Diana

The Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will include a 3D computer generated Lady Di who will appear at Westminster Abbey to give her blessing to the happy couple.

The full details were disclosed by St James’ Palace: ‘We are pleased to announce that the marriage ceremony will feature a full colour moving hologram of the late Princess of Wales,’ adding, ‘This is not in any way creepy and is exactly what the public wants.’

Scientists, in conjunction with The Daily Express, have been working for many years to develop a perfect representation of Diana that can make public appearances and recreate her special magic.

At the beginning of the ceremony, Archbishop Rowan Williams will declare: ‘We are gathered here today to witness the coming together of two young people in love, but before I go any further will you all please put on your special glasses.’ At this point a 3D holographic Diana will materialise in the Abbey before floating magisterially over the heads of the congregation.

The sequence, choreographed by director of Avatar, James Cameron, will see the CGI Di perform a number of aerial manoeuvres, swooping round the Abbey and occasionally dive-bombing Prince Philip. She will then come to rest, hovering ethereally above the happy couple and anoint them with virtual reality tears.

An estimated television audience of over one billion people are expected to tune in to see the holographic Princess, a spectacle that will climax with her performing a duet of Candle in the Wind with a CGI Elton John.

‘There is a lot of pressure to get this right on the day,’ said Royal holograph operator, Field Marshall Peter Chigley. ‘In one of the rehearsals somebody programmed in the wrong hologram and we ended up with Princess Leia saying: ‘Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi’ – which, of course, would be quite inappropriate.’

It is hoped that after making her appearance at the wedding the holographic Diana will be used to open hospitals, host charity events and be hired out to foreign dignitaries and playboy businessmen.

Speaking outside Downing Street, Prime Minister David Cameron welcomed the 3D Di, saying, ‘She is the People’s Hologram, and that is how she will stay. But only if you wear the special glasses.’

Philip may bring shotgun

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In a shocking revelation, Virginia Wade has confessed that she didn’t win Wimbledon in 1977 and that the whole thing was an elaborately staged plot.

‘I was actually knocked out of the competition in the first round,’ admitted Miss Wade, ‘but afterwards I was approached by a man from MI5. He asked me if I would participate in a top-secret project to commemorate the Queen’s Silver Jubilee. I could hardly refuse.’

The complex scheme involved the live television picture from the 1977 Women’s Final being switched at the last moment to a secret location at the Elstree film studios in Borehamwood.

‘I remember that they had spent millions recreating Centre Court,’ said Miss Wade, ‘it was packed with extras who cheered me to victory over my opponent Betty Stove, who was played by the young actor Martin Shaw. Even though he wasn’t a professional tennis player he was still drugged with a horse tranquilliser to make sure he didn’t accidentally beat me.’

The Queen, who hates tennis, is understood to have stayed at home that day so the Wimbledon trophy was actually awarded to Miss Wade by cross-dressing comedian Stanley Baxter.

Conspiracy theorists have been totally floored by the revelation. ‘We all knew about the Kennedy assassination, the faked moon landings and the lizards controlling the Earth,’ said expert David Icke, ‘but even I didn’t suspect Virginia Wade would do this. I feel such a fool.’

‘In those days a lot of sporting events were staged in the national interest to boost morale,’ said Miss Wade, ‘but I guess the British people are mature enough to cope with the truth now. And by the way, that 1966 World Cup thing…nah…never mind.’

In a surprise twist to the State Opening of Parliament, the Queen revealed that everyone involved was dead and only existed in a parallel dimension.

‘This may be difficult for some of you to take in,’ said the Queen, ‘but every one here in the Palace of Westminster is a ghost. You are all sinners waiting in a state of purgatory as punishment for your crimes.’

‘This a major disappointment,’ said BBC political editor Nick Robinson, ‘I have been watching Parliament since Season One and this ending just seems like a terrible cop out.’

Writers of the long running drama had struggled to find an exit strategy after a series of increasingly convoluted and preposterous storylines. ‘We needed to find some way of tying up all those loose ends,’ said writer, Ashley Pharoah, ‘we toyed with a nuclear bomb or a plane crash but in the end we decided that it was easiest to pretend that none of it had happened in the first place.’

Fans of the show say that the clues were there all along. ‘The House of Lords was obviously full of people who had already passed away,’ said political historian, Professor Peter Hennessy, ‘Gordon Brown had been walking around with a deathly pallor for months and many of us had already twigged that David Cameron wasn’t really human.’

‘The whole thing had been going on far too long anyway,’ said parliamentary commentator Matthew Parris, ‘and some of the recent plot twists had stretched credulity too far. A coalition between the Conservatives and the Liberals. I mean, really…’

Many fans still remain confused. ‘I realise that all the politicians are ghosts,’ said one, ‘but were they all a figment of the Queen’s imagination or is she dead too?’ Meanwhile, others are wondering whether the recent General Election had actually happened. ‘I distinctly remember voting,’ said housewife, Mrs Maureen Grebe, ‘but then I woke up and discovered a government that nobody had voted for. Was that all part of some crazy dream as well?’

‘Why did it all have to end like this?’ bemoaned the show’s newest character, Nick Clegg, as tears rolled down his face, ‘things were all going so well for me and now it turns out I don’t even exist. What a swizz.’

The complete DVD box set of Parliament is now available in the shops at a cost of £6.2 billion.

The first meeting of David Cameron’s coalition cabinet has ended in chaos and division with angry arguments about the fairest distribution of tea and biscuits.

‘The existing system of ‘First-Pass-the-HobNobs’ is patently unfair,’ said Lib-Dem leader, Nick Clegg, ‘by the time the biscuits get round to us Eric Pickles has taken all the Chocolate Bourbons. All we are left with are Dr Liam Fox’s Butter Crinkles and nobody wants them.’

‘The Liberal Democrats would like to see a fairer system in which biscuits are allocated according to the number of teas that each of us has,’ said Business Secretary, Vince Cable, ‘I drank three cups of tea but got no biscuits. George Osborne had one cup but snaffled four Custard Creams and a Jammie Dodger, which I clearly saw him hiding under the table.’

The arguments intensified when Home Secretary, Theresa May, raised objections to the Lib-Dem policy of ‘dunking’. ‘We are a modern, progressive party,’ said Mrs May, ‘but I have to draw the line at people who dunk. It is immoral, unnatural and it leaves a horrid gunky mess at the bottom of the cup. That is something I find very difficult to swallow.’

Tensions reached breaking point when William Hague stormed out of the room following a perceived insult from Energy Secretary, Chris Huhne. ‘I think he must have misheard me,’ said Mr Huhne, ‘all I said was that I really hate Garibaldis.’

As the coalition began to crumble, David Cameron made a last ditch attempt to salvage the situation by promising a referendum on AB, or Alternative Biscuits. Under the system every member of cabinet would list their three favourite biscuits in strict order of preference before receiving a variety box containing biscuits nobody really wanted.

‘If the cabinet cannot agree over biscuits then it could trigger a ‘Ginger Snap Election’,’ said constitutional expert, Professor Peter Hennessy, ‘the only remaining option is for David Cameron to ask The Queen to call for the Duchy Originals – something that sounds good in principle but the country simply cannot afford.’

The Queen has invited the broadcaster David Dimbleby to form the next government of the United Kingdom. ‘He is the only man capable of commanding the confidence of the nation,’ said a spokesman for Buckingham Palace, ‘Her Majesty has therefore asked Mr Dimbleby to hold the reigns of power until further notice.’

‘I am proud and humbled to be selected as your next Prime Minister,’ said Dimbleby, ‘I haven’t slept for the last 72 hours but I promise to stay awake for as long as the country needs me.’

The decision was made after more than 17 million people chose the BBC Election coverage – significantly more than any of the political parties. ‘This is hugely disappointing,’ said Conservative leader David Cameron, ‘but the people of Britain have spoken and we must respect their decision.’

Gordon Brown was invited to the Palace to receive the news in person from the Queen. However, in the car home, he was clearly caught on mic saying, ‘they should never have put me with that woman’ before describing Her Majesty as ‘a bigoted monarch’.

Dimbleby has made it clear that he will appoint a cabinet of ‘all the talents’ with the role of Home Secretary going to Nick Robinson, Chancellor Stephanie Flanders and Foreign Secretary John Simpson. Remaining members of the government will be chosen using the traditional method of pointing into the crowd and saying: ‘You Sir with the long hair, sorry Madam.’

Some experts believe that Dimbleby could go on to form a permanent administration with the backing of Nick Clegg in a so-called ‘Dim-Dem Pact.’ However, such a deal will only be possible if both men can reach an agreement over who gets to wear the most lurid tie.

Dimbleby is expected to move into Number 10 later today or just as soon as a 24-hour emergency locksmith can be found to open the door.

The Bank of England has confirmed that they will be selling the nation’s entire gold reserves after the Governor, Mervyn King, saw an advertisement on daytime television. “It’s great”, said Mr King, “all we have to do is collect up all our unwanted gold, pop it in an envelope and they will do the rest. We could even get a quote within 24 hours,” he added, excitedly.

Bank of England staff are understood to be working around the clock to get all the gold reserves into reasonably sized jiffy bags. “We’re absolutely swimming in the stuff”, said one Bank of England worker. “To be honest it will be a relief to get it out from under our feet.”

Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling has welcomed the Bank’s decision. “Turning gold bullion into cash is a splendid idea and could help us refinance the British economy. I am already talking to the Queen who says she may have some old jewellery lying around.”

All government departments have been instructed to pursue similar money saving measures. The National Health Service is now almost entirely funded by nurses selling patient’s mobile phones to Mazumamobile while The Ministry of Defence is in extensive negotations with the company, webuyanytanks.com

The Chancellor also revealed plans to sell off two of the nation’s national treasures. Stephen Fry has already attracted interest from a Russian oligarch who wants to use him as a house slave. Meanwhile, Sir David Attenborough is to be sold to the Chinese for use as an aphrodisiac.