Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that he will deal with ‘Rubbish Mountains’ that have piled up in regions of Britain by sending in teams of Wombles to clear up the mess.

‘The Wombles are only supposed to be called in at times of national emergency,’ explained Mr Cameron, ‘but I have spoken to Great Uncle Bulgaria and he has kindly agreed to help.’

Over the next few days crack squads of the pointy-nosed rubbish collectors will be dispatched from their underground bunker at Wimbledon Common to binbag-strewn towns up and down the country. They will be issued with a clear remit to ‘make good use of the things that they find, things that the everyday folks leave behind.’

The task force will be led by newly appointed ‘Bin Tsar’ Tobermory. He will co-ordinate troops at a local level including old favourites Tomsk, Bungo and Wellington. Meanwhile, as usual, Orinoco will trail behind at the rear.

Bin collections north of the border will be organised by Cousin Cairngorm McWomble the Terrible while compost and old foodstuffs will be used by Madame Cholet to make a nutritious broth for the troops.

However, there are concerns for the safety of the task force after three Wombles were shot at by members of the public. ‘I think they mistook us for urban foxes,’ said Bungo, ‘however, Tobermory has fashioned us some rather fetching bullet-proof jackets using some old bits of Kevlar he found round the back of the Ministry of Defence.’

Meanwhile, the media are already showing great interest in CCTV footage of a middle-aged woman who saw a Womble, picked it up, and dropped it in a bin. Nobody knows why.

‘The last time that the Wombles were deployed was during the 1978 Winter of Discontent,’ said political historian Professor Peter Hennessy, ‘although in those days they were heavily unionised and held the government to ransom, demanding an endless supply of daisy buns, acorn juice and fir-cone soufflé. This time round they will be lucky if they get grassbread sandwiches at Number 10.’

‘The Wombles are the epitome of the Big Society in action,’ said David Cameron, ‘they do all their Wombling for free and they take any old rubbish that we hand out.’

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Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg says that he is ‘absolutely delighted’ to be the wet nurse for David and Samantha Cameron’s new child.

‘I have spent the last few months undergoing hormone replacement therapy in preparation for this very moment,’ said Mr Clegg, who has already developed what he describes as ‘a fulsome pair of lactating man boobs.’

The ‘wet-nursing clause’ is understood to have been a deal breaker in the coalition agreement with Mr Cameron refusing a referendum on voting reform until Mr Clegg promised to offer up his breast in return.

‘It’s so jolly nice of Cleggie to be helping out like this,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘Samantha and I lead such busy lives so it is good to know that Nick is there at home, dressed as a nurse and suckling our young.’

However, there have been some objections to the prospect of Mr Clegg breastfeeding during meetings of Cabinet. ‘I am not sure that any of us want to see Nick’s Knockers thrust in our face,’ said Communities Secretary Eric Pickles, ‘that sort of thing could put me right off my dinner.’

Other members of the Lib Dem team will also help to provide round-the-clock baby care. Business Secretary Vince Cable will read bedtime stories while Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander will dress up as a jester and merrily prance about the room in an attempt to keep the baby amused – reprising a role that he currently performs for George Osborne.

‘What Nick and his team are doing is the very essence of what I mean by The Big Society,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘they run around doing all the work while Samantha and I sit in the garden drinking Pimm’s.’

Mr Clegg is expected to breast feed for the next six months, although he may continue for longer after a number of Tory backbenchers expressed a keen interest in his services.