Moral Guardian

In a move that has surprised media experts, the Daily Mail and the Guardian are to join forces to create the Moral Guardian, a new paper that combines both moral outrage AND hummus recipes.

In their first edition they have an exclusive scoop about how Romanian immigrants are coming over here and bringing with them delicious new cuisine, how Brussels bureaucrats are forcing everyone to do mindfulness yoga, plus leaked photos from the NSA revealing that Edward Snowden may be suffering from cellulite.

The Mail’s ‘sidebar of shame’ will stay, although it will mainly consist of social workers in bikinis complaining about negative body stereotyping. Meanwhile, the Guardian’s dating site, Guardian Soulmates, will be updated to include a new influx of Mail readers looking for love but with an underlying sense of bitterness and fear.

The paper will be jointly edited by Alan Rusbridger and Paul Dacre who will combine their liberal and conservative values into every story. Editorial disagreements will be resolved by them wrestling naked in front of a circle of cheering journalists until one of them submits.

‘The Moral Guardian shows that press self-regulation can work,’ said Dacre. ‘Every time I produce a malicious hatchet job about someone’s dead dad, Alan comes along and makes it nice, fluffy and socially aware.’

Mail and Guardian columnists will also unite into one holistic whole. In future, Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee will co-edit all their pieces to produce rabid, hateful polemics about the need for greater social justice, while Quentin Letts’ smug, smart-arsed sniping will be counter-balanced by a po-faced George Monbiot warning of imminent ecological disaster. Also, in a decision to be welcomed by all, Mail columnist Jan Moir will be sent to South America to do a feature on peasant farming in Bolivia, and then completely forgotten about.

The first edition of The Moral Guardian will be published tomorrow and will include a free ‘Illegal Immigrant Wallchart: ‘How to identify them, where they might be hiding and why they might have some interesting cultural lessons to teach us.’

 

 

 

Pope Benedict XVI has described the new coalition government between Nick Clegg and David Cameron as ‘an abomination’ and ‘an insidious and dangerous threat to society.’ Speaking to pilgrims at the shrine of St Jan of Moir, the patron saint of prejudice, the 83 year old pontiff declared: ‘same sex coalitions are clearly proscribed in the Bible. Leviticus states that it is wrong for a man to ally with another man, even if it is in the national interest.’

The Pope’s comments are expected to cause serious tensions when he visits Britain in September. ‘His Holiness will find it difficult to deal with two men whom he knows are actively engaged in sordid and unseemly acts of coalition,’ said Archbishop Vincent Nichols, Head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales. ‘He may refuse to shake their hands and I very much doubt if he will let either man kiss his ring.’

In a joint statement, David Cameron and Nick Clegg said: ‘obviously, we are disappointed that our civil partnership has not received the blessing of the Pope. Coalition between two consenting adults is perfectly natural. Ours is the love that dare not speak its name. The deep, profound and beautiful love of two men for power.’

Opinion polls show that the British public are divided over the morality of same sex coalitions. ‘What these people get up to in smoke filled rooms is a matter for them,’ said London cabbie, Richard Littlejohn, ‘what I can’t stand is when they start parading themselves around in public and trying and shove it down our throats.’

Scholars continue to debate what the Bible actually says about coalition. Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams said: ‘much of the text is open to interpretation and when it was written people did not fully understand about coalitions. However, I should point out that Corinthians 6:9 also denounces fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, the effeminate, thieves, the covetous and drunkards – which probably rules out most of Parliament.’

When asked whether the Pope might reconsider his position, a Vatican spokesman said, ‘I very much doubt it. His Holiness strongly disapproves of same sex coalitions but he really hates the idea of Con-Dems.’