In his first week running the country Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has suffered a major blow to his confidence as everyone in Britain began emitting a low frequency hum.

‘Look, I know exactly what you are doing,’ said Mr Clegg in a televised address to the nation, ‘Just because Mr Cameron is away, you think that you can start mucking around. Well, you’ve had your fun, now get back to work.’

In a series of ‘Town Hall meetings’ Mr Clegg travelled the country pleading with people to ‘settle down’, ‘be quiet’, and to ‘get on with the assignments left for you by Mr Cameron’. However, despite threatening 60 million people with lines and a detention, Mr Clegg was continually ignored and the humming continued.

‘Look, this is just silly,’ said Mr Clegg, at yet another emergency press conference, adding ‘it’s your own time that you’re wasting.’

As tears welled up in the Deputy Prime Minister’s eyes, BBC political editor Nick Robinson jumped up from his seat and shouted, ‘Hey everyone, Clegg’s losing it!’ This was quickly followed by a trio of right wing hacks, Quentin Letts, Peter Oborne and Charles Moore, who began chanting from the back of the room, ‘Smeghead Clegg! Smeghead Clegg!’

‘Stop it! Stop it once!’ screamed Mr Clegg, his voice now cracking as he struggled to be heard over the din. By now the press conference had descended into chaos with Mr Clegg’s proposals on constitutional reform now flying round the room in the form of paper darts.

At one stage Mr Clegg turned his back and was smacked on the head by a soggy tampon. ‘Right! Who threw that?’ demanded Clegg, as the assembled journalists all looked down at their shoes. Unconfirmed reports suggest it was the work of Channel Four’s Gary Gibbon, but nobody confessed.

Discipline was briefly restored with the arrival of Business Secretary Vince Cable, who stormed into the press conference and chastised the unruly nation with a lecture on fiscal prudence. However, once Mr Cable had left, the humming quickly resumed.

Mr Clegg is now believed to be considering the ultimate sanction – a state of ‘national emergency’ in which the entire British population will have to queue up outside Buckingham Palace to be disciplined by the Queen.

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Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is ‘honoured’ by his new appointment as personal fag to David Cameron.

Under the arrangement, Mr Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members of Cabinet.

‘Of course Clegg is not a full boarder,’ said Cameron, ‘he’s a day boy. But rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.’

‘This is a unique opportunity,’ said Clegg, ‘For some people, running around and opening doors for your fagmaster might seem demeaning. But for me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.’

David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie. ‘This is all part of the rough and tumble of government,’ said Cameron, ‘I am sure that the new boys will soon get used to this horseplay and find their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.’

Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. ‘This isn’t exactly what I had signed up for,’ said Mr Cable, ‘and it may take a little while getting used to my new ministerial title as ‘Scullion’.’

When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied, ‘I have made his bed, and I will lie in it.’

Following days of extensive negotiations Robin Hood has finally agreed the terms under which he will work with the Sheriff of Nottingham. ‘There had to be a bit of give and take on both sides,’ said the hero of folklore and legend, ‘we have agreed not to take from the rich, and the Sheriff has agreed not to give to the poor.’

‘I am delighted that Robin has finally seen sense,’ said the Sheriff, ‘we share so much in common and we are both passionate about taking money from people. It is just that I prefer to take it from the weak and vulnerable.’

Under the power sharing arrangement, the Merry Men will support the Sheriff’s Men in their violent and bloody persecution of the general public. In return, the Sheriff has agreed not to cancel Christmas.

There were some objections to the deal from the Sheriff’s assistant, Sir Guy of Gisbourne, who was reportedly unhappy with the idea of getting into bed with men in tights. However, he was quickly rebuffed by the Sheriff: ‘We have moved on from our old ‘nasty’ image of yore,’ he said, ‘people need to understand that the Sheriff’s Men are now a modern, progressive movement dedicated to promoting a caring, liberal and inclusive reign of terror.’

Many of Mr Hood’s supporters were hoping for a so-called ‘Rainbow Alliance’ of Friar Tuck, Maid Marian and Little John. However, negotiations quickly fell apart because everyone thought that Little John was a tedious, self-opinionated twat.

‘Of course, we would have liked to secure some serious political reform as well,’ said Robin, ‘but once we saw how nice it was to be inside the castle, we decided that we really didn’t want to go back out into the forest again and sleep rough.’

When asked about the poor, Mr Hood replied, ‘Sorry, the who?’