As part of budget cuts the entire Ministry of Defence is to be dismantled and replaced by four soldiers of fortune sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit.

‘We need a leaner, less centralised MoD,’ said Defence Secretary Dr Liam Fox, ‘and the A-Team are the perfect replacement. We were committed to spending billions on Trident but these guys have already managed to build us an independent nuclear deterrent using a broken lawnmower, two cans of WD40 and a thighmaster they found in my garage.’

Dr Fox is understood to have got the idea after seeing an advert in the back of Guns & Ammo magazine: ‘If you have an unsustainable budget deficit, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…The A-Team.’

‘We are delighted to be helping the British government tackle their deficit,’ said the new head of British Armed forces Lieutenant Colonel John ‘Hannibal’ Smith, adding, ‘I love it when a strategic defence review comes together.’

Lieutenant Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck will handle weapons procurement; the new head of the RAF becomes Air Chief Marshal ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock; meanwhile B.A. Baracus will supply British troops in Afghanistan with essential supplies of milk and Snickers.

To save on costs, the MoD offices in Whitehall will be sold off and replaced by a specially adapted GMC Vandura van with a built in missile launcher that can be sent to trouble spots around the world.

The A-Team have already pledged to resolve the situation in Afghanistan by driving round the country at tremendous speed and blowing everything up. However, unlike previous invasions, they have promised to get things sorted in under an hour, with ad breaks, and miraculously no loss of life.

The team are expected to fly out to Kabul next week, or just as soon as they manage to persuade B.A. Baracus who is currently refusing to budge saying only, ‘I ain’t getting on no underfunded neo-imperialist campaign, fool.’

Shadow Defence Secretary Jim Murphy criticised the government. ‘These guys are a bunch of mercenary criminals and at least one of them is certified insane,’ he said, ‘and don’t get me started on the A-Team.’

The first meeting of David Cameron’s coalition cabinet has ended in chaos and division with angry arguments about the fairest distribution of tea and biscuits.

‘The existing system of ‘First-Pass-the-HobNobs’ is patently unfair,’ said Lib-Dem leader, Nick Clegg, ‘by the time the biscuits get round to us Eric Pickles has taken all the Chocolate Bourbons. All we are left with are Dr Liam Fox’s Butter Crinkles and nobody wants them.’

‘The Liberal Democrats would like to see a fairer system in which biscuits are allocated according to the number of teas that each of us has,’ said Business Secretary, Vince Cable, ‘I drank three cups of tea but got no biscuits. George Osborne had one cup but snaffled four Custard Creams and a Jammie Dodger, which I clearly saw him hiding under the table.’

The arguments intensified when Home Secretary, Theresa May, raised objections to the Lib-Dem policy of ‘dunking’. ‘We are a modern, progressive party,’ said Mrs May, ‘but I have to draw the line at people who dunk. It is immoral, unnatural and it leaves a horrid gunky mess at the bottom of the cup. That is something I find very difficult to swallow.’

Tensions reached breaking point when William Hague stormed out of the room following a perceived insult from Energy Secretary, Chris Huhne. ‘I think he must have misheard me,’ said Mr Huhne, ‘all I said was that I really hate Garibaldis.’

As the coalition began to crumble, David Cameron made a last ditch attempt to salvage the situation by promising a referendum on AB, or Alternative Biscuits. Under the system every member of cabinet would list their three favourite biscuits in strict order of preference before receiving a variety box containing biscuits nobody really wanted.

‘If the cabinet cannot agree over biscuits then it could trigger a ‘Ginger Snap Election’,’ said constitutional expert, Professor Peter Hennessy, ‘the only remaining option is for David Cameron to ask The Queen to call for the Duchy Originals – something that sounds good in principle but the country simply cannot afford.’