Rebekah Brooks unresigns

July 17, 2011

In yet another twist to the phone hacking scandal, former News International chief executive Rebekah Brooks has announced her unresignation from the company.

‘It is totally inconceivable that I could have known anything about my resignation,’ said Ms Brooks, speaking to a small crowd of remaining News International staff. ‘Clearly I cannot be held responsible for any decision to resign because when I made it I was only in charge,’ adding, ‘and anyway I was probably on holiday at the time.’

The unresignation has been welcomed by News Corp chairman James Murdoch. ‘It’s great to have her back on board. Over the past few weeks Rebekah has played an invaluable role in detracting attention away from me and my dad and our honest endeavours to make the whole thing go away.’

Ms Brooks has now signed a new contract with News Corp in which she agrees to resign and unresign on a daily basis. ‘This new firewall contract is the perfect solution,’ explained Ms Brooks, ‘It allows me to take decisions one day while evading responsibility for them the next.’

The decision to unresign follows outrage after Ms Brooks’ original resignation was deemed ‘insensitive’, coming as it did while BBC journalists were holding a one day strike and unable to cover the story in full. ‘This is so typical of Rebekah,’ complained BBC political editor Nick Robinson. ‘She deliberately waited until I wasn’t there before resigning. She should now do the decent thing: unresign, then resign again for not resigning well enough the first time.’

Politicians have also welcomed the move. ‘I have been calling for her resignation for ages,’ said MP Chris Bryant, ‘but now that she has actually resigned it leaves a massive gap in my diary. I think I speak for everyone when I say, welcome back Rebekah. Now we can all get back to the important business of demanding that she resign.’

In a rare interview Mr Murdoch senior welcomed the development. ‘Yes, we have made a few minor mistakes’, he confessed, ‘but now that everyone at News Corp has been forced to sign our new employment-unemployment contract in which they resign every day, nobody can ever be held accountable for their actions. We have finally achieved my lifelong dream: power without responsibility, the prerogative of the Rupert throughout the ages.’

Rupert Murdoch has launched the world’s first pay-per-view dream app, The Nightly, which downloads News Corp content directly into the heads of subscribers while they sleep.

‘I have already invaded every other aspect of people’s lives,’ said Mr Murdoch at the launch, ‘It was only a matter of time before I moved into the realm of dreams.’

The Nightly will feed directly into the sleeping brains of subscribers with a package of ‘premier league’ dreams including flying through the air, falling but never hitting the ground and running through treacle as you try to flee from a sinister, all-powerful media presence.

Those wanting more dangerous dreams can press the red button for a selection of ‘Fox News Nightmares’, including being chased down the street by a naked Glenn Beck and waking up screaming as you discover that you have just spent the night with Sarah Palin.

‘I have long dreamed of tapping into the vast potential of the human subconscious,’ said Murdoch, ‘the only issue was how to make it profitable. Now we have the solution – the ‘oneiric paywall’ – this gives our subscribers access to News Corp-approved dreams while preventing piracy through illegal dream-sharing sites such as Napster. The very last thing we want are people sharing their dreams.’

However, the launch of The Nightly has been undermined by news that a number of News Corp employees are being investigated for illegally hacking into the minds of celebrities in order to reveal their deepest darkest secrets. ‘If these people don’t want us hacking into their Freudian subconscious then they should change their pin code,’ said an exasperated Murdoch, ‘at the moment it’s too easy. It’s always 1234 and the password is ‘mother’.

Police are currently contacting hundreds of potential victims, including Sienna Miller and John Prescott, to warn them that someone may have tampered with their ego.

Despite the setback, Mr Murdoch has already launched The Nightly in the USA where he hopes to secure exclusive rights to the American Dream. He will then continue his mental takeover bid in the UK, having already secured a monopoly over the mind of the British government.

‘This is all about choice,’ said Murdoch, ‘the choice of people to have me in their heads 24 hours a day. This is my dream and it could be yours too for only $39.99 a year.’

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is engaged in a multi-million dollar legal battle with God over the rights to use the term ‘sky’, claiming that the Almighty’s creation of the same name represents a clear trademark infringement.

‘This second rate deity has obviously stolen the whole idea from BSkyB,’ claimed Mr Murdoch. ‘He’s even taken our distinctive blue logo and is passing it off as His own. It’s a bloody disgrace.’

Lawyers for God claim that He got there first, pointing to documents in the Book of Genesis that establish that their client created the sky on the second day. However, Mr Murdoch contends that, while this may be true, God failed to secure a worldwide patent on the design or bothered to trademark the name.

‘I don’t know who was advising God at the time,’ said legal expert Joshua Rosenberg, ‘but before embarking on such an elaborate scheme He should have sought some legal advice. On the first day God really should have created a copyright lawyer.’

Lawyers for Mr Murdoch argue that customers could easily confuse his and God’s products – both are vast in scope, essentially blue and run by an omnipotent being with a reputation for wrath and vengeance.

Sky say that their case is also supported by consumer research which shows that a majority of the public believes that the heavens and the Earth are controlled by Rupert Murdoch, while God is a power-mad egomaniac responsible for an endless stream of sensational stories about sex and death.

The products are very similar,’ said lawyers for Mr Murdoch, ‘and the last thing we want is for people to start looking up at the sky and wonder in awe at God’s creation when they could be indoors watching Pineapple Dance Studios.’

Speaking at a press conference Mr Murdoch said: ‘This God bloke should give up now before I take Him for everything that He’s got. He might be merciful but I’m bloody well not.’

“It was horrendous,” said fellow presenter Adam Boulton, “Kay was just standing there when I heard the noise of breaking news. By the time I turned round, the entire wall had collapsed and she had been crushed by the full weight of events.”

Burley, now trapped under the rubble of the giant interactive video screen, continues to give regular live updates. “I am reporting to you quite literally from inside the news,” said Burley, “around me all I can see are the shattered remains of events, stories that have been tragically cut off in their prime, news items that will never now see the light of day. But one story remains. A story of hope. A story of triumph over disaster. And that story is me.”

A search and rescue operation is already underway, led by Sky Weatherman, and all action hero, Francis Wilson. “If I have to pull the rubble apart with my bare hands then I will do it,” said Wilson, ripping off his shirt and adjusting his hair, “I will do whatever it takes to save Kay Burley.”

There is increasing concern that Burley, who is caught within a multi-media air pocket, will soon run out of the oxygen of publicity. “We will report on her plight for as long as we can,” said Dermot Murnaghan, “but, inevitably, there will be a point when we get bored of her and move on to another more important story. We can only hope and pray that during this critical period all sports stars stop having affairs.”

It is unclear what caused the News Wall to collapse although many had warned that it was structurally unsound. “A lot of the wall was held together by much weaker items that were not made of actual news,” said media expert, Raymond Snoddy, “Within the rubble we have already found the remnants of celebrity gossip, tittle tattle and idle speculation. These features will have severely undermined the integrity of the wall and made it vulnerable to collapse.”

Hopes were beginning to fade for Burley last night, who is being kept alive by a 24 hour news feed. “We don’t know how long she can survive in there,” said a tearful Eamonn Holmes, “but we really need to get her out soon because tomorrow she’s got a very big interview with Peter Andre.”