A massive rise in unemployed Daleks is causing major problems at jobcentres up and down the country, swamping offices and threatening to exterminate staff who fail to find them a job.

The problem has been caused after thousands of Daleks were laid off by the BBC, their traditional employer, who have decided to ‘give them a rest’.

‘We don’t want to end up on the scrap heap,’ said Dalek Caan, ‘although as scrap we probably do have considerable value.’

‘It’s an absolute nightmare,’ complained one employment adviser. ‘They wheel around the centre, crashing through walls as they go, and then they insist on applying for jobs that they cannot possibly do. One of them wanted to be a home carer and another tried for a job in a kindergarten. To be honest, the Daleks are not very strong on people skills, but you try telling them that.’

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith insisted the government was doing everything it could to get the Daleks back to work. ‘The great thing about these guys is that they really want to find jobs,’ he said, ‘ok, so they might be threatening to annihilate the entire human race if they don’t find a job, but at least that shows some initiative.’

Meanwhile, former Employment Secretary Lord Tebbit gave unemployed Daleks some advice: ‘My father was a Dalek in the 1930s,’ he said. ‘He didn’t riot. He got on his castors and looked for work.’

However, local jobseekers are less than impressed with the Dalek invasion. ‘They come over here from the planet Skaro, claiming our benefits and taking our jobs,’ grumbled one man, ‘and I bet they go straight to the top of the council house waiting list. They should go back to where they came from.’

Jobcentre staff say that they are working hard to find work for the Daleks. ‘Some of them have already found jobs as plumbers,’ said employment advisor Mrs Maureen Grebe, ‘apparently they have these built-in sink plungers that are absolutely ideal. A few of the older ones also have an egg whisk facility so we got them jobs in catering.’

‘Of course the main problem is that the Daleks have had every emotion removed except that of pure hatred,’ explained Mr Duncan Smith, ‘but thankfully there are still plenty of vacancies out there for traffic wardens.’

The BBC World Service is to be replaced by a rolling 24-hour radio show presented by Foreign Secretary William Hague.

‘I have always dreamed of being a DJ,’ said Mr Hague, ‘as a small boy I would regularly spin classic vinyl of the speeches of Winston Churchill. I can’t wait to get down and funky with the global massive.’

The World Service, which is funded through the Foreign Office, recently announced that it was axing 650 jobs and would be cutting five of its language services.

‘I can easily do the jobs of these people,’ insisted Mr Hague, ‘I may not be fluent in 32 different languages but music is a universal language. Listeners will soon forget their need for an impartial news service when I start playing them tunes from my Abba collection.’

The new service will be broadcast live from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office, hosted by Mr Hague alongside regular contributions from visiting foreign dignitaries. ‘We are hoping to go for a zoo format,’ explained Mr Hague, ‘like Steve Wright in the Afternoon but with more emphasis on geopolitics.’

The show will feature regular phone-ins allowing the 180 million listeners worldwide a chance to engage in light-hearted jovial banter with Mr Hague about war, famine and global hegemony. There will also be exciting new competitions in which people can win foreign aid, an arms shipment or military intervention.

‘Every Sunday we will have a run down of the top 40 countries,’ said Mr Hague, ‘will China overtake America for the Number One spot? And where will Britain be this week?’ Mr Hague is also hoping to emulate the prank phone calls of Noel Edmonds in which he rings up world leaders and pretends to be someone of importance.

Speaking from his studio, Mr Hague denied that his show would be a throwback to old style DJs of the past. ‘Of course I am a big fan of Dave Lee Travis,’ he said, ‘Who isn’t? But I can be dangerous and edgy too, like Tony Blackburn. And to keep down with the kids I have even changed my name to Will.i.am.’

‘Hague FM will provide people around the world with an invaluable service,’ said the Foreign Secretary, ‘we have spent billions of pounds invading foreign countries, the least we can do for them now is lay down some funky tunes.’

A-level students have expressed shock and disappointment after being denied the chance to excitedly jump up and down live on TV as they receive their results, following a BBC decision to re-broadcast footage of last year’s pupils instead.

‘We simply cannot afford to go out and film yet more students jumping up and down,’ said BBC Director of News Helen Boaden, ‘Every year it’s the same. Two of them do really well and say, ‘Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t believe it,’ while the other one looks a bit disappointed but puts on a brave face for the cameras.’

‘It’s a disgrace,’ said 18 year-old Tracy Buggles, ‘I spent two years studying for the moment when a news crew would turn up and film my rollercoaster of emotions as I received a ‘b’ in Media Studies. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am. Well I could, but only if it means I get on the telly.’

Newspapers also face criticism after it emerged that every August, for the last ten years, they have published the same photograph of a fourteen-year-old girl who got twelve A grades and a five-year-old boy who passed A-level maths and is now going to Oxford. It has since been revealed that neither of these children existed and that the pictures used were of the editor’s kids who are both certified idiots.

Education experts have expressed dismay at the repeats. ‘My livelihood relies on giving interviews saying that A-levels are becoming easier,’ said one, while another added, ‘and mine relies on saying that these young people should be very proud of their achievements.’ The BBC insists that there is no need to record any more interviews since neither expert has said anything new in over twenty years, and both are still wearing the same ties.

‘These kids have all worked really hard and they deserve to be shown on television jumping up and down,’ said Education Secretary Michael Gove, ‘I only hope that they don’t get disillusioned, and will now go on to University where, after three years of dedicated endeavour and financial sacrifice, they will get another chance to appear on TV in a report about unemployed graduates.’

‘Emergency Budget with The Delicious Miss Dahl has been very popular,’ said BBC Director General, Mark Thompson, ‘audiences love the way that Sophie can explain the Public Sector Borrowing Requirement by seductively licking crème fraiche off a spoon. And her announcement of changes to Capital Gains Tax by smearing her lips in chocolate sauce was remarkably instructive.’

During the show, former model Miss Dahl told viewers: ‘I am now going to slowly strip away the figures and show you some vital statistics. Watch as I crunch the numbers, pull out the growth package and do some quantitative teasing that will really make your eyes water.’ At this point, fellow presenter Huw Edwards had to leave the studio for a cold shower and a little lie down.

The BBC have strenuously denied accusations that they were trying to ‘sex-up’ the Budget with so called ‘Fiscal Totty’. ‘That is absolute nonsense,’ said Mr Thompson, ‘Sophie is a well known expert in macro-economic theory. To think that we would employ her simply to make the budget more sexy is ridiculous. And the fact that Nick Robinson and Robert Peston presented the show topless with little bow ties is neither here nor there.’

Chancellor George Osborne welcomed the new presenter: ‘It has been a real thrill to have Miss Dahl going through the contents of my red box,’ he said excitedly, ‘she has really raised my interest rates.’

Prime Minister David Cameron went further: ‘I am seriously considering making Miss Dahl the new Chancellor. The British people would much prefer to hear about savage cuts to public spending from a former glamour model who is prepared to get her kit off than George Osborne. Although George would be prepared to get his kit off if the role demanded it.’

Shadow Chancellor Alistair Darling raised a note of caution. ‘Miss Dahl is undoubtedly a very attractive young lady but certain sectors of the country may be too fragile to cope with her at this stage. A lot of middle aged men could collapse under the strain, especially if they end up seeing a double dip. Besides, I much prefer Nigella.’

The Queen has invited the broadcaster David Dimbleby to form the next government of the United Kingdom. ‘He is the only man capable of commanding the confidence of the nation,’ said a spokesman for Buckingham Palace, ‘Her Majesty has therefore asked Mr Dimbleby to hold the reigns of power until further notice.’

‘I am proud and humbled to be selected as your next Prime Minister,’ said Dimbleby, ‘I haven’t slept for the last 72 hours but I promise to stay awake for as long as the country needs me.’

The decision was made after more than 17 million people chose the BBC Election coverage – significantly more than any of the political parties. ‘This is hugely disappointing,’ said Conservative leader David Cameron, ‘but the people of Britain have spoken and we must respect their decision.’

Gordon Brown was invited to the Palace to receive the news in person from the Queen. However, in the car home, he was clearly caught on mic saying, ‘they should never have put me with that woman’ before describing Her Majesty as ‘a bigoted monarch’.

Dimbleby has made it clear that he will appoint a cabinet of ‘all the talents’ with the role of Home Secretary going to Nick Robinson, Chancellor Stephanie Flanders and Foreign Secretary John Simpson. Remaining members of the government will be chosen using the traditional method of pointing into the crowd and saying: ‘You Sir with the long hair, sorry Madam.’

Some experts believe that Dimbleby could go on to form a permanent administration with the backing of Nick Clegg in a so-called ‘Dim-Dem Pact.’ However, such a deal will only be possible if both men can reach an agreement over who gets to wear the most lurid tie.

Dimbleby is expected to move into Number 10 later today or just as soon as a 24-hour emergency locksmith can be found to open the door.

After studying twenty years of data, scientists have finally concluded that dinosaurs died out as a result of enlarged and swollen blood vessels in the anus. ‘It’s obvious when you think about it,’ said Dr Gareth Collins from Imperial College, London, ‘and it certainly explains why they were always making so much noise.’

‘The haemorrhoids would have been particularly difficult for the dinosaurs to deal with,’ explained, Dr Collins, ‘especially the tyrannosaurus rex who only had very short arms and would have therefore been unable to apply any cream.’

The panel of 41 experts studied all the available data and conclude that 65 million years ago the dinosaurs were struck down by massive varicose veins in the anal cavity. The claims are said to be backed up by piles of evidence in the fossil record.

The theory also explains how the haemorrhoidal impact would have affected the natural environment. Joanna Morgan, co-author of the review, said: ‘The haemorrhoids will have triggered large-scale annoyance in the prehistoric rectums of these creatures causing itching, inflammation and constipation. They will have probably stomped around in quite a bad mood for a while, no doubt sparking fires, earthquakes and tsunamis as they went.’

The final nail in the coffin for the dinosaurs will have been the impact of a Grade Four haemorrhoid, sometimes known as ‘perianal haematoma’, that will have utterly devastated the Jurassic arse. ‘Not only would it have been very painful’, said Dr Collins, ‘but it would have also been socially awkward for any diplodocus or triceratops to walk around with something like that hanging from their bottom. I imagine many of them will have simply died from embarrassment.’

It is not known exactly what caused the haemorrhoids to strike although many scientists believe that the dinosaurs were suffering from hypertension caused by the constant stress of thinking that they were all about to be hit by an asteroid.

The extinction of the dinosaurs paved the way for smaller, warm-blooded mammals to populate the Earth, eventually leading to mankind and the evolution of Anusol.

The findings are expected to form the basis of a new CGI documentary from the BBC entitled, ‘Wincing with Dinosaurs.’

‘Each candidate will attempt to speak for sixty seconds without repetition, hesitation or deviation,’ said debate moderator Nicholas Parsons, ‘points will be awarded to any contestant who manages to speak sense for an entire minute – which is almost unheard of.’

Gordon Brown welcomed the new rules although expressed disappointment that challenges are to be made via a buzzer and not through the medium of shouting and throwing things around. ‘A minute is a long time for me to speak coherently,’ confessed David Cameron, ‘so, as usual, I plan to break it up into six, ten second sound bites.’ Nick Clegg said that he was ‘really looking forward to taking part’ before being immediately buzzed for irrelevance.

Secret footage of rehearsals shows that each candidate has his own individual weakness. David Cameron was challenged for endless repetition of the phrase ‘Broken Britain’; Nick Clegg constantly deviated by twisting every topic into a call for proportional representation; and Gordon Brown ‘ummed’ and ‘erred’ about everything before grabbing Nicholas Parsons by the lapels, throwing the stopwatch across the studio and storming off in a huff.

‘Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gets an extra point in the opinion polls,’ said Nicholas excitedly, ‘although I see from the latest scores that we are now expecting a landslide majority for Paul Merton.’

Later debates will move onto other Radio 4 formats. In the ‘Quote Unquote’ round each party leader will attempt to wriggle out of embarrassing things that they have said in the past before accusing the others of saying something far worse.

The sessions will culminate in a special edition of ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ in which candidates will debate supply side economic theory using a swanee whistle and a kazoo. Finally, they will all swap manifestos and sing one sound bite to the tune of another.

In the event of a hung parliament the Queen is expected to apply the rules of Mornington Crescent.