The Prime Minister has vowed to tackle ‘absurd barriers to mixed-party adoption’ as he sets out proposals to fast-track Nick Clegg into the Conservative household.

‘Nick has been with us now for almost two years and it’s high time he became a full family member,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘In an ideal world he should be with his biological party, but it seems unlikely they will ever have him back.’

The new cross-party adoption plan will help speed up the process of adopting Clegg into the Tory family by removing unnecessary ‘red tape’ such as adhering to any tiresome manifesto pledges. Clegg will also undergo a modest surgical procedure to remove any remaining traces of social conscience.

‘Nick has already made great progress integrating into his new Conservative foster home,’ said a Westminster Council social worker. ‘He has quickly learned how to break promises, sacrifice principles and make shameless political u-turns. Although he still has a few minor health complaints, he’s almost one of them.’

But critics of cross-party adoption are not happy with plans to take in Little Orphan Cleggie. ‘While everyone feels sorry for Nick, he really needs to be placed with a party that wants him,’ said backbencher Nadine Dorries. ‘He’s a cuckoo in the nest and should be housed with his own kind.’

Psychologists warn that unless Clegg finds a home soon he could suffer a serious identity crisis. ‘Nick needs to know that people love him,’ said Dr Raj Persaud, ‘and he certainly can’t get that from the opinion polls. But wherever he ends up, he still needs to be reminded about where he came from, especially since he appears to have forgotten most of his liberal heritage.’

‘We realise that Nick is a problem child,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘but the important thing is that he feels loved. Nick should know that there is always a place for him with us here, in the cupboard under the stairs.’

 

 

 

 

 

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New election rules mean that all political manifestos will be required by law to be displayed inside plain white packets with a prominent health warning. Politicians will no longer be able to publicly advertise their manifestos and shops will be expected to keep them hidden away from view under the counter.

‘This is about protecting the public from being attracted to something that is clearly bad for them,’ explained Mrs Maureen Grebe of APH, Action on Political Health. ‘All the clinical evidence shows that people who buy into manifesto pledges are taking a serious risk. It may seem harmless at the time but long term exposure to manifestos will result in anger, a sense of betrayal and ultimately the death of people’s hopes and dreams.’

Under the new rules all party manifestos will be legally required to dispense with any political branding and instead feature a clear warning about the dangers of believing what politicians say. Typical warnings will include: ‘Politics Kills,’ ‘Politicians may seriously damage your health service,’ and ‘This manifesto will create false hopes, crippling disillusionment and cause impotence.’

In addition, all manifestos will be legally obliged to have a disclaimer at the end that reads, ‘The value of pledges may go down as well as up. In the event of a coalition none of this actually counts.’

Politicians claim that the new rules are unfair. ‘This is a question of civil liberties,’ said one anonymous MP, who wished only to be known as Nick Clegg. ‘The public have a right to be taken in by what we say. Anyone attracted to our product already knows the risks.’

However, campaigners say the rules are designed to protect a generation of idealistic young people from being attracted to shiny, branded politicians who have been deliberately marketed to appear ‘cool’, ‘radical’ or ‘trendy’. In the last election it is estimated that many thousands of young people took up politics, not realising the long term dangers of being repeatedly let down.

MPs insist that political branding is necessary to help distinguish between the different parties. However, recent studies have shown that in blind tests the electorate found it almost impossible to tell any of them apart.

The new rules come into force next year although campaigners say they don’t go far enough. ‘This is just the start,’ said Mrs Grebe, ‘in future we want to see an outright ban on politicians making pledges in public. If they really must engage in that sort of thing then they should do it behind closed doors, in smoke filled rooms, where they can only harm each other.’

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that the defeated England football team are to enter into coalition with Germany. Under the arrangement three England players will now join the German side although they will only be allowed to sit on the bench.

‘The Anglo-German coalition represents a new kind of progressive football,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘it gives England a once in a lifetime opportunity to go through to the final stages of the World Cup. In return, all the Germans ask for is our undivided loyalty.’

As part of the deal England fans will now be expected to sing the German national anthem before each match, wear lederhosen for the remainder of the tournament and to drive around with little German flags attached to their cars.

To make things easy for the English, they will still be allowed to carry on shouting: ‘Eng-GER-land’ so long as the emphasis is on the ‘GER’.

‘We are delighted that the English have finally seen sense,’ said German Chancellor Angela Merkel, ‘and in return for letting them sit on the bench, the England squad have kindly agreed to wash the German kit and prepare the oranges for half time.’

The deal has already received the full support of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg: ‘This represents a fantastic opportunity for England,’ he said, ‘admittedly, none of our players will be allowed to touch the ball or play any part in the match, but standing on the sidelines and jumping up and down is what coalition is all about.’

However, the deal has received a mixed reception from the England squad. ‘It makes little difference to me,’ said Wayne Rooney, ‘I mostly stand around doing nothing anyway.’ Meanwhile, John Terry admitted, ‘It’s not exactly what we wanted. But at least it gives me the chance to try my luck with the German players’ wives and girlfriends.’

The first meeting of David Cameron’s coalition cabinet has ended in chaos and division with angry arguments about the fairest distribution of tea and biscuits.

‘The existing system of ‘First-Pass-the-HobNobs’ is patently unfair,’ said Lib-Dem leader, Nick Clegg, ‘by the time the biscuits get round to us Eric Pickles has taken all the Chocolate Bourbons. All we are left with are Dr Liam Fox’s Butter Crinkles and nobody wants them.’

‘The Liberal Democrats would like to see a fairer system in which biscuits are allocated according to the number of teas that each of us has,’ said Business Secretary, Vince Cable, ‘I drank three cups of tea but got no biscuits. George Osborne had one cup but snaffled four Custard Creams and a Jammie Dodger, which I clearly saw him hiding under the table.’

The arguments intensified when Home Secretary, Theresa May, raised objections to the Lib-Dem policy of ‘dunking’. ‘We are a modern, progressive party,’ said Mrs May, ‘but I have to draw the line at people who dunk. It is immoral, unnatural and it leaves a horrid gunky mess at the bottom of the cup. That is something I find very difficult to swallow.’

Tensions reached breaking point when William Hague stormed out of the room following a perceived insult from Energy Secretary, Chris Huhne. ‘I think he must have misheard me,’ said Mr Huhne, ‘all I said was that I really hate Garibaldis.’

As the coalition began to crumble, David Cameron made a last ditch attempt to salvage the situation by promising a referendum on AB, or Alternative Biscuits. Under the system every member of cabinet would list their three favourite biscuits in strict order of preference before receiving a variety box containing biscuits nobody really wanted.

‘If the cabinet cannot agree over biscuits then it could trigger a ‘Ginger Snap Election’,’ said constitutional expert, Professor Peter Hennessy, ‘the only remaining option is for David Cameron to ask The Queen to call for the Duchy Originals – something that sounds good in principle but the country simply cannot afford.’

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is ‘honoured’ by his new appointment as personal fag to David Cameron.

Under the arrangement, Mr Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members of Cabinet.

‘Of course Clegg is not a full boarder,’ said Cameron, ‘he’s a day boy. But rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.’

‘This is a unique opportunity,’ said Clegg, ‘For some people, running around and opening doors for your fagmaster might seem demeaning. But for me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.’

David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie. ‘This is all part of the rough and tumble of government,’ said Cameron, ‘I am sure that the new boys will soon get used to this horseplay and find their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.’

Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. ‘This isn’t exactly what I had signed up for,’ said Mr Cable, ‘and it may take a little while getting used to my new ministerial title as ‘Scullion’.’

When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied, ‘I have made his bed, and I will lie in it.’