Low voter turnout could mean shock election win for Apathy Party

March 17, 2010

‘In the last General Election 39% of the electorate didn’t vote,’ said Apathist leader, Kevin Dullard, ‘if that figure were translated into parliamentary seats we could win an overall majority. Not that we would bother to turn up of course.’

Speaking at the Apathy party conference, a lacklustre affair at The Dog and Duck, Chipping Norton, Kevin said: ‘We have no idea how to run the country and we haven’t got any policies, so in that sense we combine the very best of both Labour and Conservative.’

A recent boost in the opinion polls coincides with the launch of The Apathist election manifesto. ‘I say manifesto,’ confessed Kevin, ‘it’s really just a few ideas scribbled on the back of a fag packet.’ The manifesto will be accompanied by a Post-it note campaign with the slogan: ‘I’ve never voted before and chances are I won’t be bothering this time either.’

‘We cannot underestimate the power of the ’shrug vote’,’ said Peter Kellner of polling organisation YouGov, ‘we used to get quite a lot of ‘don’t knows’ but now it is mostly ‘don’t cares’ and ‘they’re all the bloody sames’. The Apathy Party don’t even have a campaign strategy but they could very well win this election by default.’

The success of the Apathists is all the more remarkable since they have one of the lowest party memberships in the country. ‘Our lack of members only goes to show just how popular we are,’ said Kevin, ‘basically, it’s just me and my girlfriend Sharon – and she’s thinking of leaving.’

The core vote for Apathy is among so called ‘young people’. Various attempts to politically engage them have so far proved unsuccessful despite a recent pledge by Dermot O’Leary to sleep with every first time voter. Meanwhile, next month, Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg will attempt to get down with the youth in a BBC3 Election Break-Dance Special.

‘It doesn’t matter what they do,’ said Kevin, ‘nothing can stop the march of the Apathists…Except perhaps the Nihilists – but don’t waste your vote on them. That would be pointless.’


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