making London 2012 a success and, just as we enter the final lap, Steve Ovett appears on my shoulder and overtakes me.”
Performing a lap of honour, a triumphant Ovett crowed: “London 2011 will be the greatest Olympic Games ever. The stadium is built, a fully integrated transport system is in place, we have a decent logo and best of all, Boris Johnson has agreed to stay away.”
Ovett is believed to have been secretly plotting his revenge on Coe for years. At the end of the 2008 Beijing Olympics he was seen running off with the Olympic Torch and cackling like a maniac. Ovett then held the torch to ransom until the International Olympic Committee agreed to give him a Games of his own.
Close friend of Lord Coe, William Hague, said, “Seb is absolutely devastated. I tried consoling him but he just sits there, rocking backwards and forwards and punching an Olympic mascot.”
After the launch, Ovett said: “London 2011 is much more than just a sporting event. These games are about making a real investment, a long-term commitment to destroying the hopes and dreams of Sebastian Coe.”