Scientists are said to be ‘baffled’ after a school teaching Creationism suddenly appeared overnight in a Hampshire field complete with a full retinue of teachers and pupils.

St Usshers Junior Mixed Infants is being heralded as the world’s first truly Creationist school, miraculously emerging out of the dust in what is believed to be the first recorded example of educational genesis.

‘I was as surprised as anyone to find myself here,’ said newly created headmaster, Dr William Jennings Bryan. ‘We haven’t seen anything quite like this since the beginning of the Earth in 4004 BC.’

Dr Bryan ran through the St Usshers curriculum. ‘Today the kids have Intelligent Design and Technology in which they have to devise and build their own ark. Then, this afternoon, it’s double pseudoscience followed by flat earth geography.’

The arrival of the school has been welcomed by Education Secretary Michael Gove. ‘St Usshers has set a magnificent example in appearing fully formed out of nowhere and at no cost to the taxpayer,’ he said. ‘This is just the kind of ‘free school’ I want to see more of. And what’s more, the teachers never threaten to go on strike.

‘Of course I realise that some people are uncomfortable with religious schools but surely it’s worth putting up with a few extra bible classes in return for this gift from God.’

However, Hampshire County Council has already raised concerns about St Usshers. ‘It’s all very well getting a shiny new school,’ said councillor Jeremy Spigot, ‘but at no stage did anyone run this past us. I don’t care if it is all part of God’s grand design. He should have sought planning permission first.’

Meanwhile, St Usshers is facing a bullying problem from neighbouring school St Dawkins. ‘The boys from St Dawkins are an absolute nightmare,’ said Dr Bryan. ‘Only last week some of them came by and deliberately threw fossils into our playground, shouting ‘Explain that!’ before running off giggling.’

Local parents remain sceptical after a recent Ofsted report revealed that everyone attending St Usshers was an idiot. ‘I admit we don’t have the brightest pupils,’ said Dr Bryan, ‘but that’s hardly surprising since we don’t believe in selection.’

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Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls is regarded as so dangerous that whenever he appears in public he must wear a face mask, straitjacket and be wheeled everywhere on a trolley.

‘It was a risk to promote him,’ admitted Labour Leader Ed Miliband, ‘and safety is our first concern. Especially mine. That’s why he must wear the mask at all times and remain under very close supervision.’

Balls, a clinical economist, is well known for his frightening ability to get into the minds of his opponents and cause them great psychological distress through the use of embarrassing statistics and traumatising lectures on supply-side economics.

‘The man is a monster,’ said Chancellor George Osborne, ‘last time I saw him he made me break down and cry simply by whispering the phrase “neo classical endogenous growth theory”. I won’t go anywhere near him.’

When not being wheeled out to savage the government, Mr Balls will be kept in solitary confinement at the high security wing of the House of Commons; there he will listen to Bach’s Goldberg Variations and dream of the day he will get an office with a view. Mr Balls will be regularly visited by his wife and cabinet colleague, Yvette Cooper, who will try to get him to explain Labour’s economic policy through his preferred method of cryptic clues and psychological games.

‘People misunderstand Ed,’ explained his wife, ‘he only ever attacks people he doesn’t like or who get in his way. Most of the time he’s a pussy cat, which is probably just as well because he ate ours.’

Mr Balls gained his reputation as a psychopathic monster over many years. Firstly, working under Gordon Brown where he learned the ancient art of scowling, brooding and angrily throwing things round the room. Then, as Shadow Education Minister, when he would regularly tear chunks out of Michael Gove. ‘That was bad enough,’ said Gove, ‘but once he invited me to dinner, paralysed me with a boring lecture on education theory, before cutting open my skull and eating bits of my brain. Thankfully, it hasn’t affected me in any way.’

Mr Balls rejected accusations that he had recently threatened to eat George Osborne’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. ‘I don’t drink Chianti,’ explained Balls, ‘Everyone knows that I am much more of a Champagne Sociopath.’

A-level students have expressed shock and disappointment after being denied the chance to excitedly jump up and down live on TV as they receive their results, following a BBC decision to re-broadcast footage of last year’s pupils instead.

‘We simply cannot afford to go out and film yet more students jumping up and down,’ said BBC Director of News Helen Boaden, ‘Every year it’s the same. Two of them do really well and say, ‘Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t believe it,’ while the other one looks a bit disappointed but puts on a brave face for the cameras.’

‘It’s a disgrace,’ said 18 year-old Tracy Buggles, ‘I spent two years studying for the moment when a news crew would turn up and film my rollercoaster of emotions as I received a ‘b’ in Media Studies. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am. Well I could, but only if it means I get on the telly.’

Newspapers also face criticism after it emerged that every August, for the last ten years, they have published the same photograph of a fourteen-year-old girl who got twelve A grades and a five-year-old boy who passed A-level maths and is now going to Oxford. It has since been revealed that neither of these children existed and that the pictures used were of the editor’s kids who are both certified idiots.

Education experts have expressed dismay at the repeats. ‘My livelihood relies on giving interviews saying that A-levels are becoming easier,’ said one, while another added, ‘and mine relies on saying that these young people should be very proud of their achievements.’ The BBC insists that there is no need to record any more interviews since neither expert has said anything new in over twenty years, and both are still wearing the same ties.

‘These kids have all worked really hard and they deserve to be shown on television jumping up and down,’ said Education Secretary Michael Gove, ‘I only hope that they don’t get disillusioned, and will now go on to University where, after three years of dedicated endeavour and financial sacrifice, they will get another chance to appear on TV in a report about unemployed graduates.’

Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced that in the future all new schools will be built and maintained by the pupils. ‘This is what I mean by ‘free schools,’ he said, ‘the kids build them and it doesn’t cost us a penny.’

Under the scheme, from September every school pupil in England and Wales will be issued with a hammer, some nails and a pot of paint. ‘Obviously we want them to do a good job,’ said Mr Gove, ‘which is why I have set up a range of ‘Building Academies’ where the kids will get basic training in woodwork, bricklaying and plastering. The brighter kids can have a go at architecture while the thicker ones can focus on wolf-whistling and showing their bottoms to passers by.’

‘We are already well on the way to building our school,’ said nine-year-old Ollie Brownlow, ‘so far it’s got a helipad, a rocket launcher and a secret underground control centre. Of course it won’t be easy to build entirely out of crisp wrappers and milk bottle tops, but if it means getting out of double maths then we’re all very keen.’

The Shadow Education Secretary has already questioned the safety of some of the new buildings. ‘Many of these schools are made from old toilet rolls held together with bits of string,’ he complained, ‘at least under Labour they would have been provided with cereal boxes and some sticky-backed plastic.’

‘I am not too bothered by the structural stability of the buildings,’ said Mr Gove, ‘the important thing is the quality of the teaching. That is why we are also asking pupils to construct their own teachers out of twigs and old clothes. It costs a lot to train a real teacher but a ‘scare-teacher’ hardly costs anything – and, according to a recent Ofsted report, the kids treat them with a lot more respect.’

Mr Gove rejected allegations that the whole scheme was being funded on a shoestring. ‘It’s not just a shoestring,’ he insisted, ‘we are also providing a conker, a crayon and some half-eaten chewing gum as well.’

A free hypnosis CD is included at the back of every copy of the Labour Party election manifesto to help voters feel calm, relaxed and totally unable to remember the last 13 years.

“As people listen to my voice,” said Lord Mandelson, “they will slowly feel themselves drifting into a trance-like state of well being, safe in the knowledge that voting Labour will help them to lose weight, achieve instant confidence and become more successful than they have ever imagined.”

The CD has already been criticised by David Cameron: “Hypnotising the electorate is a cheap trick and yet another example of Labour stealing Conservative ideas. Michael Gove has produced our mind programming CD although so far it mostly sends people to sleep.”

Nick Clegg was so angry that he personally rang up Lord Mandelson to complain. However, following a short conversation, Mr Clegg reported feeling much better about himself and is now planning to vote Labour.

Experts believe that the prime minister is showing increasing signs of being under the influence of the dark Lord. “You only have to look at Gordon to see that he has been reading Mandelson’s self-help book, ‘I Can Make You Grin’,” said hypnotist, Derren Brown, “and if you slow the video footage down you can clearly see that he is sending out the subliminal message: ‘Help Me!’”

Mr Brown has rejected accusations that Lord Mandelson has become too influential. “Peter is a close personal friend of both myself and Sarah and the fact that he is the only man who can cure our children of haemophilia is neither here nor there. Besides, people have tried killing him off loads of times and he always survives.”

Speaking at a press conference Lord Mandelson denied allegations that he was also behind a nationwide campaign of subliminal adverts. “Have you seen any of these subliminal adverts?” he asked reporters, “No. Of course you haven’t.”