Criminals to be issued with flat pack prisons

July 7, 2010


Justice Secretary Ken Clarke has announced that, as part of efficiency savings, all convicted criminals will be expected to put together their own cell using a government approved flat pack prison.

‘We simply cannot afford to keep on building new prisons,’ said Mr Clarke, ‘from next week every prisoner will be told to stay at home and assemble their own cell.’

Under the scheme, convicts will be issued with an MDF flat pack prison from IKEA’s Klinka criminal storage range – ‘the compact and stylish solution to your prison overpopulation needs.’

The system has been imported from Sweden where every prisoner lives inside a space saving storage unit. ‘The IKEA prison cells are a fantastic design,’ said police inspector Kurt Wallander, ‘you would be surprised at just how many hardened criminals can be stored away in one living room.’

Mr Clarke insisted that even though they would remain at home, locked in a box, the flat pack lags would still get the full prison experience: ‘these convicts will be sent everything they would get in a regular jail,’ he assured, ‘food, water, pornography and heroin.’

To ensure that prisoners stay inside their cells, they will receive regular visits from freelance prison officers. ‘We have to make sure that they are not sneaking out,’ said Officer Colin Jubbs, ‘in the pilot scheme one of them did try to escape by attaching little castors to the bottom of his box and wheeling himself off down the street. We soon caught him and placed him in solitary at the bottom of the garden.’

Some convicts have expressed concerns about the DIY prisons. ‘I got half way through building my cell when I realised that the all-important bars at the front were missing,’ said career criminal ‘Mad Jack’ McClaverty, ‘in the end I was forced to visit IKEA, hold the staff at gunpoint and steal the missing parts in order to serve my sentence.’

‘Putting these bloody units together is punishment enough,’ said another, ‘and my cell keeps falling apart which means I keep waking up to discover that I have accidentally escaped. At least in proper prison this can’t happen because all the screws are present.’

‘This scheme is more than just a money saving measure,’ insisted Mr Clarke, ‘it keeps criminals off the streets, out of trouble and neatly packed away in storage,’ adding, ‘flat pack prison works.’


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