gchq+                  Britain’s biggest spy agency, GCHQ, said it was addressing the commercial concerns of 21st Century espionage with the introduction of a new paywall. ‘The move heralds a brave new world of electronic surveillance,’ claimed Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘Now, for just £100 million you get complete access to everything we know.’

According to their adverts, the new service offers, ‘the very latest premier league wire taps, clandestine ops and, of course, every text, email and phone call that anyone ever makes. All sent direct to your own phone, tablet or home computer. No need to tell us your details. We already know.’

The decision follows the recent success of GCHQ Atlantic, a subscription only back-channel that provides premium content to America’s National Security Agency. ‘Our relationship with the NSA has been so successful we decided it was only fair to roll out the service to everyone,’ said Mr Hague. ‘There’s already plenty of interest from other potential customers: Russia, China, Iran, News International. They’re all very keen.’

In addition to domestic surveillance, GCHQ+ will also offer British subscribers a chance to experience all the latest hits from America, including the award winning data collection service PRISM. ‘Traditionally the problem with secret surveillance has been making it pay,’ explained intelligence expert George Smiley. ‘A GCHQ paywall could be the answer, although they will face stiff competition from the growing number of free content providers such as Wikileaks and Edward Snowden.’

‘The alternative would have been advertising, but that really doesn’t work,’ said Smiley. ‘You can’t secretly tap someone’s phone and then interrupt their conversation every five minutes with GoCompare adverts. People start to get suspicious.’

GCHQ+ also hopes to widen its appeal with a new celebrity surveillance service, GCHQ Hello! ‘The public don’t just want to hear about all those nasty terrorist threats,’ said Mr Hague. ‘Our new Eavesdropper App will send out all the latest gossip about the rich and famous direct to your phone, although I should say my torrid affair with Angelina Jolie will continue to remain a state secret.’

Mr Hague rejected claims that GCHQ+ represents a major threat to civil liberties. ‘Of course we’re aware of the concerns and we will listen to people’s comments. They won’t necessarily know we’re listening, but we are.’

 

 

 

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The thought police are all in your mind

Plans to monitor the contents of everyone’s head came a step closer today with a proposed amendment to the government’s draft Data Communications Bill. Under the proposals all beliefs, intentions and ideas will be gathered using the very latest brain imaging satellites and then stored for 12 months in a vast government database at GCHQ, Cheltenham.

‘There is absolutely nothing sinister about monitoring people’s thoughts,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May. ‘If people aren’t thinking anything wrong then they have nothing to hide.’

The proposed Data Communications Bill already requires service providers to store people’s activity on social network sites, webmail, internet phone calls and online gaming. ‘This is all very well,’ said Mrs May, ‘ but it still leaves open the possibility that people may be secretly storing information inside their heads. All we want to do is close this loophole.’

The proposal already has the support of Director of Public Prosecutions Kier Starmer. ‘Research shows that the vast majority of crimes start off life in somebody’s head,’ he explained. ‘Of course defendants will still have the right to remain silent, but in future anything they think may be taken down and used in evidence against them.’

Civil liberties campaigners are outraged by the proposals. ‘This is a gross infringement of people’s privacy,’ said director of Liberty Shami Chakrabarti. ‘Monitoring the contents of people’s minds is totally mental.’

‘Yes, we know these people are outraged,’ said Mrs May. ‘They don’t need to tell us. We’ve already seen what they have to think.’

Responding to criticisms, Mrs May insisted that all proper safeguards will be put in place. ‘Access to people’s thoughts will be restricted to official government agencies,’ she assured, ‘The Police, the intelligence services, HMRC and, to save time, anyone working for News International.’

However, there still remain security concerns following a pilot study of the system in which a civil servant accidentally left the entire thoughts of Nantwich on a train. ‘These are just teething troubles,’ said a Home Office official. ‘We checked the records and nobody in Nantwich had thought anything interesting for a year.’

Mrs May rejected claims that the proposals would end up creating a ‘Thought Police’. ‘This is typical paranoid scaremongering,’ she said. ‘The important thing for people to remember is that the Thought Police are all in their minds.’

 

 

 

The Government has stepped up its plans to increase monitoring of people’s activities by unveiling plans to introduce into every home 24-hour surveillance telescreens that will beam out the massive face of David Cameron.

‘We were planning to monitor everyone’s phone calls, texts and emails but this system is so much simpler,’ said the all-seeing widescreen Prime Minister. ‘Telescreens are the best way for me to personally oversee the Big Society and to make sure that everyone is doing their bit.’

Under the scheme all homes will be fitted with a government-approved CCTV, or Cameron Controlled Television, a combined TV and security camera that will allow ‘Big Dave’ to keep a watchful eye on people’s behaviour at all times.

‘Every telescreen will be HD ready so people can enjoy my big fat face in all its glorious detail,’ said Cameron, ‘and very soon we hope to be rolling out the 3D version so that I can loom menacingly into your living room and tell you not to panic.’

Until recently the telescreens had been restricted to the homes of Inner and Outer party members, and were used primarily to keep an eye on Nick Clegg and make sure he was maintaining his Doublethink. This is the first time that the telescreens will be made available to the Proles, and the news has already been warmly welcomed with a celebratory ‘Two Minutes Hate’.

‘Yes, these new telescreens are fantastic,’ said one random member of the public, a Mr Winston Smith. ‘To know that Mr Cameron is watching over us at all times is very comforting. I feel so loved.’

Concerns expressed by civil liberties campaigners that the country was rapidly turning into a ‘Big Brother’ state were dismissed by newly-appointed Minister for Truth Mr O’Brien. ‘These people are adding two and two together and making four,’ he said, ‘when everyone knows that the real answer is five.’

‘People will soon get used to the telescreens,’ he assured citizens. ‘Let’s face it, most of the time they are on Facebook or Twitter telling everyone what they’re up to anyway, so I fail to see what all the fuss is about.’

The Prime Minister rejected claims that the plans were ‘Orwellian’. ‘I really don’t think that this can be said,’ he insisted, ‘especially since the term ‘Orwellian’ has now been reclassified as a thoughtcrime.’