Airports introduce self-scan check-in for terrorists

October 27, 2010

Major delays at airports could be a thing of the past with the introduction of a new self-scan check-in for terrorists.

Under the system all prospective terrorists will be expected to walk into a full body scanner that will identify their cause, their mission and, most importantly, what kind of explosives they are carrying. At this stage the machine will give a little beep, issue them with a boarding pass and direct them to the self-detonation area.

‘This system will really help to speed things up,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May, ‘Admittedly, it does rely on the terrorists being honest and scanning themselves properly but I am told that most of them are pretty devout.’

However, airport staff say the machines are far from perfect. ‘The scanners do not always recognise every terrorist or their cause,’ said check-in assistant Kimberly Smalls, ‘I can’t tell you how many times we are getting called over for an ‘Unexpected Item in the Bombing Area.’

‘Only last week I tried to scan one man eight times before eventually giving up and typing him in manually. And then I had to ask him how to spell ‘martyr’. It was all very embarrassing.’

Airports including Luton and Stansted are also experimenting with other schemes to speed up security including a ’10- Suspicious-Items-Or-Less’ check-in and a  ‘Help-With-Your-Bomb-Packing’ Service.’

‘A lot of these young men have absolutely no idea how to pack,’ said check-in assistant Edna Sparks, ‘Many of them just shove some explosives down their pants without even thinking about the consequences. That’s why I am here to help. If they must insist on blowing themselves up then they should do it properly and without any unsightly creasing.’

Despite the teething troubles most terrorists welcome the system. ‘Self-scan is an absolute godsend’, said one, ‘the last thing we want to do is cause unnecessary delays to holidaymakers. Now everyone can get to their destination quicker, even if only a few of us will end up in Paradise.’


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