Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg says that he is ‘absolutely delighted’ to be the wet nurse for David and Samantha Cameron’s new child.

‘I have spent the last few months undergoing hormone replacement therapy in preparation for this very moment,’ said Mr Clegg, who has already developed what he describes as ‘a fulsome pair of lactating man boobs.’

The ‘wet-nursing clause’ is understood to have been a deal breaker in the coalition agreement with Mr Cameron refusing a referendum on voting reform until Mr Clegg promised to offer up his breast in return.

‘It’s so jolly nice of Cleggie to be helping out like this,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘Samantha and I lead such busy lives so it is good to know that Nick is there at home, dressed as a nurse and suckling our young.’

However, there have been some objections to the prospect of Mr Clegg breastfeeding during meetings of Cabinet. ‘I am not sure that any of us want to see Nick’s Knockers thrust in our face,’ said Communities Secretary Eric Pickles, ‘that sort of thing could put me right off my dinner.’

Other members of the Lib Dem team will also help to provide round-the-clock baby care. Business Secretary Vince Cable will read bedtime stories while Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander will dress up as a jester and merrily prance about the room in an attempt to keep the baby amused – reprising a role that he currently performs for George Osborne.

‘What Nick and his team are doing is the very essence of what I mean by The Big Society,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘they run around doing all the work while Samantha and I sit in the garden drinking Pimm’s.’

Mr Clegg is expected to breast feed for the next six months, although he may continue for longer after a number of Tory backbenchers expressed a keen interest in his services.

The first meeting of David Cameron’s coalition cabinet has ended in chaos and division with angry arguments about the fairest distribution of tea and biscuits.

‘The existing system of ‘First-Pass-the-HobNobs’ is patently unfair,’ said Lib-Dem leader, Nick Clegg, ‘by the time the biscuits get round to us Eric Pickles has taken all the Chocolate Bourbons. All we are left with are Dr Liam Fox’s Butter Crinkles and nobody wants them.’

‘The Liberal Democrats would like to see a fairer system in which biscuits are allocated according to the number of teas that each of us has,’ said Business Secretary, Vince Cable, ‘I drank three cups of tea but got no biscuits. George Osborne had one cup but snaffled four Custard Creams and a Jammie Dodger, which I clearly saw him hiding under the table.’

The arguments intensified when Home Secretary, Theresa May, raised objections to the Lib-Dem policy of ‘dunking’. ‘We are a modern, progressive party,’ said Mrs May, ‘but I have to draw the line at people who dunk. It is immoral, unnatural and it leaves a horrid gunky mess at the bottom of the cup. That is something I find very difficult to swallow.’

Tensions reached breaking point when William Hague stormed out of the room following a perceived insult from Energy Secretary, Chris Huhne. ‘I think he must have misheard me,’ said Mr Huhne, ‘all I said was that I really hate Garibaldis.’

As the coalition began to crumble, David Cameron made a last ditch attempt to salvage the situation by promising a referendum on AB, or Alternative Biscuits. Under the system every member of cabinet would list their three favourite biscuits in strict order of preference before receiving a variety box containing biscuits nobody really wanted.

‘If the cabinet cannot agree over biscuits then it could trigger a ‘Ginger Snap Election’,’ said constitutional expert, Professor Peter Hennessy, ‘the only remaining option is for David Cameron to ask The Queen to call for the Duchy Originals – something that sounds good in principle but the country simply cannot afford.’

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is ‘honoured’ by his new appointment as personal fag to David Cameron.

Under the arrangement, Mr Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members of Cabinet.

‘Of course Clegg is not a full boarder,’ said Cameron, ‘he’s a day boy. But rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.’

‘This is a unique opportunity,’ said Clegg, ‘For some people, running around and opening doors for your fagmaster might seem demeaning. But for me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.’

David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie. ‘This is all part of the rough and tumble of government,’ said Cameron, ‘I am sure that the new boys will soon get used to this horseplay and find their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.’

Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. ‘This isn’t exactly what I had signed up for,’ said Mr Cable, ‘and it may take a little while getting used to my new ministerial title as ‘Scullion’.’

When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied, ‘I have made his bed, and I will lie in it.’

Following days of extensive negotiations Robin Hood has finally agreed the terms under which he will work with the Sheriff of Nottingham. ‘There had to be a bit of give and take on both sides,’ said the hero of folklore and legend, ‘we have agreed not to take from the rich, and the Sheriff has agreed not to give to the poor.’

‘I am delighted that Robin has finally seen sense,’ said the Sheriff, ‘we share so much in common and we are both passionate about taking money from people. It is just that I prefer to take it from the weak and vulnerable.’

Under the power sharing arrangement, the Merry Men will support the Sheriff’s Men in their violent and bloody persecution of the general public. In return, the Sheriff has agreed not to cancel Christmas.

There were some objections to the deal from the Sheriff’s assistant, Sir Guy of Gisbourne, who was reportedly unhappy with the idea of getting into bed with men in tights. However, he was quickly rebuffed by the Sheriff: ‘We have moved on from our old ‘nasty’ image of yore,’ he said, ‘people need to understand that the Sheriff’s Men are now a modern, progressive movement dedicated to promoting a caring, liberal and inclusive reign of terror.’

Many of Mr Hood’s supporters were hoping for a so-called ‘Rainbow Alliance’ of Friar Tuck, Maid Marian and Little John. However, negotiations quickly fell apart because everyone thought that Little John was a tedious, self-opinionated twat.

‘Of course, we would have liked to secure some serious political reform as well,’ said Robin, ‘but once we saw how nice it was to be inside the castle, we decided that we really didn’t want to go back out into the forest again and sleep rough.’

When asked about the poor, Mr Hood replied, ‘Sorry, the who?’

The Queen has invited the broadcaster David Dimbleby to form the next government of the United Kingdom. ‘He is the only man capable of commanding the confidence of the nation,’ said a spokesman for Buckingham Palace, ‘Her Majesty has therefore asked Mr Dimbleby to hold the reigns of power until further notice.’

‘I am proud and humbled to be selected as your next Prime Minister,’ said Dimbleby, ‘I haven’t slept for the last 72 hours but I promise to stay awake for as long as the country needs me.’

The decision was made after more than 17 million people chose the BBC Election coverage – significantly more than any of the political parties. ‘This is hugely disappointing,’ said Conservative leader David Cameron, ‘but the people of Britain have spoken and we must respect their decision.’

Gordon Brown was invited to the Palace to receive the news in person from the Queen. However, in the car home, he was clearly caught on mic saying, ‘they should never have put me with that woman’ before describing Her Majesty as ‘a bigoted monarch’.

Dimbleby has made it clear that he will appoint a cabinet of ‘all the talents’ with the role of Home Secretary going to Nick Robinson, Chancellor Stephanie Flanders and Foreign Secretary John Simpson. Remaining members of the government will be chosen using the traditional method of pointing into the crowd and saying: ‘You Sir with the long hair, sorry Madam.’

Some experts believe that Dimbleby could go on to form a permanent administration with the backing of Nick Clegg in a so-called ‘Dim-Dem Pact.’ However, such a deal will only be possible if both men can reach an agreement over who gets to wear the most lurid tie.

Dimbleby is expected to move into Number 10 later today or just as soon as a 24-hour emergency locksmith can be found to open the door.

‘In the last General Election 39% of the electorate didn’t vote,’ said Apathist leader, Kevin Dullard, ‘if that figure were translated into parliamentary seats we could win an overall majority. Not that we would bother to turn up of course.’

Speaking at the Apathy party conference, a lacklustre affair at The Dog and Duck, Chipping Norton, Kevin said: ‘We have no idea how to run the country and we haven’t got any policies, so in that sense we combine the very best of both Labour and Conservative.’

A recent boost in the opinion polls coincides with the launch of The Apathist election manifesto. ‘I say manifesto,’ confessed Kevin, ‘it’s really just a few ideas scribbled on the back of a fag packet.’ The manifesto will be accompanied by a Post-it note campaign with the slogan: ‘I’ve never voted before and chances are I won’t be bothering this time either.’

‘We cannot underestimate the power of the ’shrug vote’,’ said Peter Kellner of polling organisation YouGov, ‘we used to get quite a lot of ‘don’t knows’ but now it is mostly ‘don’t cares’ and ‘they’re all the bloody sames’. The Apathy Party don’t even have a campaign strategy but they could very well win this election by default.’

The success of the Apathists is all the more remarkable since they have one of the lowest party memberships in the country. ‘Our lack of members only goes to show just how popular we are,’ said Kevin, ‘basically, it’s just me and my girlfriend Sharon – and she’s thinking of leaving.’

The core vote for Apathy is among so called ‘young people’. Various attempts to politically engage them have so far proved unsuccessful despite a recent pledge by Dermot O’Leary to sleep with every first time voter. Meanwhile, next month, Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg will attempt to get down with the youth in a BBC3 Election Break-Dance Special.

‘It doesn’t matter what they do,’ said Kevin, ‘nothing can stop the march of the Apathists…Except perhaps the Nihilists – but don’t waste your vote on them. That would be pointless.’

In the show, the millionaire benefactor visits an ailing political party and restores its fortunes by pumping in millions of pounds. “He was amazing” said Dave, a community worker, “he turned up, took a look at the shambles we had got ourselves into and slapped £4 million on the table just like that.” “We couldn’t believe our luck,” added George, a trainee project worker, “Good old Mr Ashcroft. He’s a real life saver.”

The Channel 4 show, to be broadcast next week, shows how Lord Ashcroft would disguise himself as a regular party worker, even though he was in fact an international businessman from Belize with an estimated fortune of £1,100 million. “He really doesn’t like to talk about money,” said Dave, “and after all he has done for us we certainly didn’t want to embarrass him by raising the issue.”

Lord Ashcroft has recently revealed his tax status as that of a Non-Dom. “I prefer to see him as a Con-Dom,” said Dave, “He’s a bit rubbery and difficult to live with at times but he does offer us crucial protection.”

“It is nice to think that with all my money I can make a real difference to ordinary people’s lives,” said Lord Ashcroft, “and when I saw these Old Etonians in trouble I knew that I had to step in and do something to help.” The money has already paid for Dave to have a crucial operation to airbrush his face and for George to attend remedial maths lessons.

“As a billionaire I feel that I have a duty to give something back to society,” said Lord Ashcroft, “although obviously, not in the form of tax.”

Project Workers Dave and George