Moral Guardian

In a move that has surprised media experts, the Daily Mail and the Guardian are to join forces to create the Moral Guardian, a new paper that combines both moral outrage AND hummus recipes.

In their first edition they have an exclusive scoop about how Romanian immigrants are coming over here and bringing with them delicious new cuisine, how Brussels bureaucrats are forcing everyone to do mindfulness yoga, plus leaked photos from the NSA revealing that Edward Snowden may be suffering from cellulite.

The Mail’s ‘sidebar of shame’ will stay, although it will mainly consist of social workers in bikinis complaining about negative body stereotyping. Meanwhile, the Guardian’s dating site, Guardian Soulmates, will be updated to include a new influx of Mail readers looking for love but with an underlying sense of bitterness and fear.

The paper will be jointly edited by Alan Rusbridger and Paul Dacre who will combine their liberal and conservative values into every story. Editorial disagreements will be resolved by them wrestling naked in front of a circle of cheering journalists until one of them submits.

‘The Moral Guardian shows that press self-regulation can work,’ said Dacre. ‘Every time I produce a malicious hatchet job about someone’s dead dad, Alan comes along and makes it nice, fluffy and socially aware.’

Mail and Guardian columnists will also unite into one holistic whole. In future, Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee will co-edit all their pieces to produce rabid, hateful polemics about the need for greater social justice, while Quentin Letts’ smug, smart-arsed sniping will be counter-balanced by a po-faced George Monbiot warning of imminent ecological disaster. Also, in a decision to be welcomed by all, Mail columnist Jan Moir will be sent to South America to do a feature on peasant farming in Bolivia, and then completely forgotten about.

The first edition of The Moral Guardian will be published tomorrow and will include a free ‘Illegal Immigrant Wallchart: ‘How to identify them, where they might be hiding and why they might have some interesting cultural lessons to teach us.’

 

 

 

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gchq+                  Britain’s biggest spy agency, GCHQ, said it was addressing the commercial concerns of 21st Century espionage with the introduction of a new paywall. ‘The move heralds a brave new world of electronic surveillance,’ claimed Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘Now, for just £100 million you get complete access to everything we know.’

According to their adverts, the new service offers, ‘the very latest premier league wire taps, clandestine ops and, of course, every text, email and phone call that anyone ever makes. All sent direct to your own phone, tablet or home computer. No need to tell us your details. We already know.’

The decision follows the recent success of GCHQ Atlantic, a subscription only back-channel that provides premium content to America’s National Security Agency. ‘Our relationship with the NSA has been so successful we decided it was only fair to roll out the service to everyone,’ said Mr Hague. ‘There’s already plenty of interest from other potential customers: Russia, China, Iran, News International. They’re all very keen.’

In addition to domestic surveillance, GCHQ+ will also offer British subscribers a chance to experience all the latest hits from America, including the award winning data collection service PRISM. ‘Traditionally the problem with secret surveillance has been making it pay,’ explained intelligence expert George Smiley. ‘A GCHQ paywall could be the answer, although they will face stiff competition from the growing number of free content providers such as Wikileaks and Edward Snowden.’

‘The alternative would have been advertising, but that really doesn’t work,’ said Smiley. ‘You can’t secretly tap someone’s phone and then interrupt their conversation every five minutes with GoCompare adverts. People start to get suspicious.’

GCHQ+ also hopes to widen its appeal with a new celebrity surveillance service, GCHQ Hello! ‘The public don’t just want to hear about all those nasty terrorist threats,’ said Mr Hague. ‘Our new Eavesdropper App will send out all the latest gossip about the rich and famous direct to your phone, although I should say my torrid affair with Angelina Jolie will continue to remain a state secret.’

Mr Hague rejected claims that GCHQ+ represents a major threat to civil liberties. ‘Of course we’re aware of the concerns and we will listen to people’s comments. They won’t necessarily know we’re listening, but we are.’