international panic will start on a small scale then escalate exponentially












UN inspectors have been asked to investigate allegations that Iran has been secretly developing weapons grade butterflies in an attempt to use chaos theory to launch hurricanes around the world.

‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said physicist Professor Michio Kaku. ‘The butterfly effect suggests that a single butterfly flapping its wings in one country could trigger a hurricane on the other side of the planet. Just imagine the devastation that could be caused by thousands of them all flapping together in the same direction.’

Suspicions were raised after US spy planes captured images of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard frantically running round the countryside with massive nets. Experts now believe Iran may have already collected enough enriched lepidoptera to construct a fully functioning butterfly house capable of launching a hurricane within forty-five minutes.

‘These butterflies represent a clear and present danger,’ said President Obama. ‘And if every nation starts doing the same we could be faced with the lethal combination of butterfly effect and domino theory, resulting in an endless sequence of hurricanes toppling into each other – something that could cause the Earth to spin off its axis.’

As the situation escalates, there are also rumours that North Korea is working on an even more sinister night-time project in an attempt to exploit the so-called ‘moth effect’. Scientists believe moths have much greater chaotic potential which could be triggered by somebody simply switching on a light.

Intelligence analysts also believe Al Qaeda may be trying to create a ‘dirty butterfly bomb’ using a mixture of cabbage whites, some pupae and a few very hungry caterpillars. Dirty butterfly bombs are particularly chaotic because once they go off there’s no telling where in the world the hurricane might occur.

‘These developments are very serious,’ said British Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘We have been blaming our recent spate of bad weather on global warming, but if it turns out Iran has been secretly controlling our weather systems using weaponised butterflies, then I shall be very angry indeed.’

However, Iran has strenuously denied the allegations. ‘Yes, we have butterflies,’ said Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, ‘but they are purely for domestic use, and in no way contravene the Papilionidae Non-Proliferation Treaty. There is absolutely no need for anyone to get into a flap.’





In a move set to worsen diplomatic tensions, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has announced plans to plant a giant, fast growing Leylandii bush across the 38th parallel, the line that divides North and South Korea.

‘The Dear Leader has had it up to here with his neighbours,’ said a representative for the North, ‘they are always keeping him awake with their noisy capitalist propaganda, and only last week one of their decadent western Frisbees landed in his garden. He has therefore decided to plant a massive hedge right across the border so that he never has to see them again.’

‘This is so typical of the People’s Republic next door,’ said South Korean leader, President Lee Myung-bak, ‘ever since we opposed their plans to build an extension in 1950 they have had it in for us. They deliberately park their tanks on our lawn, they are constantly stomping up and down with their military parades and their missile testing often goes on until the early hours of the morning.’

As tensions mounted, the South pledged to defend itself against what it sees as an overt act of arboreal aggression. ‘The planting of Leylandii is in direct contravention of the Non-Coniferation Treaty,’ said the South Korean President, ‘if they continue with their plans then we shall have no alternative but to launch short range tactical hedge strimmers.’

In a last ditch attempt to salvage relations, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has called upon the services of professional ‘Neighbourhood Mediator’, Mr Lionel Bream, from London’s Camden Borough Council. ‘I have had a lot of experience mediating between warring neighbours,’ said Mr Bream, ‘I find that a solution is always possible over a nice cup of tea and some Chocolate HobNobs.’

However, hopes of an amicable resolution were fading last night after it was revealed that the South had reported the North for building a nuclear weapons facility without proper planning permission. ‘This makes me so mad,’ said Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il, ‘how many times do I have to tell them? It isn’t a nuclear weapons facility. It’s just a very big gazebo.’