international panic will start on a small scale then escalate exponentially

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UN inspectors have been asked to investigate allegations that Iran has been secretly developing weapons grade butterflies in an attempt to use chaos theory to launch hurricanes around the world.

‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said physicist Professor Michio Kaku. ‘The butterfly effect suggests that a single butterfly flapping its wings in one country could trigger a hurricane on the other side of the planet. Just imagine the devastation that could be caused by thousands of them all flapping together in the same direction.’

Suspicions were raised after US spy planes captured images of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard frantically running round the countryside with massive nets. Experts now believe Iran may have already collected enough enriched lepidoptera to construct a fully functioning butterfly house capable of launching a hurricane within forty-five minutes.

‘These butterflies represent a clear and present danger,’ said President Obama. ‘And if every nation starts doing the same we could be faced with the lethal combination of butterfly effect and domino theory, resulting in an endless sequence of hurricanes toppling into each other – something that could cause the Earth to spin off its axis.’

As the situation escalates, there are also rumours that North Korea is working on an even more sinister night-time project in an attempt to exploit the so-called ‘moth effect’. Scientists believe moths have much greater chaotic potential which could be triggered by somebody simply switching on a light.

Intelligence analysts also believe Al Qaeda may be trying to create a ‘dirty butterfly bomb’ using a mixture of cabbage whites, some pupae and a few very hungry caterpillars. Dirty butterfly bombs are particularly chaotic because once they go off there’s no telling where in the world the hurricane might occur.

‘These developments are very serious,’ said British Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘We have been blaming our recent spate of bad weather on global warming, but if it turns out Iran has been secretly controlling our weather systems using weaponised butterflies, then I shall be very angry indeed.’

However, Iran has strenuously denied the allegations. ‘Yes, we have butterflies,’ said Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, ‘but they are purely for domestic use, and in no way contravene the Papilionidae Non-Proliferation Treaty. There is absolutely no need for anyone to get into a flap.’

 

 

 

 

gchq+                  Britain’s biggest spy agency, GCHQ, said it was addressing the commercial concerns of 21st Century espionage with the introduction of a new paywall. ‘The move heralds a brave new world of electronic surveillance,’ claimed Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘Now, for just £100 million you get complete access to everything we know.’

According to their adverts, the new service offers, ‘the very latest premier league wire taps, clandestine ops and, of course, every text, email and phone call that anyone ever makes. All sent direct to your own phone, tablet or home computer. No need to tell us your details. We already know.’

The decision follows the recent success of GCHQ Atlantic, a subscription only back-channel that provides premium content to America’s National Security Agency. ‘Our relationship with the NSA has been so successful we decided it was only fair to roll out the service to everyone,’ said Mr Hague. ‘There’s already plenty of interest from other potential customers: Russia, China, Iran, News International. They’re all very keen.’

In addition to domestic surveillance, GCHQ+ will also offer British subscribers a chance to experience all the latest hits from America, including the award winning data collection service PRISM. ‘Traditionally the problem with secret surveillance has been making it pay,’ explained intelligence expert George Smiley. ‘A GCHQ paywall could be the answer, although they will face stiff competition from the growing number of free content providers such as Wikileaks and Edward Snowden.’

‘The alternative would have been advertising, but that really doesn’t work,’ said Smiley. ‘You can’t secretly tap someone’s phone and then interrupt their conversation every five minutes with GoCompare adverts. People start to get suspicious.’

GCHQ+ also hopes to widen its appeal with a new celebrity surveillance service, GCHQ Hello! ‘The public don’t just want to hear about all those nasty terrorist threats,’ said Mr Hague. ‘Our new Eavesdropper App will send out all the latest gossip about the rich and famous direct to your phone, although I should say my torrid affair with Angelina Jolie will continue to remain a state secret.’

Mr Hague rejected claims that GCHQ+ represents a major threat to civil liberties. ‘Of course we’re aware of the concerns and we will listen to people’s comments. They won’t necessarily know we’re listening, but we are.’

 

 

 

The BBC World Service is to be replaced by a rolling 24-hour radio show presented by Foreign Secretary William Hague.

‘I have always dreamed of being a DJ,’ said Mr Hague, ‘as a small boy I would regularly spin classic vinyl of the speeches of Winston Churchill. I can’t wait to get down and funky with the global massive.’

The World Service, which is funded through the Foreign Office, recently announced that it was axing 650 jobs and would be cutting five of its language services.

‘I can easily do the jobs of these people,’ insisted Mr Hague, ‘I may not be fluent in 32 different languages but music is a universal language. Listeners will soon forget their need for an impartial news service when I start playing them tunes from my Abba collection.’

The new service will be broadcast live from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office, hosted by Mr Hague alongside regular contributions from visiting foreign dignitaries. ‘We are hoping to go for a zoo format,’ explained Mr Hague, ‘like Steve Wright in the Afternoon but with more emphasis on geopolitics.’

The show will feature regular phone-ins allowing the 180 million listeners worldwide a chance to engage in light-hearted jovial banter with Mr Hague about war, famine and global hegemony. There will also be exciting new competitions in which people can win foreign aid, an arms shipment or military intervention.

‘Every Sunday we will have a run down of the top 40 countries,’ said Mr Hague, ‘will China overtake America for the Number One spot? And where will Britain be this week?’ Mr Hague is also hoping to emulate the prank phone calls of Noel Edmonds in which he rings up world leaders and pretends to be someone of importance.

Speaking from his studio, Mr Hague denied that his show would be a throwback to old style DJs of the past. ‘Of course I am a big fan of Dave Lee Travis,’ he said, ‘Who isn’t? But I can be dangerous and edgy too, like Tony Blackburn. And to keep down with the kids I have even changed my name to Will.i.am.’

‘Hague FM will provide people around the world with an invaluable service,’ said the Foreign Secretary, ‘we have spent billions of pounds invading foreign countries, the least we can do for them now is lay down some funky tunes.’

Labour leader Ed Miliband has revealed that he will take a vow of silence and convey his political message entirely through the performance art of mime, using his body as a political tool.

‘All the polls show that we do much better when Ed stays quiet,’ explained deputy leader Harriet Harman, ‘he will therefore focus on communicating his ideas through corporeal movement and a variety of facial expressions.’

The new strategy will see Mr Miliband appearing at Prime Minister’s Questions with a white painted face and wearing a tight black Lycra bodysuit. He will then proceed to ridicule government policy by silently prancing around the dispatch box and pulling a range of silly faces.

‘This represents a new form of political communication,’ said Harman, ‘but I am confident that Ed can get his message across to David Cameron through the use of hand gestures alone – a method I understand the general public have already been using for some time.’

Mr Miliband has already mastered a number of classic mimes including ‘walking against the wind’, ‘the brick wall’ and ‘up shit creek without a paddle.’ However, he still struggles with more complex mimes such as explaining his position on tuition fees, something that regularly leaves him rolling helplessly around on the floor tied up in knots.

Members of Mr Miliband’s team will also employ performance art to convey their message. Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson will use origami to communicate his understanding of economic theory by taking a blank sheet of paper and then screwing it up. Meanwhile, Shadow Foreign Secretary Yvette Cooper will unnerve William Hague through the use of provocative modern dance.

Speculation has been rife as to why Miliband had been so quiet in the last few months. ‘Everyone thought it was because he was nervous,’ said political commentator Matthew Parris, ‘but it turns out Ed was simply miming his opposition to government.’

Mr Miliband has also been developing a range of special ‘looks’ that he will use to mercilessly undermine the Coalition. ‘He has already perfected the ‘rabbit staring into the headlights,’ said Ms Harman, ‘and he is making good progress with ‘man shaking his head in disappointment at whatever the government just did’. He is now believed to be working on ‘man with bright idea’ and ‘man pulling finger out of arse.’

Mr Miliband launched his new strategy at the London International Mime Festival where he attempted to communicate his grand political vision. ‘He just stood there for while flapping his arms around and staring off into space,’ said one disappointed visitor, ‘it’s certainly nothing to shout about.’

The first meeting of David Cameron’s coalition cabinet has ended in chaos and division with angry arguments about the fairest distribution of tea and biscuits.

‘The existing system of ‘First-Pass-the-HobNobs’ is patently unfair,’ said Lib-Dem leader, Nick Clegg, ‘by the time the biscuits get round to us Eric Pickles has taken all the Chocolate Bourbons. All we are left with are Dr Liam Fox’s Butter Crinkles and nobody wants them.’

‘The Liberal Democrats would like to see a fairer system in which biscuits are allocated according to the number of teas that each of us has,’ said Business Secretary, Vince Cable, ‘I drank three cups of tea but got no biscuits. George Osborne had one cup but snaffled four Custard Creams and a Jammie Dodger, which I clearly saw him hiding under the table.’

The arguments intensified when Home Secretary, Theresa May, raised objections to the Lib-Dem policy of ‘dunking’. ‘We are a modern, progressive party,’ said Mrs May, ‘but I have to draw the line at people who dunk. It is immoral, unnatural and it leaves a horrid gunky mess at the bottom of the cup. That is something I find very difficult to swallow.’

Tensions reached breaking point when William Hague stormed out of the room following a perceived insult from Energy Secretary, Chris Huhne. ‘I think he must have misheard me,’ said Mr Huhne, ‘all I said was that I really hate Garibaldis.’

As the coalition began to crumble, David Cameron made a last ditch attempt to salvage the situation by promising a referendum on AB, or Alternative Biscuits. Under the system every member of cabinet would list their three favourite biscuits in strict order of preference before receiving a variety box containing biscuits nobody really wanted.

‘If the cabinet cannot agree over biscuits then it could trigger a ‘Ginger Snap Election’,’ said constitutional expert, Professor Peter Hennessy, ‘the only remaining option is for David Cameron to ask The Queen to call for the Duchy Originals – something that sounds good in principle but the country simply cannot afford.’

Speaking at the launch for London 2011, Ovett said: “I have been planning my Olympic Games for some time, but mostly from the middle of the field where no-one could see me. I have just been waiting for the right moment to break.”

“This is so typical,” said an enraged Lord Coe, “I have dedicated my life to making London 2012 a success and, just as we enter the final lap, Steve Ovett appears on my shoulder and overtakes me.”

Performing a lap of honour, a triumphant Ovett crowed: “London 2011 will be the greatest Olympic Games ever. The stadium is built, a fully integrated transport system is in place, we have a decent logo and best of all, Boris Johnson has agreed to stay away.”

Ovett is believed to have been secretly plotting his revenge on Coe for years. At the end of the 2008 Beijing Olympics he was seen running off with the Olympic Torch and cackling like a maniac. Ovett then held the torch to ransom until the International Olympic Committee agreed to give him a Games of his own.

Close friend of Lord Coe, William Hague, said, “Seb is absolutely devastated. I tried consoling him but he just sits there, rocking backwards and forwards and punching an Olympic mascot.”

After the launch, Ovett said: “London 2011 is much more than just a sporting event. These games are about making a real investment, a long-term commitment to destroying the hopes and dreams of Sebastian Coe.”