Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg says that he is ‘absolutely delighted’ to be the wet nurse for David and Samantha Cameron’s new child.

‘I have spent the last few months undergoing hormone replacement therapy in preparation for this very moment,’ said Mr Clegg, who has already developed what he describes as ‘a fulsome pair of lactating man boobs.’

The ‘wet-nursing clause’ is understood to have been a deal breaker in the coalition agreement with Mr Cameron refusing a referendum on voting reform until Mr Clegg promised to offer up his breast in return.

‘It’s so jolly nice of Cleggie to be helping out like this,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘Samantha and I lead such busy lives so it is good to know that Nick is there at home, dressed as a nurse and suckling our young.’

However, there have been some objections to the prospect of Mr Clegg breastfeeding during meetings of Cabinet. ‘I am not sure that any of us want to see Nick’s Knockers thrust in our face,’ said Communities Secretary Eric Pickles, ‘that sort of thing could put me right off my dinner.’

Other members of the Lib Dem team will also help to provide round-the-clock baby care. Business Secretary Vince Cable will read bedtime stories while Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander will dress up as a jester and merrily prance about the room in an attempt to keep the baby amused – reprising a role that he currently performs for George Osborne.

‘What Nick and his team are doing is the very essence of what I mean by The Big Society,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘they run around doing all the work while Samantha and I sit in the garden drinking Pimm’s.’

Mr Clegg is expected to breast feed for the next six months, although he may continue for longer after a number of Tory backbenchers expressed a keen interest in his services.

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Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is to be given a tiny steering wheel, just like Maggie from The Simpsons, while David Cameron is answering Prime Minister’s Questions.

Mr Clegg is understood to be absolutely delighted with his new wheel, which he can use to turn left and turn right in accordance with prevailing government policy. ‘It gives me a real sense of power,’ said an excited Mr Clegg ‘and it even has a little horn which I can honk, but only if Dave says it is safe to do so.’

‘The wheel was a crucial part of the coalition agreement,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘and it is great to think that while I am up at the dispatch box dealing with important matters of state, Nick can sit behind me with his steering wheel and still feel part of the action.’The original inspiration for the wheel came from the popular TV show, The Simpsons. ‘As soon as Nick saw that baby Maggie had a steering wheel, he wanted one too,’ said a Downing Street source, ‘we even managed to find him a nice yellow one to match his tie.’

‘The steering wheel is a clear sign that Nick is influencing government policy,’ said Liberal Democrat Simon Hughes, ‘when I look across at the government benches and see the wheel come out, I know that we are really making a difference.’

Other Liberal Democrat cabinet members have also been issued with their own tiny toys. Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander has a Fisher Price shop till while Business Secretary Vince Cable regularly sits in a Wendy House rocking backwards and forwards with his head in his hands.

Nick Clegg will unveil his new steering wheel at the next Prime Minister’s Questions. ‘This government is all about giving power back to the people,’ said Mr Clegg, ‘I want everyone in Britain to feel the same sense of power as I do when I honk my little horn.’

Following days of extensive negotiations Robin Hood has finally agreed the terms under which he will work with the Sheriff of Nottingham. ‘There had to be a bit of give and take on both sides,’ said the hero of folklore and legend, ‘we have agreed not to take from the rich, and the Sheriff has agreed not to give to the poor.’

‘I am delighted that Robin has finally seen sense,’ said the Sheriff, ‘we share so much in common and we are both passionate about taking money from people. It is just that I prefer to take it from the weak and vulnerable.’

Under the power sharing arrangement, the Merry Men will support the Sheriff’s Men in their violent and bloody persecution of the general public. In return, the Sheriff has agreed not to cancel Christmas.

There were some objections to the deal from the Sheriff’s assistant, Sir Guy of Gisbourne, who was reportedly unhappy with the idea of getting into bed with men in tights. However, he was quickly rebuffed by the Sheriff: ‘We have moved on from our old ‘nasty’ image of yore,’ he said, ‘people need to understand that the Sheriff’s Men are now a modern, progressive movement dedicated to promoting a caring, liberal and inclusive reign of terror.’

Many of Mr Hood’s supporters were hoping for a so-called ‘Rainbow Alliance’ of Friar Tuck, Maid Marian and Little John. However, negotiations quickly fell apart because everyone thought that Little John was a tedious, self-opinionated twat.

‘Of course, we would have liked to secure some serious political reform as well,’ said Robin, ‘but once we saw how nice it was to be inside the castle, we decided that we really didn’t want to go back out into the forest again and sleep rough.’

When asked about the poor, Mr Hood replied, ‘Sorry, the who?’