Tony Blair to do ‘You Can’t Handle the Truth’ speech at Iraq Inquiry

January 19, 2011

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair will use his second appearance at the Iraq Inquiry to deliver the famous ‘You Can’t Handle the Truth’ speech from the film A Few Good Men.

‘A lot of people were disappointed with my last performance,’ said Mr Blair, ‘but this time round I want to finish with a flourish.’

Mr Blair has spent the last few weeks in Hollywood rehearsing his speech alongside actor Jack Nicholson who delivered the original lines in the movie as Colonel Jessep. ‘Jack has been giving me lots of tips on how I should play this,’ said Mr Blair, ‘when the moment comes I really hope to capture the emotional power of a man on the edge who has a terrible guilty secret.’

Chilcot Committee member Sir Roderic Lyne will play the part of Tom Cruise, continually badgering Mr Blair and pressing him for answers until he eventually cracks.

At this point an enraged Blair will jump up from his seat and shout, ‘You want answers?’

Sir Roderic will shout back, ‘I want the truth!’

Mr Blair will then shout even louder, ‘YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!’

The former Prime Minister will then deliver the speech almost word for word telling Sir Roderic, ‘Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns…The deaths, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall.’

Mr Blair will conclude: ‘I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way.’

Lawyers for Mr Blair will then issue a brief disclaimer that dissociates their client from the contents of the speech, making clear that he admits ‘no liability for anything that may or may not have happened, any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, and anyway it was all a very long time ago.’

‘Mr Blair’s speech promises to be a real tour de force,’ said inquiry chairman Sir John Chilcot, ‘but please remember that this committee is not a court of law so while Colonel Jessep may have departed a broken man with his career left in ruins, we will simply be giving Mr Blair tea and biscuits before letting him return to his millionaire lifestyle.’

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