In a move set to worsen diplomatic tensions, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has announced plans to plant a giant, fast growing Leylandii bush across the 38th parallel, the line that divides North and South Korea.
‘The Dear Leader has had it up to here with his neighbours,’ said a representative for the North, ‘they are always keeping him awake with their noisy capitalist propaganda, and only last week one of their decadent western Frisbees landed in his garden. He has therefore decided to plant a massive hedge right across the border so that he never has to see them again.’
‘This is so typical of the People’s Republic next door,’ said South Korean leader, President Lee Myung-bak, ‘ever since we opposed their plans to build an extension in 1950 they have had it in for us. They deliberately park their tanks on our lawn, they are constantly stomping up and down with their military parades and their missile testing often goes on until the early hours of the morning.’
As tensions mounted, the South pledged to defend itself against what it sees as an overt act of arboreal aggression. ‘The planting of Leylandii is in direct contravention of the Non-Coniferation Treaty,’ said the South Korean President, ‘if they continue with their plans then we shall have no alternative but to launch short range tactical hedge strimmers.’
In a last ditch attempt to salvage relations, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has called upon the services of professional ‘Neighbourhood Mediator’, Mr Lionel Bream, from London’s Camden Borough Council. ‘I have had a lot of experience mediating between warring neighbours,’ said Mr Bream, ‘I find that a solution is always possible over a nice cup of tea and some Chocolate HobNobs.’
However, hopes of an amicable resolution were fading last night after it was revealed that the South had reported the North for building a nuclear weapons facility without proper planning permission. ‘This makes me so mad,’ said Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il, ‘how many times do I have to tell them? It isn’t a nuclear weapons facility. It’s just a very big gazebo.’
As if... 