Olympic mascots Wenlock and Mandeville have become the front-runners in the Labour leadership race. ‘This pair of strange, amorphous, genderless beings are exactly what the party needs,’ said acting leader Harriet Harman, ‘they add colour, diversity and a touch of magic to the leadership campaign.’

The shiny, one eyed mascots launched their bid for the Labour leadership at a school in East London where, like all the other candidates, they proceeded to stand there, flap their arms around a bit and say absolutely nothing.

‘Wenlock is probably favourite to take the post having had greater experience in foreign affairs,’ said BBC political editor Nick Robinson, ‘however, many people believe that Mandeville looks cuter and could be more fun.’

Despite being related, both mascots have pledged not to criticise the other. ‘Wenlock and Mandeville love each other very much,’ said their mother, Lord Coe, ‘and they will compete fairly for the Labour leadership, very much in the Olympic tradition.’

The support for Wenlock and Mandeville is seen by many as a direct response to the recent decision by the Conservative Party to adopt their very own fluffy mascot, Nick Clegg. ‘The Labour Party clearly needs a mascot of its own,’ said Lord Mandelson, ‘especially one that I can climb inside and operate myself.’

The arrival of Wenlock and Mandeville has raised expectations that other ‘dark horse’ mascots may also throw their hats into the ring. Other laughable candidates include a running, jumping Big Ben, a giant spinning teapot and Ed Balls.

Lord Mandelson rejected suggestions that the Labour Party might be resistant to another one-eyed leader: ‘They may only have one eye,’ he said, ‘but Wenlock and Mandeville have a singular vision for Britain.’

Speaking at the launch for London 2011, Ovett said: “I have been planning my Olympic Games for some time, but mostly from the middle of the field where no-one could see me. I have just been waiting for the right moment to break.”

“This is so typical,” said an enraged Lord Coe, “I have dedicated my life to making London 2012 a success and, just as we enter the final lap, Steve Ovett appears on my shoulder and overtakes me.”

Performing a lap of honour, a triumphant Ovett crowed: “London 2011 will be the greatest Olympic Games ever. The stadium is built, a fully integrated transport system is in place, we have a decent logo and best of all, Boris Johnson has agreed to stay away.”

Ovett is believed to have been secretly plotting his revenge on Coe for years. At the end of the 2008 Beijing Olympics he was seen running off with the Olympic Torch and cackling like a maniac. Ovett then held the torch to ransom until the International Olympic Committee agreed to give him a Games of his own.

Close friend of Lord Coe, William Hague, said, “Seb is absolutely devastated. I tried consoling him but he just sits there, rocking backwards and forwards and punching an Olympic mascot.”

After the launch, Ovett said: “London 2011 is much more than just a sporting event. These games are about making a real investment, a long-term commitment to destroying the hopes and dreams of Sebastian Coe.”