Stephen Byers throat slashed by fellow MP

March 22, 2010

There are calls for a Parliamentary lock-down after the former Transport Secretary, Stephen Byers, was cornered by a gang of angry MPs and violently assaulted. Byers, who is currently embroiled in a ‘cash for influence’ scandal, was immediately rushed to hospital where he is said to be in a stable condition and already boasting about unrivalled access to doctors and nurses.

“We don’t need his sort on the wing,” said Leader of the House, Harriet ‘The Hatchet’ Harman, “‘E got what ‘e deserved”. BBC Political Editor Nick Robinson said: “By putting himself at the centre of yet another political scandal, Byers made himself an obvious target for attack. Some of these MPs are hardened criminals with nothing to lose. Many of them will do anything to get a bit of kudos among their fellow inmates.”

Ushers at the House of Commons are now under increasing pressure to call a full Parliamentary ‘lock-down’ so that the chamber can be searched for concealed weapons. “We believe Mr Byers was attacked by an improvised device,” said Chief Investigating Officer, DI Black Rod, “possibly a sawn-off ceremonial mace.”

Many staff at the Commons say that the House it is now totally out of control. “The whole place is run by the inmates,” said one, “many of them treat it like a hotel.”

Byers, plus two fellow lags caught up in the scandal, Geoff ‘The Numbnut’ Hoon and Patricia ‘The Matron’ Hewitt, will now be placed under 24 hour protection to prevent any further attacks. “We may have to put them into solitary,” said Speaker of the House, John Bercow, “partly for their own safety but mostly because we are sick of the sight of them.”

All three ex-ministers deny having done anything wrong. “Yeah, well, everyone is innocent in here,” said Harman, “but these muppets should learn to do their time and keep their bleedin’ traps shut.”

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