cosmic-ordering-service                           In a shock announcement, the largest wish-list provider in the cosmos has been declared bankrupt, leaving many millions of customers unlikely to ever receive their orders.

‘This is the largest retail collapse in the entire history of the Universe,’ said BBC Business Editor Robert Peston, ‘and nobody saw it coming.’

The Cosmic Ordering Service operated a radical new business model in which customers placed orders by writing them down on a piece of paper and then waiting for them to be delivered. However, despite having such a solid business strategy, in recent months the system was beginning to break down with many customers complaining of last minute cancellations, late deliveries and wrong orders.

‘The whole thing is an absolute shambles,’ said one user, Mrs Maureen Grebe. ‘I ordered world peace and harmony and three weeks later they delivered global conflict and discord. And don’t get me started on their customer service line. I have no idea where in the cosmos they’re putting me through to; I’m not even sure any of them speak English.’

Noel Edmonds, a keen promoter of cosmic ordering, was visibly distraught. ‘I simply cannot understand what has gone wrong,’ he said. ‘The system was based on the soundest scientific principles of magic and mysterious things. It just doesn’t make any sense.’

It has also transpired that the Cosmos PLC faces investigation after claims that it has been avoiding billions in Corporation Tax by processing all its orders in another space, time and dimension. ‘What the Cosmic Ordering Service has done is quite unacceptable,’ said a furious Margaret Hodge, chair of the House of Commons Public Accounts Committee. ‘We have demanded that they appear before us to explain themselves. I wrote down the request myself on a piece of paper, although I have yet to receive a reply.’

In the meantime, customers are being advised that if their dreams are not realised in the next few weeks, then they might consider switching suppliers and making their orders from a parallel universe.

Despite numerous requests the cosmos was unavailable for comment.

 

 

 

 

In the show, the millionaire benefactor visits an ailing political party and restores its fortunes by pumping in millions of pounds. “He was amazing” said Dave, a community worker, “he turned up, took a look at the shambles we had got ourselves into and slapped £4 million on the table just like that.” “We couldn’t believe our luck,” added George, a trainee project worker, “Good old Mr Ashcroft. He’s a real life saver.”

The Channel 4 show, to be broadcast next week, shows how Lord Ashcroft would disguise himself as a regular party worker, even though he was in fact an international businessman from Belize with an estimated fortune of £1,100 million. “He really doesn’t like to talk about money,” said Dave, “and after all he has done for us we certainly didn’t want to embarrass him by raising the issue.”

Lord Ashcroft has recently revealed his tax status as that of a Non-Dom. “I prefer to see him as a Con-Dom,” said Dave, “He’s a bit rubbery and difficult to live with at times but he does offer us crucial protection.”

“It is nice to think that with all my money I can make a real difference to ordinary people’s lives,” said Lord Ashcroft, “and when I saw these Old Etonians in trouble I knew that I had to step in and do something to help.” The money has already paid for Dave to have a crucial operation to airbrush his face and for George to attend remedial maths lessons.

“As a billionaire I feel that I have a duty to give something back to society,” said Lord Ashcroft, “although obviously, not in the form of tax.”

Project Workers Dave and George