Electorate can use ‘reasonable force’ to defend against political candidates

April 9, 2010

“Voters are legally entitled to punch, kick and scratch anyone turning up at their door and asking for their vote,” said Lord Justice Judge, “It is clear provocation.”

The landmark ruling follows a number of high profile cases in which prospective parliamentary candidates were beaten to a bloody pulp on the doorstep. “When I opened my door this madman began hitting me with a list of manifesto pledges,” said voter, Mrs Maureen Grebe, “When he started trying to kiss my baby I did what anyone would do in my situation. I twatted him round the head with a cricket bat.”

“The Representation of the People Act clearly states that voters can physically defend themselves against anyone wearing a rosette and carrying campaign literature,” said constitutional expert, Professor Vernon Bogdanor, “personally I find that a swift punch to the nose followed by a double finger jab to the eyes usually does the trick.”

Candidates are now so concerned about increasing ‘voter violence’ that they are starting to wear protective body armour. However, this may only lead to further attacks when voters discover that many MPs have claimed their flak jackets on expenses.

Gordon Brown defended the use of electoral body armour. “Nobody can accuse me of failing to supply the proper equipment on this one,” he said, “and I think you will find that during this campaign there won’t be any shortage of helicopters either.”

However, David Cameron was already complaining that his body armour was not fit for purpose: “This is yet another example of Broken Britain,” he whined, as he lay on the floor being repeatedly kicked by an enraged mob voting with their feet.

Nick Clegg has so far remained unscathed. “This is so unfair,” he said, “Under a system of proportional representation I should at least get a good kick up the arse.”

There are concerns that the bloodshed will only rise as insurgent voters start to plant IEDs, or Improvised Electoral Devices, up their driveways. “I have every right to defend myself against these bastards,” said Mrs Grebe, “If any of them come to my door again the only thing they will be claiming on expenses will be prosthetic limbs.”

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