From next year, the traditional Party Election Broadcast will be replaced by a blipvert that operates below the threshold of human conscious perception. ‘The old party political broadcasts suffered from a terrible flaw,’ explained Tory party strategist Lynton Crosby. ‘As soon as anyone realised they were watching one, they immediately switched over.’
Under the new rules, each party will be given a number of prime-time TV slots to access the nation’s subconscious by flashing up a brief image of their leader lasting less than 30 milliseconds. David Cameron might pop up in the middle of Eastenders grinning and waving some money, Ed Miliband could suddenly appear on Coronation Street looking sternly at an electricity bill, while Nick Clegg may turn up on Hollyoaks under a big neon sign flashing the word ‘Sorry’.
UKIP leader Nigel Farage has also been allocated a couple of blipverts that he will use to flash-frame the image of an invading army of 485 million zombie immigrants.
Ed Miliband has welcomed the move. ‘I have been using subliminal tactics for some time,’ he said. ‘In fact I am so below the radar of public consciousness, most people have no idea they have even seen me.’ Nick Clegg also likes the idea of being able to make any future pledges subliminally, so that no-one will know for certain when he inevitably breaks them.
However, concerns have been raised after a pilot study in which viewers exposed to the ads complained of terrible flashbacks. Some people kept seeing David Cameron’s big pink face looming ominously towards them, an image so disturbing it caused a number of victims’ heads to explode.
‘Subliminal ads do carry the risk of post traumatic party political trauma,’ said psychologist Dr Raj Persaud, ‘but the modest risk of spontaneous cranial combustion is more than offset by never having to sit through a normal length broadcast.’
To ensure fair play, the ads will be regulated by the Subliminal Advertising Standards Authority, an organisation about which most people have no awareness. If a blipvert is deemed to have broken electoral guidelines it will be immediately followed by a special ‘cleansing ad’ that will automatically erase the subconscious memory of the first one.
‘Subliminal adverts are the future of political campaigning,’ said Crosby. ‘And very soon everyone will agree with me, even if they have no idea why.’
September 4, 2013
Plans to contain the entire Westminster village within a vast geodesic sphere are almost complete. The multi-million pound Odium Project aims to collect every variety of politician, lobbyist and political journalist and keep them in a safe, temperature controlled environment.
‘We hope that by containing all the different types of political species we might be able to learn something new about how they operate,’ said Project Director Dr Marcus Pennington. ‘It will also keep them from interacting with the real world, which, as we know, can be disastrous.’
Within the bubble there will be two enclosures, or biomes. The topical biome will allow politicians to run around briefing, counter-briefing and making ill-informed comments about a hot topic in the news. Meanwhile, a second dome will give them something to claim expenses on.
The Odium Project is set to become a popular visitor attraction where the public can come and watch politicians operating in their natural environment. ‘We encourage visitors to look at these strange creatures, but not to touch them or try to give them food,’ explained Dr Pennington. ‘They might appear cute but they easily get excited and things can quickly escalate into a full-scale feeding frenzy.’
Dr Pennington also revealed plans to cross-fertilise certain species of politician to create entirely new varieties. ‘We currently have a very weak strain of Miliband that we are hoping to cross with a hardy perennial, the Dennis Skinner, to create a much more outspoken Leader of the Opposition with an endless supply of abusive comments.’
A more controversial scheme is the plan to create a new Tory hybrid, the Boris-Tebbit. The end result will be a politician that gets on its bike and looks for photo opportunities.
Meanwhile a conservation program will help save endangered species such as The Lesser Spotted Clegg, a rare two-faced chimera currently on the verge of extinction. However, so far, this proposal has seen a notable lack of funding.
The Westminster Bubble will be secured and vacuum sealed next month when all the air will be pumped out leaving the inhabitants to exist purely on the oxygen of publicity.
September 2, 2013
From this week anyone found listening to Chris de Burgh or settling down to watch an episode of Midsomer Murders will face a £100 on-the-spot fine. The new penalties are intended to tackle the growing menace of people who choose the middle-of-the-road, often at the expense of others.
‘For too long these dullards have been allowed to cruise along with their bland and unoriginal attitudes,’ said Tastes and Values Tsar Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen. ‘They probably don’t realise it, but by adopting their middle-of-the-road position these people are blocking the way for others to enjoy something a bit more cutting edge.’
According to recent figures, up to 70% of the public enjoys middle-of-the-road books, films and music, often crowding out more innovative and experimental works. ‘There is widespread ignorance of the Cultural Highway Code,’ said Llewellyn-Bowen. ‘Too many are lazily reading Dan Brown when they could be hyper-modernistically struggling to make some sense of the latest Will Self. Anyone dawdling in the middle of the road should move aside and let the avant-garde overtake.’
The new penalties follow a recent multiple pile-up when one member of the public selfishly slowed right down to watch an old repeat of Lewis on ITV3, causing a collision with others who really wanted to watch the BBC4 documentary on Bolivian street dance.
The new rules will be heavily enforced at dinner parties where undercover police will be on the look-out for dangerously anodyne behaviours. These include tailgating the opinions of the person in front, hogging the conversation by only talking about the best traffic routes to Barnstaple, and flagrantly failing to give way to a genuinely interesting point.
The fines will also apply to middle-of-the-road political opinions, with heavy penalties being imposed on anyone who consistently sits on the fence, dithers or equivocates. In a statement Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said, ‘This is a controversial policy and I can see both sides of the argument,’ before being immediately Tasered and taken away in handcuffs.
The Government has stepped up its plans to increase monitoring of people’s activities by unveiling plans to introduce into every home 24-hour surveillance telescreens that will beam out the massive face of David Cameron.
‘We were planning to monitor everyone’s phone calls, texts and emails but this system is so much simpler,’ said the all-seeing widescreen Prime Minister. ‘Telescreens are the best way for me to personally oversee the Big Society and to make sure that everyone is doing their bit.’
Under the scheme all homes will be fitted with a government-approved CCTV, or Cameron Controlled Television, a combined TV and security camera that will allow ‘Big Dave’ to keep a watchful eye on people’s behaviour at all times.
‘Every telescreen will be HD ready so people can enjoy my big fat face in all its glorious detail,’ said Cameron, ‘and very soon we hope to be rolling out the 3D version so that I can loom menacingly into your living room and tell you not to panic.’
Until recently the telescreens had been restricted to the homes of Inner and Outer party members, and were used primarily to keep an eye on Nick Clegg and make sure he was maintaining his Doublethink. This is the first time that the telescreens will be made available to the Proles, and the news has already been warmly welcomed with a celebratory ‘Two Minutes Hate’.
‘Yes, these new telescreens are fantastic,’ said one random member of the public, a Mr Winston Smith. ‘To know that Mr Cameron is watching over us at all times is very comforting. I feel so loved.’
Concerns expressed by civil liberties campaigners that the country was rapidly turning into a ‘Big Brother’ state were dismissed by newly-appointed Minister for Truth Mr O’Brien. ‘These people are adding two and two together and making four,’ he said, ‘when everyone knows that the real answer is five.’
‘People will soon get used to the telescreens,’ he assured citizens. ‘Let’s face it, most of the time they are on Facebook or Twitter telling everyone what they’re up to anyway, so I fail to see what all the fuss is about.’
The Prime Minister rejected claims that the plans were ‘Orwellian’. ‘I really don’t think that this can be said,’ he insisted, ‘especially since the term ‘Orwellian’ has now been reclassified as a thoughtcrime.’
Downing Street has confirmed that David Cameron will now be charging a fee for anyone to ask him a question in the House of Commons.
‘This is all perfectly legal and above board,’ said Francis Maude, Minister for the Cabinet Office and Lightning Conductor General, ‘but it’s only reasonable that Mr Cameron is fairly remunerated for his work at PMQs, especially now that he has to pay for his own dinners.’
The revelations came to light when former party treasurer Peter Cruddas was secretly filmed hanging around outside the House of Commons offering MPs a chance for a ‘quickie’ with the Prime Minister, plus the possibility that ‘Samanfa might watch’.
Under the scheme MPs can choose from a range of packages. The entry level Toady Club offers members a chance to ask sycophantic questions such as, ‘Wouldn’t the Prime Minister agree with me that he is doing a simply marvellous job?’ Meanwhile, The Wannabe Leader’s Group offers the opportunity to ask Mr Cameron questions about his record or personal integrity, with prices starting at only £10,000 each. Questions by Dennis ‘Beast of Bolsover’ Skinner have been set at a modest £250,000.
‘I shouldn’t have to pay good money to hold the Prime Minister to account,’ said Opposition leader Ed Miliband. ‘Given my performance, if anything, he should be paying me.’
However, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said he thought the charges were quite reasonable. ‘If I had known it was this cheap to get access to Mr Cameron I wouldn’t have needed to sell my soul.’
People watching PMQs at home will now also be subject to charges. Under the new Prime Ministerial Paywall, subscribers to the basic package will get access to all of PMQs plus repeats of classic Cameron on Dave Ja Vu.
Meanwhile an adult channel, Cameron Blue, will offer viewers the chance to see the Prime Minister in his Downing Street flat performing a sexy pole dance and talking dirty about tax cuts. This service is expected to be very popular among merchant bankers.
Mr Maude denied that Cash for Prime Ministerial Questions would undermine the democratic process. ‘While people will be paying for the chance to ask Mr Cameron questions he won’t be providing any answers,’ he promised, ‘and there is absolutely no way we would ever allow a question at PMQs to actually influence government policy.’
March 18, 2012
The Prime Minister has vowed to tackle ‘absurd barriers to mixed-party adoption’ as he sets out proposals to fast-track Nick Clegg into the Conservative household.
‘Nick has been with us now for almost two years and it’s high time he became a full family member,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘In an ideal world he should be with his biological party, but it seems unlikely they will ever have him back.’
The new cross-party adoption plan will help speed up the process of adopting Clegg into the Tory family by removing unnecessary ‘red tape’ such as adhering to any tiresome manifesto pledges. Clegg will also undergo a modest surgical procedure to remove any remaining traces of social conscience.
‘Nick has already made great progress integrating into his new Conservative foster home,’ said a Westminster Council social worker. ‘He has quickly learned how to break promises, sacrifice principles and make shameless political u-turns. Although he still has a few minor health complaints, he’s almost one of them.’
But critics of cross-party adoption are not happy with plans to take in Little Orphan Cleggie. ‘While everyone feels sorry for Nick, he really needs to be placed with a party that wants him,’ said backbencher Nadine Dorries. ‘He’s a cuckoo in the nest and should be housed with his own kind.’
Psychologists warn that unless Clegg finds a home soon he could suffer a serious identity crisis. ‘Nick needs to know that people love him,’ said Dr Raj Persaud, ‘and he certainly can’t get that from the opinion polls. But wherever he ends up, he still needs to be reminded about where he came from, especially since he appears to have forgotten most of his liberal heritage.’
‘We realise that Nick is a problem child,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘but the important thing is that he feels loved. Nick should know that there is always a place for him with us here, in the cupboard under the stairs.’
The Prime Minister today surprised political and musical commentators alike by appointing 75-year-old singer Englebert Humperdinck as his new director of strategy at No.10. ‘Englebert is a valued addition to the team,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘He has sold over 150 million albums which is far more than Steve Hilton ever managed, and he is just the man to help me appeal to the ladies.’
‘My first task is help sex up Mr Cameron’s image,’ explained the septuagenarian pop sensation. ‘To appeal to that all-important female demographic, David is growing a nice pair of mutton chop side burns. He is also making good progress on his gyrating hip thrust, which should make all the difference at PMQs.’
‘Englebert will also be helping me to relaunch the Big Society,’ said an already crooning Cameron. ‘This time round we are planning to set up a range of community choirs who will sing the Humperdinck back catalogue while they gleefully sweep the streets and pick up litter.’
Humperdinck is already a firm favourite in government circles. Health Secretary Andrew Lansley is well known for his version of ‘A Man Without Love’, while Business Secretary Vince Cable is regularly to be seen wandering the corridors of Westminster singing ‘Please Release Me, Let Me Go’.
Not to be outdone, Labour leader Ed Miliband has approached Tom Jones for advice. ‘Tom recommended I don a pair of tight leather trousers,’ said Miliband. ‘They chafe a bit and I’m not too sure about the frilly shirt, but I will do whatever it takes to help me connect with the voters.’
The appointment of Humperdinck to such a high profile position has seen a rapid response from other European nations. France has already called in octogenarian Charles Aznavour, Ireland has appointed the double headed think-tank Jedward, and Greece is currently contemplating the tactical deployment of Demis Roussos.
Meanwhile, in other news, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has been confirmed as Britain’s entry for the Eurovision Song Contest, where he will be performing his heartfelt rendition of ‘Puppet on a String’.
December 13, 2011
Scientists believe they may have recorded their first sighting of the elusive sub-political particle, the Clegg boson, otherwise known as The Sod Particle.
The Clegg’s existence has been postulated for some time as a means to resolving strange inconsistencies in the Standard Political Model, while remaining barely detectable itself.
‘The Clegg is very tiny and only capable of weak interactions,’ explained Professor Jim Al-Khalili, ‘However, despite exerting only a very small force, it appears to play a key role in providing the mass for some of the larger political elements.’
Scientists finally made the breakthrough by bombarding a political vacuum in the House of Commons Collider with high energy levels of scorn and derision. This eventually caused the Clegg to appear, albeit only for a nanosecond, before rapidly vanishing back into the ether.
‘This brief sighting could help to explain a lot of things,’ said Professor Al-Khalili. ‘The Clegg represents a stumbling block, but if it does exist then it may provide the key to how we all ended up where we are today.’
Scientists are fascinated by the Clegg particle because it has a strange ‘reverse spin’. This means that whenever it tries to go one way, it always ends up going in completely the opposite direction. The Clegg also bridges the gap between matter and anti-matter, existing in what experts believe is a perpetual state of ‘doesn’t-really-matter’.
Despite the excitement, many scientists remain sceptical about the findings and claim that the Clegg is just an insignificant blip that will probably fade away in time.
Meanwhile, others are hoping that it may be possible to harness the power of the Clegg for good. ‘It may seem like something from science fiction,’ said Al-Khalili, ‘but in the future it might be possible to split the Clegg, releasing political power of such magnitude that it may be able to light up very a small torch.’
June 15, 2011
David Cameron has confirmed that the government’s NHS bill will have its life ended by physician-assisted suicide. ‘We tried everything to save it,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘but the condition is terminal. We have therefore decided that the time has come to put it out of its misery.’
Although killing a parliamentary bill is still illegal under British law, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has been given special dispensation to fly it out to Switzerland where it will be terminated by doctors at the Dignitas Clinic.
‘Personally I would have preferred to put the bill into a hospice,’ said Lansley, ‘but the conditions in the House of Lords leave a lot to be desired. Of course we all hoped that during the 10-week listening exercise the bill might show some signs of remission, but every time I spoke to the doctors they told me there was no hope of recovery.’
The BMA has welcomed the decision. ‘While we do not normally approve of physician-assisted suicide, in this case we are prepared to make an exception,’ said a representative. ‘Sometimes the prognosis is so bad that the best option is a quick, painless death, followed by cheering and a street party.’
Various attempts to save the bill had been unsuccessful leaving it with only weeks to live. ‘We knew things had become serious,’ said a tearful Lansley, ‘because the last time I looked at the bill someone had left a sign by its bed reading “Do Not Resuscitate”.’
However, there is concern that some politicians have been placing undue pressure on the bill to have it killed off, purely for their own personal gain. ‘There was no undue pressure,’ insisted Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. ‘I saw the charts and the figures spoke for themselves – it was going to die, and so were we. All I want is for the bill to be given a peaceful, dignified death – personally that is something I would also like for myself but I guess you can’t have everything.’
The prime minister has denied accusations that the decision represents yet another humiliating U-turn. ‘I prefer not to think of this as a U-Turn,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘As politicians we abide by a code of ethics that says that when things get awkward we change our minds to save our skins. It’s called the Hypocritic Oath.’
David Cameron has rejected claims that the coalition is fixed and that he signed Nick Clegg to his party years before last May’s public vote.
The allegations were made by an anonymous internet blogger who claims that a young and innocent Clegg was secretly auditioned by Tory talent scouts before being signed to their label and cynically groomed for office.
The blogger also claims that Clegg was deliberately ‘gayed up’ by Cameron in an attempt to make him appear more sensitive and caring than he actually is.
‘This is a outrageous smear campaign,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘Until the 2010 election I had never met Nick and, like most people, had absolutely no idea who he was. He entered the coalition of his own accord and at no stage did I groom him for office. Ok, so I might have asked him to wear the Lady Diana wig, but that was an entirely private matter.’
The allegations, posted by a blogger who claims to have worked for the Tories, says that Clegg was targeted by them at a very young age, first at public school and later at university. He was then given a job working for former Conservative minister Leon Brittan before going on to become a so-called ‘sleeper Tory’ as leader of the Lib Dems.
‘He was clearly being groomed from the start,’ claims the blogger, ‘I know for a fact that before the election Clegg was given voice coaching, a shiny new suit and clear instructions to say anything and sign any pledge that might endear him to the public. The whole thing is obviously a put-up-job.’
Police say that they have traced the blogger to an address in Downing Street, leading many to suspect that the whole story was leaked by Cameron himself, in a desperate attempt to generate interest in a flagging format.
‘Coalition’s Got Talent remains a solid brand,’ insisted Cameron. ‘Yes, most of the performers are second-rate and some are clearly nut-jobs but I am only giving the public what they want.’