Moral Guardian

In a move that has surprised media experts, the Daily Mail and the Guardian are to join forces to create the Moral Guardian, a new paper that combines both moral outrage AND hummus recipes.

In their first edition they have an exclusive scoop about how Romanian immigrants are coming over here and bringing with them delicious new cuisine, how Brussels bureaucrats are forcing everyone to do mindfulness yoga, plus leaked photos from the NSA revealing that Edward Snowden may be suffering from cellulite.

The Mail’s ‘sidebar of shame’ will stay, although it will mainly consist of social workers in bikinis complaining about negative body stereotyping. Meanwhile, the Guardian’s dating site, Guardian Soulmates, will be updated to include a new influx of Mail readers looking for love but with an underlying sense of bitterness and fear.

The paper will be jointly edited by Alan Rusbridger and Paul Dacre who will combine their liberal and conservative values into every story. Editorial disagreements will be resolved by them wrestling naked in front of a circle of cheering journalists until one of them submits.

‘The Moral Guardian shows that press self-regulation can work,’ said Dacre. ‘Every time I produce a malicious hatchet job about someone’s dead dad, Alan comes along and makes it nice, fluffy and socially aware.’

Mail and Guardian columnists will also unite into one holistic whole. In future, Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee will co-edit all their pieces to produce rabid, hateful polemics about the need for greater social justice, while Quentin Letts’ smug, smart-arsed sniping will be counter-balanced by a po-faced George Monbiot warning of imminent ecological disaster. Also, in a decision to be welcomed by all, Mail columnist Jan Moir will be sent to South America to do a feature on peasant farming in Bolivia, and then completely forgotten about.

The first edition of The Moral Guardian will be published tomorrow and will include a free ‘Illegal Immigrant Wallchart: ‘How to identify them, where they might be hiding and why they might have some interesting cultural lessons to teach us.’

 

 

 

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In his first week running the country Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has suffered a major blow to his confidence as everyone in Britain began emitting a low frequency hum.

‘Look, I know exactly what you are doing,’ said Mr Clegg in a televised address to the nation, ‘Just because Mr Cameron is away, you think that you can start mucking around. Well, you’ve had your fun, now get back to work.’

In a series of ‘Town Hall meetings’ Mr Clegg travelled the country pleading with people to ‘settle down’, ‘be quiet’, and to ‘get on with the assignments left for you by Mr Cameron’. However, despite threatening 60 million people with lines and a detention, Mr Clegg was continually ignored and the humming continued.

‘Look, this is just silly,’ said Mr Clegg, at yet another emergency press conference, adding ‘it’s your own time that you’re wasting.’

As tears welled up in the Deputy Prime Minister’s eyes, BBC political editor Nick Robinson jumped up from his seat and shouted, ‘Hey everyone, Clegg’s losing it!’ This was quickly followed by a trio of right wing hacks, Quentin Letts, Peter Oborne and Charles Moore, who began chanting from the back of the room, ‘Smeghead Clegg! Smeghead Clegg!’

‘Stop it! Stop it once!’ screamed Mr Clegg, his voice now cracking as he struggled to be heard over the din. By now the press conference had descended into chaos with Mr Clegg’s proposals on constitutional reform now flying round the room in the form of paper darts.

At one stage Mr Clegg turned his back and was smacked on the head by a soggy tampon. ‘Right! Who threw that?’ demanded Clegg, as the assembled journalists all looked down at their shoes. Unconfirmed reports suggest it was the work of Channel Four’s Gary Gibbon, but nobody confessed.

Discipline was briefly restored with the arrival of Business Secretary Vince Cable, who stormed into the press conference and chastised the unruly nation with a lecture on fiscal prudence. However, once Mr Cable had left, the humming quickly resumed.

Mr Clegg is now believed to be considering the ultimate sanction – a state of ‘national emergency’ in which the entire British population will have to queue up outside Buckingham Palace to be disciplined by the Queen.