David Cameron has confirmed that the government’s NHS bill will have its life ended by physician-assisted suicide. ‘We tried everything to save it,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘but the condition is terminal. We have therefore decided that the time has come to put it out of its misery.’

Although killing a parliamentary bill is still illegal under British law, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has been given special dispensation to fly it out to Switzerland where it will be terminated by doctors at the Dignitas Clinic.

‘Personally I would have preferred to put the bill into a hospice,’ said Lansley, ‘but the conditions in the House of Lords leave a lot to be desired. Of course we all hoped that during the 10-week listening exercise the bill might show some signs of remission, but every time I spoke to the doctors they told me there was no hope of recovery.’

The BMA has welcomed the decision. ‘While we do not normally approve of physician-assisted suicide, in this case we are prepared to make an exception,’ said a representative. ‘Sometimes the prognosis is so bad that the best option is a quick, painless death, followed by cheering and a street party.’

Various attempts to save the bill had been unsuccessful leaving it with only weeks to live. ‘We knew things had become serious,’ said a tearful Lansley, ‘because the last time I looked at the bill someone had left a sign by its bed reading “Do Not Resuscitate”.’

However, there is concern that some politicians have been placing undue pressure on the bill to have it killed off, purely for their own personal gain. ‘There was no undue pressure,’ insisted Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. ‘I saw the charts and the figures spoke for themselves – it was going to die, and so were we. All I want is for the bill to be given a peaceful, dignified death – personally that is something I would also like for myself but I guess you can’t have everything.’

The prime minister has denied accusations that the decision represents yet another humiliating U-turn. ‘I prefer not to think of this as a U-Turn,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘As politicians we abide by a code of ethics that says that when things get awkward we change our minds to save our skins. It’s called the Hypocritic Oath.’

‘All I want to do is blow myself up but my doctor refuses to help,’ complained Mr Colin Jessup of Godalming, Surrey. ‘All he has to do is pull the cord on my rucksack. But Oh No! It’s medical ethics this and Hippocratic Oath that. It’s political correctness gone mad.’

The controversy has sparked a wider debate about the issue of assisted suicide bombing. ‘This is about one man’s right to have the help he needs to blow himself to bits,’ said Director of Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti, ‘to stand in his way would not only be an infringement of his civil liberties; it would also be very foolish.’

‘I am simply asking for the right to die with a sense of personal dignity,’ insisted Mr Jessop, ‘with my limbs flying off in all directions while my head shoots into the sky. I just want to go out with a bang.’

Currently many assisted suicide bombers feel forced to fly to Switzerland to visit the Indignitas Clinic where they are locked in a secure room and legally detonated by a doctor via remote control. ‘I shouldn’t have to fly to Switzerland,’ said an aggrieved Jessup, ‘I demand the right to blow myself up at home, with my friends and family around me. It’s what I want. Admittedly, it’s not what they want. But it’s what I want.’

However the Justice Secretary has raised a note of caution. ‘Physician-assisted suicide bombing could be the tip of a very explosive iceberg,’ he warned. ‘If we allow this, then before you know it families will start putting pressure on granny to strap up with Semtex and take a Stanna Stairlift to Heaven. Nobody wants to see that. ‘

Doctors have also expressed concern. ‘Of course we respect an individual’s right to explode,’ said a BMA representative. ‘We just don’t want to be the ones exploding with them. Surely this is a job for the Bomb Squad or someone.’

Mr Jessop has threatened to take his case to the High Court. However, police say that if he goes anywhere near the court they will be forced to seize both him and his case and subject them to a controlled explosion.

Fortunately a solution may have been found to Mr Jessop’s detonation dilemma. Next month he will appear on a Top Gear ‘Right to Die’ Special where he will be  blown up by Jeremy Clarkson alongside some caravans, a Vauxhall Vectra and a Toyota Prius.

‘I have no qualms about blowing up Mr Jessup,’ said Clarkson, ‘and I can promise that his death will be both dignified and hilarious.’