Downing Street has confirmed that David Cameron will now be charging a fee for anyone to ask him a question in the House of Commons.

‘This is all perfectly legal and above board,’ said Francis Maude, Minister for the Cabinet Office and Lightning Conductor General, ‘but it’s only reasonable that Mr Cameron is fairly remunerated for his work at PMQs, especially now that he has to pay for his own dinners.’

The revelations came to light when former party treasurer Peter Cruddas was secretly filmed hanging around outside the House of Commons offering MPs a chance for a ‘quickie’ with the Prime Minister, plus the possibility that ‘Samanfa might watch’.

Under the scheme MPs can choose from a range of packages. The entry level Toady Club offers members a chance to ask sycophantic questions such as, ‘Wouldn’t the Prime Minister agree with me that he is doing a simply marvellous job?’ Meanwhile, The Wannabe Leader’s Group offers the opportunity to ask Mr Cameron questions about his record or personal integrity, with prices starting at only £10,000 each. Questions by Dennis ‘Beast of Bolsover’ Skinner have been set at a modest £250,000.

‘I shouldn’t have to pay good money to hold the Prime Minister to account,’ said Opposition leader Ed Miliband. ‘Given my performance, if anything, he should be paying me.’

However, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said he thought the charges were quite reasonable. ‘If I had known it was this cheap to get access to Mr Cameron I wouldn’t have needed to sell my soul.’

People watching PMQs at home will now also be subject to charges. Under the new Prime Ministerial Paywall, subscribers to the basic package will get access to all of PMQs plus repeats of classic Cameron on Dave Ja Vu.

Meanwhile an adult channel, Cameron Blue, will offer viewers the chance to see the Prime Minister in his Downing Street flat performing a sexy pole dance and talking dirty about tax cuts. This service is expected to be very popular among merchant bankers.

Mr Maude denied that Cash for Prime Ministerial Questions would undermine the democratic process. ‘While people will be paying for the chance to ask Mr Cameron questions he won’t be providing any answers,’ he promised, ‘and there is absolutely no way we would ever allow a question at PMQs to actually influence government policy.’

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Pope Benedict XVI has announced plans for all Roman Catholic clergy to be installed with a special ‘panic button’ that will allow users to report suspected paedophiles.

In a pastoral email, the Holy Pontiff revealed that the emergency button would be accessible at the bottom right hand side of all cassocks, providing a direct link to CEOP – the Catholic Exploitation and Online Protection centre.

The Pope assured the faithful that the button would mean an end to any more cover-ups: ‘Every complaint registered with us will be thoroughly investigated,’ he promised, ‘by our newly appointed Papal Noncio.’

Father Flynn O’Flaherty, head of CEOP, welcomed the decision. ‘With over 1 billion users worldwide, Catholicism is one of the largest social networking sites. It is therefore imperative that we make it look like a safe environment for all our users.’

Experts believe that the ‘panic button’ will help to deter offenders because once pressed it not only contacts CEOP but also sends a 2000 watt electric charge to the offender’s genitals.

However, some clergy have raised objections to the button. ‘We already have a number of measures in place,’ said one anonymous Irish Cardinal, ‘I have a ‘privacy button’ which allows people to raise any concerns about my behaviour. All I ask is that anyone wishing to lodge a complaint agrees to sign a legally binding confidentiality clause.’

‘From next year all our priests, bishops and cardinals will be expected to carry the new CEOP icon’ said a Vatican representative, ‘for many years our clergy have carried religious icons but these have not had as much effect on their behaviour as we might have hoped.’

The new ‘panic button’, featuring the image of a ‘Smiley Pope’, also gives users instant access to CSI-Vatican – a crack team of cardinals who will visit the scene of the crime and, using the very latest forensic techniques, miraculously find no evidence whatsoever.

In a shock reappearance, the 7th Earl of Lucan told a packed press conference: “I have absolutely nothing to hide. I murdered that nanny in good faith.”

The elderly peer, who disappeared in 1974, said: “What I did was in full accordance with Parliamentary rules as they stood at the time. I even took the precaution of running it by the Fees Office and they assured me that it was all perfectly legal.”

Speaking later, Director of Public Prosecutions, Keir Starmer, accepted “That after re-examining the case, Lord Lucan is exempt from prosecution under the 1689 Bill of Rights, Article 3, Sub Section 2, ‘murdering of staff provision’.”

However, Lord Lucan will be asked to pay back expenses claimed for a piece of lead piping, which was clearly purchased for personal use.

Asked whether he believed he had done anything wrong, Lord Lucan replied, “The thing you have to remember is that in 1974 everyone was doing it. Killing the nanny was part of the culture. Maybe I was bending the rules a little but in those days murdering the staff was something that was almost expected.”

Lord Lucan said he was looking forward to getting back to normal life. His newfound celebrity has already been rewarded with an invite to appear on Channel 4’s ‘Celebrity Wife Swap’ where he will spend a week as the husband of Supernanny, Jo Frost. “I’m looking forward to it,” said Jo, “If he gives me any trouble he’ll have his privileges removed and be sent straight to the naughty step.”