Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls is regarded as so dangerous that whenever he appears in public he must wear a face mask, straitjacket and be wheeled everywhere on a trolley.

‘It was a risk to promote him,’ admitted Labour Leader Ed Miliband, ‘and safety is our first concern. Especially mine. That’s why he must wear the mask at all times and remain under very close supervision.’

Balls, a clinical economist, is well known for his frightening ability to get into the minds of his opponents and cause them great psychological distress through the use of embarrassing statistics and traumatising lectures on supply-side economics.

‘The man is a monster,’ said Chancellor George Osborne, ‘last time I saw him he made me break down and cry simply by whispering the phrase “neo classical endogenous growth theory”. I won’t go anywhere near him.’

When not being wheeled out to savage the government, Mr Balls will be kept in solitary confinement at the high security wing of the House of Commons; there he will listen to Bach’s Goldberg Variations and dream of the day he will get an office with a view. Mr Balls will be regularly visited by his wife and cabinet colleague, Yvette Cooper, who will try to get him to explain Labour’s economic policy through his preferred method of cryptic clues and psychological games.

‘People misunderstand Ed,’ explained his wife, ‘he only ever attacks people he doesn’t like or who get in his way. Most of the time he’s a pussy cat, which is probably just as well because he ate ours.’

Mr Balls gained his reputation as a psychopathic monster over many years. Firstly, working under Gordon Brown where he learned the ancient art of scowling, brooding and angrily throwing things round the room. Then, as Shadow Education Minister, when he would regularly tear chunks out of Michael Gove. ‘That was bad enough,’ said Gove, ‘but once he invited me to dinner, paralysed me with a boring lecture on education theory, before cutting open my skull and eating bits of my brain. Thankfully, it hasn’t affected me in any way.’

Mr Balls rejected accusations that he had recently threatened to eat George Osborne’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. ‘I don’t drink Chianti,’ explained Balls, ‘Everyone knows that I am much more of a Champagne Sociopath.’

Advertisements

The Queen has invited the broadcaster David Dimbleby to form the next government of the United Kingdom. ‘He is the only man capable of commanding the confidence of the nation,’ said a spokesman for Buckingham Palace, ‘Her Majesty has therefore asked Mr Dimbleby to hold the reigns of power until further notice.’

‘I am proud and humbled to be selected as your next Prime Minister,’ said Dimbleby, ‘I haven’t slept for the last 72 hours but I promise to stay awake for as long as the country needs me.’

The decision was made after more than 17 million people chose the BBC Election coverage – significantly more than any of the political parties. ‘This is hugely disappointing,’ said Conservative leader David Cameron, ‘but the people of Britain have spoken and we must respect their decision.’

Gordon Brown was invited to the Palace to receive the news in person from the Queen. However, in the car home, he was clearly caught on mic saying, ‘they should never have put me with that woman’ before describing Her Majesty as ‘a bigoted monarch’.

Dimbleby has made it clear that he will appoint a cabinet of ‘all the talents’ with the role of Home Secretary going to Nick Robinson, Chancellor Stephanie Flanders and Foreign Secretary John Simpson. Remaining members of the government will be chosen using the traditional method of pointing into the crowd and saying: ‘You Sir with the long hair, sorry Madam.’

Some experts believe that Dimbleby could go on to form a permanent administration with the backing of Nick Clegg in a so-called ‘Dim-Dem Pact.’ However, such a deal will only be possible if both men can reach an agreement over who gets to wear the most lurid tie.

Dimbleby is expected to move into Number 10 later today or just as soon as a 24-hour emergency locksmith can be found to open the door.

A free hypnosis CD is included at the back of every copy of the Labour Party election manifesto to help voters feel calm, relaxed and totally unable to remember the last 13 years.

“As people listen to my voice,” said Lord Mandelson, “they will slowly feel themselves drifting into a trance-like state of well being, safe in the knowledge that voting Labour will help them to lose weight, achieve instant confidence and become more successful than they have ever imagined.”

The CD has already been criticised by David Cameron: “Hypnotising the electorate is a cheap trick and yet another example of Labour stealing Conservative ideas. Michael Gove has produced our mind programming CD although so far it mostly sends people to sleep.”

Nick Clegg was so angry that he personally rang up Lord Mandelson to complain. However, following a short conversation, Mr Clegg reported feeling much better about himself and is now planning to vote Labour.

Experts believe that the prime minister is showing increasing signs of being under the influence of the dark Lord. “You only have to look at Gordon to see that he has been reading Mandelson’s self-help book, ‘I Can Make You Grin’,” said hypnotist, Derren Brown, “and if you slow the video footage down you can clearly see that he is sending out the subliminal message: ‘Help Me!’”

Mr Brown has rejected accusations that Lord Mandelson has become too influential. “Peter is a close personal friend of both myself and Sarah and the fact that he is the only man who can cure our children of haemophilia is neither here nor there. Besides, people have tried killing him off loads of times and he always survives.”

Speaking at a press conference Lord Mandelson denied allegations that he was also behind a nationwide campaign of subliminal adverts. “Have you seen any of these subliminal adverts?” he asked reporters, “No. Of course you haven’t.”