Rupert Murdoch launches subscription-only dream app, The Nightly
February 11, 2011
Rupert Murdoch has launched the world’s first pay-per-view dream app, The Nightly, which downloads News Corp content directly into the heads of subscribers while they sleep.
‘I have already invaded every other aspect of people’s lives,’ said Mr Murdoch at the launch, ‘It was only a matter of time before I moved into the realm of dreams.’
The Nightly will feed directly into the sleeping brains of subscribers with a package of ‘premier league’ dreams including flying through the air, falling but never hitting the ground and running through treacle as you try to flee from a sinister, all-powerful media presence.
Those wanting more dangerous dreams can press the red button for a selection of ‘Fox News Nightmares’, including being chased down the street by a naked Glenn Beck and waking up screaming as you discover that you have just spent the night with Sarah Palin.
‘I have long dreamed of tapping into the vast potential of the human subconscious,’ said Murdoch, ‘the only issue was how to make it profitable. Now we have the solution – the ‘oneiric paywall’ – this gives our subscribers access to News Corp-approved dreams while preventing piracy through illegal dream-sharing sites such as Napster. The very last thing we want are people sharing their dreams.’
However, the launch of The Nightly has been undermined by news that a number of News Corp employees are being investigated for illegally hacking into the minds of celebrities in order to reveal their deepest darkest secrets. ‘If these people don’t want us hacking into their Freudian subconscious then they should change their pin code,’ said an exasperated Murdoch, ‘at the moment it’s too easy. It’s always 1234 and the password is ‘mother’.
Police are currently contacting hundreds of potential victims, including Sienna Miller and John Prescott, to warn them that someone may have tampered with their ego.
Despite the setback, Mr Murdoch has already launched The Nightly in the USA where he hopes to secure exclusive rights to the American Dream. He will then continue his mental takeover bid in the UK, having already secured a monopoly over the mind of the British government.
‘This is all about choice,’ said Murdoch, ‘the choice of people to have me in their heads 24 hours a day. This is my dream and it could be yours too for only $39.99 a year.’