Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls is regarded as so dangerous that whenever he appears in public he must wear a face mask, straitjacket and be wheeled everywhere on a trolley.

‘It was a risk to promote him,’ admitted Labour Leader Ed Miliband, ‘and safety is our first concern. Especially mine. That’s why he must wear the mask at all times and remain under very close supervision.’

Balls, a clinical economist, is well known for his frightening ability to get into the minds of his opponents and cause them great psychological distress through the use of embarrassing statistics and traumatising lectures on supply-side economics.

‘The man is a monster,’ said Chancellor George Osborne, ‘last time I saw him he made me break down and cry simply by whispering the phrase “neo classical endogenous growth theory”. I won’t go anywhere near him.’

When not being wheeled out to savage the government, Mr Balls will be kept in solitary confinement at the high security wing of the House of Commons; there he will listen to Bach’s Goldberg Variations and dream of the day he will get an office with a view. Mr Balls will be regularly visited by his wife and cabinet colleague, Yvette Cooper, who will try to get him to explain Labour’s economic policy through his preferred method of cryptic clues and psychological games.

‘People misunderstand Ed,’ explained his wife, ‘he only ever attacks people he doesn’t like or who get in his way. Most of the time he’s a pussy cat, which is probably just as well because he ate ours.’

Mr Balls gained his reputation as a psychopathic monster over many years. Firstly, working under Gordon Brown where he learned the ancient art of scowling, brooding and angrily throwing things round the room. Then, as Shadow Education Minister, when he would regularly tear chunks out of Michael Gove. ‘That was bad enough,’ said Gove, ‘but once he invited me to dinner, paralysed me with a boring lecture on education theory, before cutting open my skull and eating bits of my brain. Thankfully, it hasn’t affected me in any way.’

Mr Balls rejected accusations that he had recently threatened to eat George Osborne’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. ‘I don’t drink Chianti,’ explained Balls, ‘Everyone knows that I am much more of a Champagne Sociopath.’

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Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg says that he is ‘absolutely delighted’ to be the wet nurse for David and Samantha Cameron’s new child.

‘I have spent the last few months undergoing hormone replacement therapy in preparation for this very moment,’ said Mr Clegg, who has already developed what he describes as ‘a fulsome pair of lactating man boobs.’

The ‘wet-nursing clause’ is understood to have been a deal breaker in the coalition agreement with Mr Cameron refusing a referendum on voting reform until Mr Clegg promised to offer up his breast in return.

‘It’s so jolly nice of Cleggie to be helping out like this,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘Samantha and I lead such busy lives so it is good to know that Nick is there at home, dressed as a nurse and suckling our young.’

However, there have been some objections to the prospect of Mr Clegg breastfeeding during meetings of Cabinet. ‘I am not sure that any of us want to see Nick’s Knockers thrust in our face,’ said Communities Secretary Eric Pickles, ‘that sort of thing could put me right off my dinner.’

Other members of the Lib Dem team will also help to provide round-the-clock baby care. Business Secretary Vince Cable will read bedtime stories while Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander will dress up as a jester and merrily prance about the room in an attempt to keep the baby amused – reprising a role that he currently performs for George Osborne.

‘What Nick and his team are doing is the very essence of what I mean by The Big Society,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘they run around doing all the work while Samantha and I sit in the garden drinking Pimm’s.’

Mr Clegg is expected to breast feed for the next six months, although he may continue for longer after a number of Tory backbenchers expressed a keen interest in his services.

‘Emergency Budget with The Delicious Miss Dahl has been very popular,’ said BBC Director General, Mark Thompson, ‘audiences love the way that Sophie can explain the Public Sector Borrowing Requirement by seductively licking crème fraiche off a spoon. And her announcement of changes to Capital Gains Tax by smearing her lips in chocolate sauce was remarkably instructive.’

During the show, former model Miss Dahl told viewers: ‘I am now going to slowly strip away the figures and show you some vital statistics. Watch as I crunch the numbers, pull out the growth package and do some quantitative teasing that will really make your eyes water.’ At this point, fellow presenter Huw Edwards had to leave the studio for a cold shower and a little lie down.

The BBC have strenuously denied accusations that they were trying to ‘sex-up’ the Budget with so called ‘Fiscal Totty’. ‘That is absolute nonsense,’ said Mr Thompson, ‘Sophie is a well known expert in macro-economic theory. To think that we would employ her simply to make the budget more sexy is ridiculous. And the fact that Nick Robinson and Robert Peston presented the show topless with little bow ties is neither here nor there.’

Chancellor George Osborne welcomed the new presenter: ‘It has been a real thrill to have Miss Dahl going through the contents of my red box,’ he said excitedly, ‘she has really raised my interest rates.’

Prime Minister David Cameron went further: ‘I am seriously considering making Miss Dahl the new Chancellor. The British people would much prefer to hear about savage cuts to public spending from a former glamour model who is prepared to get her kit off than George Osborne. Although George would be prepared to get his kit off if the role demanded it.’

Shadow Chancellor Alistair Darling raised a note of caution. ‘Miss Dahl is undoubtedly a very attractive young lady but certain sectors of the country may be too fragile to cope with her at this stage. A lot of middle aged men could collapse under the strain, especially if they end up seeing a double dip. Besides, I much prefer Nigella.’

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is ‘honoured’ by his new appointment as personal fag to David Cameron.

Under the arrangement, Mr Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members of Cabinet.

‘Of course Clegg is not a full boarder,’ said Cameron, ‘he’s a day boy. But rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.’

‘This is a unique opportunity,’ said Clegg, ‘For some people, running around and opening doors for your fagmaster might seem demeaning. But for me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.’

David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie. ‘This is all part of the rough and tumble of government,’ said Cameron, ‘I am sure that the new boys will soon get used to this horseplay and find their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.’

Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. ‘This isn’t exactly what I had signed up for,’ said Mr Cable, ‘and it may take a little while getting used to my new ministerial title as ‘Scullion’.’

When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied, ‘I have made his bed, and I will lie in it.’

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne has finally revealed how the Conservative Party can cut the deficit without raising taxes via a fully costed ‘Magic Money Tree’.

Speaking at an election press conference an excited Mr Osborne said: “It looks just like a normal tree but instead of leaves it produces twenty pound notes.” Mr Osborne then produced a picture of a tree that he had drawn using special coloured pens.

“I used to think that George Osborne was a blithering idiot,” confessed Lib Dem Treasury spokesman, Vince Cable, “but I have to say that the Magic Money Tree looks like the solution to all our problems.”

The tree, which has been fully costed and independently verified by the Institute for Fiscal Studies, has received worldwide acclaim. “George Osborne has managed to completely transcend the old battle between Monetarism and Keynesianism,” said Nobel Prize winning economist, Joseph Stiglitz, “the Magic Money Tree is a work of genius.”

“I hate to admit this,” said Gordon Brown, “but George Osborne’s Magic Money Tree is the answer. I have tried for many years to grow my own ‘Neo-Classical Endogenous Growth Tree’ but sadly it withered and died – probably because it wasn’t magic. For a while I experimented with a ‘Supply-Side Golden Goose’ but in the end we were forced to sell it to Cash4Gold.”

A minor note of caution was raised by economist Will Hutton: “This is undoubtedly a great idea but in order to grow a money tree you first need to plant a magic coin. Mr Osborne has yet to explain where this coin is coming from or how long it will take for it to grow into a fully fledged magic tree.”

Mr Osborne rejected any criticism of his theory as sour grapes. “The important thing to remember is that this tree is magic,” he explained, “and I am pleased to say that we have the backing of over 60 of the country’s leading witches and wizards. They all say that the Magic Money Tree is guaranteed to work so long as I water it every day with the tears of a unicorn.”