Rebekah Brooks unresigns

July 17, 2011

In yet another twist to the phone hacking scandal, former News International chief executive Rebekah Brooks has announced her unresignation from the company.

‘It is totally inconceivable that I could have known anything about my resignation,’ said Ms Brooks, speaking to a small crowd of remaining News International staff. ‘Clearly I cannot be held responsible for any decision to resign because when I made it I was only in charge,’ adding, ‘and anyway I was probably on holiday at the time.’

The unresignation has been welcomed by News Corp chairman James Murdoch. ‘It’s great to have her back on board. Over the past few weeks Rebekah has played an invaluable role in detracting attention away from me and my dad and our honest endeavours to make the whole thing go away.’

Ms Brooks has now signed a new contract with News Corp in which she agrees to resign and unresign on a daily basis. ‘This new firewall contract is the perfect solution,’ explained Ms Brooks, ‘It allows me to take decisions one day while evading responsibility for them the next.’

The decision to unresign follows outrage after Ms Brooks’ original resignation was deemed ‘insensitive’, coming as it did while BBC journalists were holding a one day strike and unable to cover the story in full. ‘This is so typical of Rebekah,’ complained BBC political editor Nick Robinson. ‘She deliberately waited until I wasn’t there before resigning. She should now do the decent thing: unresign, then resign again for not resigning well enough the first time.’

Politicians have also welcomed the move. ‘I have been calling for her resignation for ages,’ said MP Chris Bryant, ‘but now that she has actually resigned it leaves a massive gap in my diary. I think I speak for everyone when I say, welcome back Rebekah. Now we can all get back to the important business of demanding that she resign.’

In a rare interview Mr Murdoch senior welcomed the development. ‘Yes, we have made a few minor mistakes’, he confessed, ‘but now that everyone at News Corp has been forced to sign our new employment-unemployment contract in which they resign every day, nobody can ever be held accountable for their actions. We have finally achieved my lifelong dream: power without responsibility, the prerogative of the Rupert throughout the ages.’

Rupert Murdoch has launched the world’s first pay-per-view dream app, The Nightly, which downloads News Corp content directly into the heads of subscribers while they sleep.

‘I have already invaded every other aspect of people’s lives,’ said Mr Murdoch at the launch, ‘It was only a matter of time before I moved into the realm of dreams.’

The Nightly will feed directly into the sleeping brains of subscribers with a package of ‘premier league’ dreams including flying through the air, falling but never hitting the ground and running through treacle as you try to flee from a sinister, all-powerful media presence.

Those wanting more dangerous dreams can press the red button for a selection of ‘Fox News Nightmares’, including being chased down the street by a naked Glenn Beck and waking up screaming as you discover that you have just spent the night with Sarah Palin.

‘I have long dreamed of tapping into the vast potential of the human subconscious,’ said Murdoch, ‘the only issue was how to make it profitable. Now we have the solution – the ‘oneiric paywall’ – this gives our subscribers access to News Corp-approved dreams while preventing piracy through illegal dream-sharing sites such as Napster. The very last thing we want are people sharing their dreams.’

However, the launch of The Nightly has been undermined by news that a number of News Corp employees are being investigated for illegally hacking into the minds of celebrities in order to reveal their deepest darkest secrets. ‘If these people don’t want us hacking into their Freudian subconscious then they should change their pin code,’ said an exasperated Murdoch, ‘at the moment it’s too easy. It’s always 1234 and the password is ‘mother’.

Police are currently contacting hundreds of potential victims, including Sienna Miller and John Prescott, to warn them that someone may have tampered with their ego.

Despite the setback, Mr Murdoch has already launched The Nightly in the USA where he hopes to secure exclusive rights to the American Dream. He will then continue his mental takeover bid in the UK, having already secured a monopoly over the mind of the British government.

‘This is all about choice,’ said Murdoch, ‘the choice of people to have me in their heads 24 hours a day. This is my dream and it could be yours too for only $39.99 a year.’