Moral Guardian

In a move that has surprised media experts, the Daily Mail and the Guardian are to join forces to create the Moral Guardian, a new paper that combines both moral outrage AND hummus recipes.

In their first edition they have an exclusive scoop about how Romanian immigrants are coming over here and bringing with them delicious new cuisine, how Brussels bureaucrats are forcing everyone to do mindfulness yoga, plus leaked photos from the NSA revealing that Edward Snowden may be suffering from cellulite.

The Mail’s ‘sidebar of shame’ will stay, although it will mainly consist of social workers in bikinis complaining about negative body stereotyping. Meanwhile, the Guardian’s dating site, Guardian Soulmates, will be updated to include a new influx of Mail readers looking for love but with an underlying sense of bitterness and fear.

The paper will be jointly edited by Alan Rusbridger and Paul Dacre who will combine their liberal and conservative values into every story. Editorial disagreements will be resolved by them wrestling naked in front of a circle of cheering journalists until one of them submits.

‘The Moral Guardian shows that press self-regulation can work,’ said Dacre. ‘Every time I produce a malicious hatchet job about someone’s dead dad, Alan comes along and makes it nice, fluffy and socially aware.’

Mail and Guardian columnists will also unite into one holistic whole. In future, Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee will co-edit all their pieces to produce rabid, hateful polemics about the need for greater social justice, while Quentin Letts’ smug, smart-arsed sniping will be counter-balanced by a po-faced George Monbiot warning of imminent ecological disaster. Also, in a decision to be welcomed by all, Mail columnist Jan Moir will be sent to South America to do a feature on peasant farming in Bolivia, and then completely forgotten about.

The first edition of The Moral Guardian will be published tomorrow and will include a free ‘Illegal Immigrant Wallchart: ‘How to identify them, where they might be hiding and why they might have some interesting cultural lessons to teach us.’




moral panic button

The world’s most visited news website, Mail Online, is to be fitted with a special panic button that readers can use to express their sense of moral outrage. Clicking the button will automatically notify the relevant authorities that Daily Mail readers are upset and that ‘something must be done’.

The decision follows concern that regular readers are being exposed to a constant diet of threats to the social order, celebrity cellulite and Melanie Phillips columns, something that could leave them seriously traumatised unless they have access to immediate help.

‘A panic button is a welcome addition to the site,’ said psychologist Dr Raj Persaud. ‘Without it readers may repress their feelings of moral outrage, which, according to a recent Mail report, could cause cancer.’

Clicking the button quickly redirects readers to a special relaxation page featuring soothing images from the 1950s when the world was a much safer place, people could leave their doors unlocked and children had respect for their elders.

The button will also activate a simple drop-down menu of easy option responses for Mail readers to put in the comments section including: ‘We’re all going to hell in a handcart’, ‘It’s political correctness gone mad,’ and, ‘This is all the fault of the BBC/Europe/gypsies/illegal immigrants/the 1960s/Russell Brand/all of the above.’

The decision has been welcomed by campaigners although many would like things taken a stage further. ‘A Moral Panic button is good for regular Daily Mail readers but many people stumble across the site by accident,’ said celebrity activist Hugh Grant. ‘People of a sensitive liberal disposition may be innocently searching the internet for hummus recipes when they inadvertently find themselves exposed to hard core Daily Mail content. We either need some sort of opt-out filter or, at the very least, a Liberal Outrage button as well.’

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre rejected calls for an additional panic button for liberals. ‘Nowadays the the vast majority of people coming to our website are politically correct Guardian readers looking for something to get upset about. But these people don’t need a special button to register their outrage; they can do what they normally do and go and complain about it on Twitter.’