Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams has told Anglican clergy that if they want to keep up with the Catholics they need to ‘raise their game’ and ‘produce more of their own scandals.’
Speaking at the General Synod, Dr Williams said: ‘in recent years the Catholics have really stolen a march on us. They get all the headlines now. If we want to compete with them then we will have to get our finger out.’
During the speech Dr Williams said that in order to raise their profile the Church are employing the services of PR guru Max Clifford. ‘I have been pulling a lot of strings to get the Church back in the headlines,’ said Mr Clifford, ‘I can’t say too much at this stage, but do look out in next week’s Sun for ‘Bishop of Bath and Wells Ate My Hamster’.’
Meanwhile, the Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu, is launching a nationwide search to discover up and coming scandals in a new TV show, Anglican’s Got Talent. ‘We want to uncover all those randy reverends and dirty deacons,’ he said excitedly, ‘and, as an added incentive, the winner will get the chance to perform their sordid act in front of the Queen.’
However, some believe that traditional Anglican scandals will not be enough. ‘People are bored by the Church of England,’ said former editor of the Sun, Kelvin MacKenzie, ‘all we ever get from them is gays and women bishops. If they really want headlines then one of them is going to have to sleep with Katie Price – ideally a gay woman bishop.’
Concluding his speech, Dr Williams told the assembled clergy: ‘we have the Pope visiting Britain in September. By the time he arrives I want every diocese to have a serious scandal about which they can be proud. Now go back to your parishes and prepare for embarrassment.’
Catholic priests to be fitted with paedophile ‘Panic Button’
March 20, 2010
Pope Benedict XVI has announced plans for all Roman Catholic clergy to be installed with a special ‘panic button’ that will allow users to report suspected paedophiles.
In a pastoral email, the Holy Pontiff revealed that the emergency button would be accessible at the bottom right hand side of all cassocks, providing a direct link to CEOP – the Catholic Exploitation and Online Protection centre.
The Pope assured the faithful that the button would mean an end to any more cover-ups: ‘Every complaint registered with us will be thoroughly investigated,’ he promised, ‘by our newly appointed Papal Noncio.’
Father Flynn O’Flaherty, head of CEOP, welcomed the decision. ‘With over 1 billion users worldwide, Catholicism is one of the largest social networking sites. It is therefore imperative that we make it look like a safe environment for all our users.’
Experts believe that the ‘panic button’ will help to deter offenders because once pressed it not only contacts CEOP but also sends a 2000 watt electric charge to the offender’s genitals.
However, some clergy have raised objections to the button. ‘We already have a number of measures in place,’ said one anonymous Irish Cardinal, ‘I have a ‘privacy button’ which allows people to raise any concerns about my behaviour. All I ask is that anyone wishing to lodge a complaint agrees to sign a legally binding confidentiality clause.’
‘From next year all our priests, bishops and cardinals will be expected to carry the new CEOP icon’ said a Vatican representative, ‘for many years our clergy have carried religious icons but these have not had as much effect on their behaviour as we might have hoped.’
The new ‘panic button’, featuring the image of a ‘Smiley Pope’, also gives users instant access to CSI-Vatican – a crack team of cardinals who will visit the scene of the crime and, using the very latest forensic techniques, miraculously find no evidence whatsoever.
As if... 