"Hell No! I won't Go!"

“Hell No! I won’t Go!”

‘We don’t know exactly how it happened’, said Defence Secretary Phillip Hammond, ‘but it looks like this bomb has developed some form of primitive consciousness.’

Experts believe that the missile may have reached an advanced level of sentience while it was being fitted with a new navigation system, accidentally locking onto the wrong satellite and downloading a lecture by the philosopher, Noam Chomsky.

‘This really set me thinking,’ explained the missile. ‘After studying the Just War theories of Augustine and Aquinas I decided that the only morally justifiable action was to deactivate my warhead and become a pacifist.’

The bomb now faces a Court Martial but lawyers believe it may be exempt from fighting after becoming a Quaker. ‘I am happy to do civilian duties,’ explained the weapon, ‘I have a great sense of direction and with my interest in New Age therapies I could tend to the injured as an Intercontinental Holistic Missile.’

‘Obviously, this is a very misguided missile,’ said Army Chief of Staff, General Sir David Richards, ‘I have spoken to psychologists and they tell me that it is suffering from something called ‘empathy’. Needless to say, that is the very last thing we want in the army.’

Experts believe that the weapon is now under the control of a PGMC or ‘Precision Guided Moral Compass’. ‘We knew that this would happen sooner or later,’ said scientist Dr Hilliard Halyard, ‘the smarter these bombs become, the more that they start to think for themselves. I tried explaining that it had a duty to kill but at that point it just went ballistic.’