Martin Jarvis taken into Administration
March 26, 2010
Radio 4 are holding ‘crisis talks’ today after the actor Martin Jarvis called in the administrators after failing to secure enough programme credits. ‘I am an actor,’ declared Jarvis, ‘I cannot possibly continue without constant affirmation or, at the very least, a newly commissioned series of Just William.’
Mark Damazer, Controller of Radio 4, said, ‘We have given Martin all the voiceover work we possibly can. He already provides the voices for everything from The Shipping Forecast to Book at Bedtime. He even does the voice of Jenni Murray on Woman’s Hour. There’s nothing left for him to do.’
‘It’s not enough,’ wailed Jarvis, ‘and if I don’t get a new commission for Just William then I shall scream and scream and scream until I am sick.’
Insiders say that Jarvis has been increasingly squeezed out of the schedules by new programming guidelines that decree all Radio 4 shows must, by law, be presented by David Mitchell. ‘Anyone can do David Mitchell’s voice,’ insisted Jarvis, ‘you just have to infuse every third word with a note of irrelevant sarcasm. It’s hardly rocket science.’
‘Martin has been struggling for some time,’ said voiceover expert, Brian Perkins, ‘things started going wrong for him when he lost out to Stephen Fry on the Harry Potter contract. It was all downhill after that.’
Experts believe that once the administrators move in, Jarvis will be asset stripped. His face to be used as a backdrop for period dramas, his golden mop of hair has already been reserved by Elton John and his prized vocal chords will be broken up and sold to the Chinese for use as an aphrodisiac.
This article is now available as a BBC audio book, read by David Mitchell.
The Bank of England has confirmed that they will be selling the nation’s entire gold reserves after the Governor, Mervyn King, saw an advertisement on daytime television. “It’s great”, said Mr King, “all we have to do is collect up all our unwanted gold, pop it in an envelope and they will do the rest. We could even get a quote within 24 hours,” he added, excitedly.
Bank of England staff are understood to be working around the clock to get all the gold reserves into reasonably sized jiffy bags. “We’re absolutely swimming in the stuff”, said one Bank of England worker. “To be honest it will be a relief to get it out from under our feet.”
Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling has welcomed the Bank’s decision. “Turning gold bullion into cash is a splendid idea and could help us refinance the British economy. I am already talking to the Queen who says she may have some old jewellery lying around.”
All government departments have been instructed to pursue similar money saving measures. The National Health Service is now almost entirely funded by nurses selling patient’s mobile phones to Mazumamobile while The Ministry of Defence is in extensive negotations with the company, webuyanytanks.com
The Chancellor also revealed plans to sell off two of the nation’s national treasures. Stephen Fry has already attracted interest from a Russian oligarch who wants to use him as a house slave. Meanwhile, Sir David Attenborough is to be sold to the Chinese for use as an aphrodisiac.
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