Archbishop tells Church of England to produce more homegrown scandals

June 1, 2010

Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams has told Anglican clergy that if they want to keep up with the Catholics they need to ‘raise their game’ and ‘produce more of their own scandals.’

Speaking at the General Synod, Dr Williams said: ‘in recent years the Catholics have really stolen a march on us. They get all the headlines now. If we want to compete with them then we will have to get our finger out.’

During the speech Dr Williams said that in order to raise their profile the Church are employing the services of PR guru Max Clifford. ‘I have been pulling a lot of strings to get the Church back in the headlines,’ said Mr Clifford, ‘I can’t say too much at this stage, but do look out in next week’s Sun for ‘Bishop of Bath and Wells Ate My Hamster’.’

Meanwhile, the Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu, is launching a nationwide search to discover up and coming scandals in a new TV show, Anglican’s Got Talent. ‘We want to uncover all those randy reverends and dirty deacons,’ he said excitedly, ‘and, as an added incentive, the winner will get the chance to perform their sordid act in front of the Queen.’

However, some believe that traditional Anglican scandals will not be enough. ‘People are bored by the Church of England,’ said former editor of the Sun, Kelvin MacKenzie, ‘all we ever get from them is gays and women bishops. If they really want headlines then one of them is going to have to sleep with Katie Price – ideally a gay woman bishop.’

Concluding his speech, Dr Williams told the assembled clergy: ‘we have the Pope visiting Britain in September. By the time he arrives I want every diocese to have a serious scandal about which they can be proud. Now go back to your parishes and prepare for embarrassment.’

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