JFK

The world is in shock after a 50th anniversary re-enactment of the killing of President Kennedy ended in chaos with a gun battle breaking out across Dealey Plaza in which a number of people were shot.

‘We’re not sure exactly how this happened,’ said Chesney Benson, head of the JFK Assassination Society, ‘but we suspect foul play. One of our men, dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald, was in position at the Texas School Book Depository and was just about to shoot a man dressed as President Kennedy, when a number of other shots were simultaneously fired.’

The resultant salvo of magic bullets ended in the shooting of the man dressed as Kennedy, a man dressed as Governor Connally and a man in the crowd dressed as a spectator.

‘This was clearly the work of more than one historical re-enactment society,’ said a man dressed as Kevin Costner dressed as Jim Garrison. ‘All the evidence suggests that there was a second re-enactment taking place near the grassy knoll and that the first re-enactment society was just a patsy.’

A man dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald strongly rejected claims that he was a patsy, before being immediately shot and killed by a passing Jack Ruby tribute act.

Meanwhile, more conspiracy theories have since developed following the emergence of video footage taken by a man dressed as Abraham Zapruder. The footage clearly suggests the existence of multiple re-enactment societies hidden all around Dealey Plaza, dressed as the Soviet Union, Cuba, the Mafia, the FBI and the CIA.

To resolve the confusion President Obama has called for a historical re-enactment of the Warren Commission. However, the investigation is unlikely to produce any results until 2021, when it is expected to clear everyone of any involvement and say nothing actually happened.

‘This is a tragic day for historical re-enactment societies,’ said a man dressed as Walter Cronkite, desperately trying to hold back the tears. ‘We needed this like we needed a hole in the head.’

The prospect of fifty more years of conspiracy theories has raised concerns that they might provoke another three hour movie by Oliver Stone. ‘Nobody wants to sit through a seemingly endless litany of wild and crazy conspiracies,’ said President Obama. ‘We already get that each night with Fox News.’

 

 

 

The prospect of a Third World War came a step closer this week when an attempt by an Isle of Wight historical society to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis escalated out of control.

‘We pride ourselves on being as authentic as possible,’ explained Professor Chesney Benson, president of the re-enactment society The Sealed Nuts, ‘but some of our members probably took things a bit too far by shipping over some intercontinental ballistic missiles from Russia.’

The situation rapidly escalated when a passing American spy plane noticed the missiles en route to the island, sparking a Code Red alert and leading to a game of international brinksmanship between the USA, Russia and the Isle of Wight County Council.

During a 13-day standoff President Obama ordered American forces to blockade Ventnor, Vladimir Putin countered with threats of a nuclear strike against Shanklin Chine, and the Isle of Wight Mayor locked himself in his garden shed and refused to come out.

The crisis further intensified following the intervention of local planning officer Mr Trevor Spatchcock. ‘We may be on the precipice of imminent nuclear catastrophe,’ he said, ‘but it is my duty to point out that the installation of missiles of this size, even as a temporary structure, is in clear contravention of our planning guidelines.’

A full-scale nuclear war was only averted following a last minute deal in which the re-enactment society agreed to remove the missiles. In return they would get a genuine bright red telephone from the 1960s giving them direct access to Washington and Moscow, something that may help to avoid any such crises occurring in the future.

‘We would like to apologise for any inconvenience caused by propelling the world towards imminent nuclear Armageddon,’ Professor Benson said in a statement. ‘Please rest assured that the missiles have now been removed from the island, safely dismantled and sold on to a nice chap from Iran who promised to get rid of them for us.’

‘This has all been a terrible misunderstanding,’ he went on. ‘It was the very last thing we wanted, especially after the embarrassment of last year’s Bay of Pigs re-enactment.’