wesminster bubble

Plans to contain the entire Westminster village within a vast geodesic sphere are almost complete. The multi-million pound Odium Project aims to collect every variety of politician, lobbyist and political journalist and keep them in a safe, temperature controlled environment.

‘We hope that by containing all the different types of political species we might be able to learn something new about how they operate,’ said Project Director Dr Marcus Pennington. ‘It will also keep them from interacting with the real world, which, as we know, can be disastrous.’

Within the bubble there will be two enclosures, or biomes. The topical biome will allow politicians to run around briefing, counter-briefing and making ill-informed comments about a hot topic in the news. Meanwhile, a second dome will give them something to claim expenses on.

The Odium Project is set to become a popular visitor attraction where the public can come and watch politicians operating in their natural environment. ‘We encourage visitors to look at these strange creatures, but not to touch them or try to give them food,’ explained Dr Pennington. ‘They might appear cute but they easily get excited and things can quickly escalate into a full-scale feeding frenzy.’

Dr Pennington also revealed plans to cross-fertilise certain species of politician to create entirely new varieties. ‘We currently have a very weak strain of Miliband that we are hoping to cross with a hardy perennial, the Dennis Skinner, to create a much more outspoken Leader of the Opposition with an endless supply of abusive comments.’

A more controversial scheme is the plan to create a new Tory hybrid, the Boris-Tebbit. The end result will be a politician that gets on its bike and looks for photo opportunities.

Meanwhile a conservation program will help save endangered species such as The Lesser Spotted Clegg, a rare two-faced chimera currently on the verge of extinction. However, so far, this proposal has seen a notable lack of funding.

The Westminster Bubble will be secured and vacuum sealed next month when all the air will be pumped out leaving the inhabitants to exist purely on the oxygen of publicity.

 

 

 

Downing Street has confirmed that David Cameron will now be charging a fee for anyone to ask him a question in the House of Commons.

‘This is all perfectly legal and above board,’ said Francis Maude, Minister for the Cabinet Office and Lightning Conductor General, ‘but it’s only reasonable that Mr Cameron is fairly remunerated for his work at PMQs, especially now that he has to pay for his own dinners.’

The revelations came to light when former party treasurer Peter Cruddas was secretly filmed hanging around outside the House of Commons offering MPs a chance for a ‘quickie’ with the Prime Minister, plus the possibility that ‘Samanfa might watch’.

Under the scheme MPs can choose from a range of packages. The entry level Toady Club offers members a chance to ask sycophantic questions such as, ‘Wouldn’t the Prime Minister agree with me that he is doing a simply marvellous job?’ Meanwhile, The Wannabe Leader’s Group offers the opportunity to ask Mr Cameron questions about his record or personal integrity, with prices starting at only £10,000 each. Questions by Dennis ‘Beast of Bolsover’ Skinner have been set at a modest £250,000.

‘I shouldn’t have to pay good money to hold the Prime Minister to account,’ said Opposition leader Ed Miliband. ‘Given my performance, if anything, he should be paying me.’

However, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said he thought the charges were quite reasonable. ‘If I had known it was this cheap to get access to Mr Cameron I wouldn’t have needed to sell my soul.’

People watching PMQs at home will now also be subject to charges. Under the new Prime Ministerial Paywall, subscribers to the basic package will get access to all of PMQs plus repeats of classic Cameron on Dave Ja Vu.

Meanwhile an adult channel, Cameron Blue, will offer viewers the chance to see the Prime Minister in his Downing Street flat performing a sexy pole dance and talking dirty about tax cuts. This service is expected to be very popular among merchant bankers.

Mr Maude denied that Cash for Prime Ministerial Questions would undermine the democratic process. ‘While people will be paying for the chance to ask Mr Cameron questions he won’t be providing any answers,’ he promised, ‘and there is absolutely no way we would ever allow a question at PMQs to actually influence government policy.’