Moral Guardian

In a move that has surprised media experts, the Daily Mail and the Guardian are to join forces to create the Moral Guardian, a new paper that combines both moral outrage AND hummus recipes.

In their first edition they have an exclusive scoop about how Romanian immigrants are coming over here and bringing with them delicious new cuisine, how Brussels bureaucrats are forcing everyone to do mindfulness yoga, plus leaked photos from the NSA revealing that Edward Snowden may be suffering from cellulite.

The Mail’s ‘sidebar of shame’ will stay, although it will mainly consist of social workers in bikinis complaining about negative body stereotyping. Meanwhile, the Guardian’s dating site, Guardian Soulmates, will be updated to include a new influx of Mail readers looking for love but with an underlying sense of bitterness and fear.

The paper will be jointly edited by Alan Rusbridger and Paul Dacre who will combine their liberal and conservative values into every story. Editorial disagreements will be resolved by them wrestling naked in front of a circle of cheering journalists until one of them submits.

‘The Moral Guardian shows that press self-regulation can work,’ said Dacre. ‘Every time I produce a malicious hatchet job about someone’s dead dad, Alan comes along and makes it nice, fluffy and socially aware.’

Mail and Guardian columnists will also unite into one holistic whole. In future, Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee will co-edit all their pieces to produce rabid, hateful polemics about the need for greater social justice, while Quentin Letts’ smug, smart-arsed sniping will be counter-balanced by a po-faced George Monbiot warning of imminent ecological disaster. Also, in a decision to be welcomed by all, Mail columnist Jan Moir will be sent to South America to do a feature on peasant farming in Bolivia, and then completely forgotten about.

The first edition of The Moral Guardian will be published tomorrow and will include a free ‘Illegal Immigrant Wallchart: ‘How to identify them, where they might be hiding and why they might have some interesting cultural lessons to teach us.’

 

 

 

Following days of extensive negotiations Robin Hood has finally agreed the terms under which he will work with the Sheriff of Nottingham. ‘There had to be a bit of give and take on both sides,’ said the hero of folklore and legend, ‘we have agreed not to take from the rich, and the Sheriff has agreed not to give to the poor.’

‘I am delighted that Robin has finally seen sense,’ said the Sheriff, ‘we share so much in common and we are both passionate about taking money from people. It is just that I prefer to take it from the weak and vulnerable.’

Under the power sharing arrangement, the Merry Men will support the Sheriff’s Men in their violent and bloody persecution of the general public. In return, the Sheriff has agreed not to cancel Christmas.

There were some objections to the deal from the Sheriff’s assistant, Sir Guy of Gisbourne, who was reportedly unhappy with the idea of getting into bed with men in tights. However, he was quickly rebuffed by the Sheriff: ‘We have moved on from our old ‘nasty’ image of yore,’ he said, ‘people need to understand that the Sheriff’s Men are now a modern, progressive movement dedicated to promoting a caring, liberal and inclusive reign of terror.’

Many of Mr Hood’s supporters were hoping for a so-called ‘Rainbow Alliance’ of Friar Tuck, Maid Marian and Little John. However, negotiations quickly fell apart because everyone thought that Little John was a tedious, self-opinionated twat.

‘Of course, we would have liked to secure some serious political reform as well,’ said Robin, ‘but once we saw how nice it was to be inside the castle, we decided that we really didn’t want to go back out into the forest again and sleep rough.’

When asked about the poor, Mr Hood replied, ‘Sorry, the who?’