Scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider have expressed concern after new audio recognition software revealed that the elusive Higgs boson ‘God Particle’ sounds just like squeaky voiced funny man Joe Pasquale.

‘We have spent years developing a sonification system to convert sub atomic collisions into audible sound waves,’ said project leader Dr Lily Asquith, ‘but when we turned it on, all we could hear was a high pitched voice singing: ‘I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.’

Some scientists have described listening to the sound of the God Particle as akin to that of a religious experience with one saying, ‘every time I hear it I feel like I am being crucified.’

According to physicist Professor Brian Cox, ‘It is precisely because the Higgs particle is so elusive that it can only be heard at a nauseatingly high pitch. We were hoping to discover the secrets of the Universe but so far all we have found is an annoying song and an endless stream of very bad puns.’

The £6 billion Large Hadron Collider is designed to shed light on the most fundamental questions, although it is still no nearer to explaining how or why Joe Pasquale ever achieved any kind of success.

‘The team cannot last out for much longer,’ confessed Dr Asquith, ‘we have all been forced to wear earplugs but if it doesn’t stop singing that bloody song soon we may have to close down the entire project.’

Physicists are now working around the clock, firing millions of protons at the squeaky particle in the hope of making it shut up. ‘Quite honestly, I wish that we had never found it,’ said Professor Cox, ‘people said that we might create a black hole that would destroy the Universe, but nobody warned us about this.’

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Swiss police were yesterday involved in a high speed pursuit after the Large Hadron Collider was hotwired and stolen by teenagers. The gang are believed to have jemmied their way in via a breach in the space-time continuum that may have been left open by a cleaner.

Police were unable to keep up with the youths as they drove the high speed particle accelerator around the Franco-Swiss border in a 27km circle of chaos. Eyewitnesses described their shock as the Collider whizzed past them at almost the speed of light before pulling handbrake turns and firing off protons in all directions.

‘I think I saw one of them wave,’ said a confused bystander, ‘although it may have also been a particle.’ An elderly woman was later treated for shock after seeing one boy pull down his pants and moon out of the window shouting: ‘Look! I’ve created a black hole!’

The Collider was eventually found abandoned in a side street covered in a mixture of quark-gluon plasma and Irn Bru.

Experts believe that during the escapade the boys may have inadvertently created the elusive Higgs boson particle when they crashed into a lamppost. However, by the time the police arrived the particle had escaped down a nearby alley.

Head of the Swiss Anti-Gravity Squad, Chief Inspector Lars Toblerone said, ‘These kids were driving around without tax, insurance or any basic understanding of quantum mechanics. Quite literally, anything could have happened.’

Two boys were later arrested and charged with breaking the laws of physics, time travelling without a permit and spray-painting an image of a cock and balls over the fabric of space-time.